Thursday, 26 June 2008

HGV Music Awards, Pete Price Exposed, The verdict on the Bishop, The Ducks Dispute and muggings in Anfield. Plus Missing post;Leadership battle

By Jove Missus, it’s not long to go now until the Echo Margarina hosts the showbiz event of Custard year, the HGV awards.

But first here is a short film about road safety

Now back to the main business.

What always amazes me about the HGV awards event is the interest shown by so many rock stars and the music industry. They all turn up for it, in fact last time I tuned in; the drivers hardly got a look in!

You know what the press is like. It’s nice that these music industry stars should give our lorry drivers their support on the big night by turning out in such numbers but don’t be too pushy.

I suppose for the drivers, it’s like having their friends turn up.

I imagine when you are driving long distances all alone in your cab; the radio is your only companion as you charge along the M6 at three miles an hour munching on your Mexican Taco graph crisps.

Do they still eat Yorkies ?

I suspect that was banned
by the RSPCA.

Mind you Missus, listening to the radio has its hazards. Think of the poor foreign drivers coming into Merseyside late at night and the radio suddenly picks up our very own Pete Pricerite screaming -

“ Yer a filthy vile no mark!”

That’s the kind of welcome we like to give visitors. Put them at ease. He’s got a Blog now you know, old Pete “I’ll knock yer block off” Price, an award winning one by all accounts. He’s done very well.

I remember him when he was so poor he had to make a suit out of the Echo. Yes, he used to wear it for his stand-up act. Mind you the deaths column down his trouser leg was a bit distracting for the front row. One night an old lady got up on stage trying to complete the crossword.

The suit was always tearing on stage. Remember the spot the ball competition Pete? Yes it was after that he started making underwear as well from the footie echo.

The score draws, we called them.

So anyway, where was I?

Oh yes the HGV awards! Of course you know this has all been well planned in advance and Grotty Cash sent our equivalent of Beavis and Butthead, our civic leaders, Cheesis and Benthead (Stilton and Wally Bradlow to you Missus) to see how the event is managed. So don't worry, it’s not going to be like the Pole MacSlidey concert at Anfield. Jeremy Clarkson wont be demanding that 2 million is handed over to him at the last minute to organise it. And since the Custard company won’t be doing the tickets (will they?) They wont flog you a £75.00 ticket for the Anfield Road end and when you turn up your seat is three quid one in the car park at Goodison!

That reminds me, I still haven’t got my Kodak Brownie 44a back from those thieving swine!

They confiscated everything I had to enable me to enjoy the concert! My brolly, my camera, my bottle of Teachers, the Pot Noodles, car battery and travel kettle, the primer stove and portable barbeque set, the sausages, the 12 bottles of Bishops Finger and the inflatable bed.

They even took my Rolf Harris Stylophone (and I had been practicing “My Diane” and “Charmaine” all week to join in - he didn’t do them anyway) Outrageous!

(Rare recordings of The Beatles in their hayday)

I thought we were trying to get away from this image of thieves. The entire audience was more or less mugged at the turnstiles!

Actually Mrs Chucklebutty refused to go in when she saw people getting frisked, I think she was worried about them confiscating her perfume. She muttered something about having 25 quids worth of Charlie stashed in her Ethel Austin’s and ran off down the road when she saw the Police.

The Police didn’t play either and I have no idea which one of them was Stink. There may have been a Message in a Bottle but all the bottles were confiscated.

American comedian all the way from Bolton, Massachusetts, Stubby Kaye was very funny although even he had his garlic bread confiscated. Mind you his joke about thanking the council didn’t go down too well.

I am glad to say that following the booing from the crowd Wally and Flo decided not to do their version of the infamous Justin Timberland and Jesse Jackson Super bowl incident.

The plan was, that they would sing a duet of

Jacqui and Bridie’s only venture into Gangsta Rap. with
Yo Missin’ millions mother-******s

and on the line - “you can kiss my glib-dum ass" Flo would have yanked down Wally’s trousers to reveal a Rusty Sheriffs Badge. I really don’t think it would have conveyed the right message.

Now a couple of other news items for Custard Year As you will know capital of Custard will transform Liverpool creating 10 trillion jobs mostly security men guarding the 2,000 new empty city apartments nobody wants or can afford.
So it is encouraging to see Liverpool leaping to the top of the employment figures nationally for having 25% out of work.

All the more free time to go and see the Klimt Eastwood exhibition and sit on a Bench for Liverpool. Ahaa! So that’s what it’s for, the unemployed!

That Redmond fella knows what he’s doing after all.

But it is very worrying and with the cost of petrol these days, I doubt the young people could afford another 1981 style riot.

Apparently a council spokesman blamed the unemployment on Liverpool’s decline as a port and said we are still suffering from the collapse of the Ducks. Well what do you expect when you dredge Sefton Park Lake? They have to walk everywhere now!

Maybe some of the Ducks could follow the Liverpool Dockers example and take over a Bistro.


Yes the legacy for the city is really taking shape isn’t it?

Church Street is now rapidly becoming the new Wavertree Road with all the main shops shifting to Liverpool Con. So much so that even Mr Plinka Plonka has moved to Debenhams.

They’ll be begging the market stallholders to come back soon to hide the boarded up windows. Soon there will be no chewing gum left along the pavement wave. Should save a few quid on the Christmas lights. Rapid Hardware can do their own since it will only be their customers winding their way through the tumbleweeds.

Yes very well thought out and not at all predicted!

Now another issue that has arisen recently is the controversy over our very own Bishop of Liverpool, Indiana Jones.

Rumour has it according to one of his former employees that he hates Liverpool.
I can’t believe that, after all look at his involvement in the Kensington New Deal…err…
anyway he always had a hard act to follow since the passing of Dr Donald Sinden and his - No, no, David Owen wasn’t it?

He had a double act with the Catholic one,

Bishop Deryck Guyler, I think. I know there was Bill Rogers and Shirley Warlocks involved. Oh I can’t remember, anyway they have a statue of them both now to mark them founding Littlewoods Pools or something.

So he probably gets annoyed seeing that every Sunday on the bus to work.

I have heard it said that Bishop Jones claims to have the “gift of tongues”.

Well I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, I took a stroll through the Anglican Cathedral grounds one evening and was offered something along those lines but it wasn’t a gift, she wanted twenty quid!

Tatty bye Everybody Tatty bye!

Ahhh! but not yet.....
From the Archives deep under the seams of Grotty Cash Jambutty mine.

I bring you the missing post Ladies and gentlemen!

The Galaxy of Stars who turned out for the greatest contest ever seen. The Leaderership Contest.

By Jove missus, what a night! I have just returned from the showbiz event of the year!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, The DAFTAS. The Glibbering Dum Academy members have been voting this evening to determine the most worthy performers and outstanding contributions from the dream factory that is WALLYWOOD.
Named of course in honour of our great inspirational leader Wally Bradlow.

Yes it was make your mind up time to decide who will be the leading light on Bradway.

It began with the curtain rising to reveal the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble Choir (again)

Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble

all dressed in sequinned shell-suits belting out in close disharmony that rousing classic “Hooray for Wallywood” as they began to remove items of silver from the display cabinets, before legging it down Castle Street. (The full lyrics of the opening number and police descriptions are printed below.)

Now I won’t spoil it just yet by telling you the winner but as usual it is steeped in controversy. But if I mention the leader of the Rat-pack….?

First Ladies and Gentlemen, there were many other important categories up for awards.

Best supporting hand up the “leaders” backside went to Dicky Mint the Storeyteller.

Spanish Director, Jose Holabarrow took the coveted Greasy Orange Palm award.

Harassing Forde won the Peroni Award for Fiction & Fantasy for
“Readers of the Lost Remarks” and the “Meryl Streep Festival Enquiry” which also won worst scriptwriter.

Astonishingly, “One Flew out of the Clucas Nest” was not up for any awards. However, the star, is said to be taking it on the chin. She gave this statement to Hecko reporter Alistair McCraven.

“I am glad to be out of it this time round, the McCartneyist witch-hunts are about to start all over again and at least two of our leading stars are soon to appear before them. It really can end your career. Let me say now, I am not and have never been a member of the Custard Company. Once this is all over, they will need an old pro’ to take the lead role in the next no budget bankbuster”

Now you may be aware that Cinerama is back!

And the massive wide screen was just in the nick of time to announce the winner in the best newcomer and Turncoat Prize category, who also was given a Lunchtime Achievement award.

Yes Narnia Stewpid took the ‘Jaws Award’ for her many memorable rolls and epics.

Great Performances such as;
‘Loves Labours Lost’
‘Goodbye where’s me Chips’
‘Guess who’s coming to dinner….? Me’.
‘Mutiny for a Bounty’,
‘Passage to Indian’
‘Four Wedding Cakes and Tuna roll’,
‘The Greatest Sorbet Ever Sold’,
‘Back to the Foodstore II’,
‘You only Lunch Twice’,
‘It’s a Wonderful Loaf’, and of course
Biblical Epic ‘The Tinned Corn and Mince’
Lloyd Webber Musical ‘Cheeses, Crust Soup to Start’
And crime Thriller “ The Long Good Fried Egg”
And my old personal favourite, Apackocrisps Now!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, on to the main winner of the night.

Now you may have heard it announced that popular contenders the Gaudy double act, Rant and Dick (also known from their earlier career with a few flop chart hits as PC and Drinkin’) won the main vote in the people’s choice award but it turned out that just because ex Custard Creamer, Robyn Millions, wanted to fly in from Australia to present them with an award, the panel of judges had fixed the result.

Of course Rant and Dick who knew nothing of this, have been a major farce in light entertainment with hits such as “He’s a Calamity Get Me Out of Here” and many expected them to take the clown, I mean crown.

But on the night, the real people’s choice and continuing leader of the Crap-Pack was in none other than Wally Brando for his performance as Catherine of Arrogant at the Tate. The re-crowned Rat-Pack leader , Wally Bradlow squeaking live from Las Vague Arse was clearly overwhelmed at the number of his peers that voted against him.

“So what’s it like to still be leader will it be back to base tricks?” the reporters asked.
“Who dear, me dear, lead role in the Titanic? How very dare you! Just because I have a hand up my jacksy making my lips move, doesn’t mean I can’t still talk through it”

Then Storeyteller his co-star chipped in,

“ Come to see me have ya?
Come up to see your old Mike?
What a f*****g liberal..”

So against all predictions, except for those that predicted a win for Wally, there you have it, Victory for the lad himself. Stone me! Fantastic result. We are home and dry!
Unlike one of the contenders I expect.

And now as promised here is the singalong sheet. Tonight’s opening number from the ASBO choir, who will be live at the Anfield concert, where Macca himself will perform the anthem tribute.

Hooray for Wallywood!

Hooray for Wallywood

That screwy, ballyhooey Wallywood!
Where any fireman Or storeyteller
can lead while Yellar
With just a dumb-looking grin
And any Stewart
Can really screw-it
If she sees a bag
with some doughnuts in.

Hooray for Wallywood!
Where it’s horrific
that they’re all no good!
Where anyone at all
like Jasper Harbarrow
or Fatty Marbrow
is equally no damn good
Come on and try your luck
Nobody gives a F**k
Hooray for Wallywood!

Hooray for Wallywood!
That Tony, showed they’re phoney,
They gave us Harbarrow
and Robbing Archer
On whose departure,
filled their bags up with cash

08 culture,
a circling vulture
cock it up
and then make a dash

Hooray for Wallywood!
You may be pissed off
in your neighbourhood.

Still, if you wonder why
the city’s strapless
Just point to Hapless
He’d make a monkey look good!

We’re getting near the hour
When we can dump this shower
Time’s up for Wallywood!

By the way, Mr Clein only got a small number of votes. Probably cos it’s German for Diddy, Have I mentioned that? Diddy win? Diddy heck and he De-Cleined to comment.

Tatty bye Everybody, Tatty bye!