Internetto Price Wars, Hairbrushed from History by Bookface, Down amongst The Z Celebs, Professor In Custardy. People urged to Calm Down-Calm Down!

Public Announcement From the Bloggit Bureau

The 5th plenum of the Anti State Activities Bureau of The Peoples Repugnant Of Grotty Cash, has issued a warrant for the arrest and execution (insert “trial” ed.) of the infamous blogsterist and impostor, Pete Price.

This impostor, who has dared to mock our celebrated Ambassador to HollyOaks, the voice of the people against a rising tide of vile no-marks and moral decline, a man who is the very rubber soul of our party, will not be allowed to continue in his anti panto activities.

The Beijingo Authorities continue to close in on the dissident Bloggers in and around Grotty Cash Province, who seek to challenge the ideas of the Great Custard Revolution and the official party line. High on the list are Price, Terry Blame's blogs, The Scribbling on a Jotter Over Muesli blog and of course the infamous Toby Porridge. The authorities have immediately removed all trace of Price from the Bookface social not-working site and asked that people remain calm.

Following the Peoples Long March and the even longer April, there has been an increase in dissident activity, inspired by the self-styled Sub-Cult Leader and instigator of The Great Leak Forwarded, the Urbane Guerrilla, Toby Porridge47.

Porridge is suspected of being a follower of the former revolutionary leader, who was one time ally of Cuban President, Filo Pastro, before becoming the iconic and ubiquitous subject of student bedroom pin-up posters the world over, Che Ken Stevens.

Porridge is also known to be connected to the Anti Cuban Heel movement that lead to the downfall of the much loved little batista, regime of General Diddy Henochet. Since then, Porridge has launched direct attacks on the government of President Juan Peroni, and continues to attack the authority of the administration using the vile tactics of truth and public accountability.

The Bloggit Bureau is pleased to announce that following a successful operation earlier, the blogsterist known as Professor Yaffle Chucklebutty has been arrested and detained. The Official Custard Bureau has now taken control of the blogsite.

A spokesman for the local governing administration said, at the moment the leader has little intelligence.

We hope to learn more as interrogation gets underway. The leader was informed that the name Chucklebutty is thought to be fictitious and that he may be using a pseudonym. On hearing this news, the leader wasted no time and issued an immediate arrest warrant for Sue Denham, who is now safely under lock and key protesting her innocence along with 17 others of the same name.

Although the arrest operation was a hailed a success, as a handcuffed Chucklebutty emerged from his shed after having thrown out two soviet manufactured AK47 tickling sticks to waiting troops, over 130 officers were seriously injured in the failed attempt to remove Mrs Chucklebutty.

Unfortunately, on entering the house, troops interrupted Mrs Chucklebutty, during an edition of "Cash In The Attic", when she is known to be at her most volatile. She is expected to be charged later for assault and criminal damage to several tanks.

Mrs Chucklebutty puts on a brave smile

She and a Mr Clack from a local key cutting shop, was later spotted outside of the detention centre where her husband is being held, as they mounted a vigil calling for his release. The vigil was however cut short after five minutes when it began to drizzle, at which point she gave a defiant cry of, “oh f*** this for a lark” and they both left.

Under the new anti blogger laws, Chucklebutty can be held for no longer than 42 years before a magistrates order is required to continue the remand period and allow for further questioning.

In the meantime, it has emerged that the impostor Price has recommenced his vile blog site and in an act of defiance to the authorities played a special request song on his radio show in support of Chucklebutty. “I wouldn’t leave My Little Yellow Blog for You”

The song is already being talked about in music circles as potentially reaching this years Christmas number one hundred and seventy eight spot and a cover version is being recorded by Chucklebutty’s alleged favourite band, The Jam.

The Capital Of Custard Blog site has now formally been taken over by the official Custard Bureau and a new author and guide to the remainder of this glorious year in our history has been appointed.

In future, the site will provide a source of serious information and truthful debate about the magnificent programme of events, the wise and careful planning, the triumph of publicity, the strong, accountable and inspirational leadership, the strict and transparent financial control that has been applied to the year, and the final cost to the taxpayer.

The people of this great city will welcome and rejoice in the additional cost to their council tax bills and the cuts in their services. The people will see this as their very own contribution to Capital of Custard year, ensuring that all of our citizens are or have the opportunity to be involved. Assuming we can ever collect the council tax.

This Blog site has now been handed over to our newly appointed author, who will now produce a genuine Official Guide to Liverpool Capital of Custard 2008. A man with a heart as big as Liverpool a truly big hearted author and a much loved son of the city, Mr Arthur Askey.

Hello Playmates!

You all know me, big hearted Arthur they caaaaall me, Ayethenkyou. Well I dunno playmates, most of this goes over my head, here, less of that now. As you know, I’ve been in the business since eighteen hundred and frozen to death, I have worked with all the greats Houdini, Blondini, MacEIllhinie, I even remember Little Titch, long before he was knighted and ran off with all the knights takings. He was one of those acts that used to come on stage and prance about in ridiculously over sized heels while he raked himself a fortune.

But what a marvellous and well managed year this has been, it says here. Thanks to the vision of our next Lord Mayor…who? You’re joking. Ey, somebody’s having a laugh here. I'm Big-hearted Arthur not big halfwit Arthur, you don’t expect me to say this tripe do you? No, no, no, I’ll just do the Bee song and I’m off. No you’ll have to get somebody else, try Jeffrey Archer, he could be your Mayor as well.

Ayethenkyou .

The Bee Song http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2rpBAZEVHmI

BBC (Boiled British Custard) Newsnight Review of 2008, Simon Throttle, Diddy The Moocher and The Last Orders

Newsnight Review Panel

By Jove Missus, I have just watched Friday’s Newsnight Review live from our very own Capital of Custard, and presented by the always delicious, Kirsty Paxman.

He really does look lovely in a frock, totally convincing. You’d never believe it was him. But I have to tell you, I was not happy with the content. The content of the programme I mean, not the frock, well it depends on how far he has gone I suppose…. (edit this bit, note from Mrs C, it’s not Paxman, it’s the woman from the Antiques Show, who was married to David “Barking Hunt” Dickinson, she thinks, unless it’s Gavin Dressler)

You decide!

So anyway, as usual the city was let down by the BBCs choice of interviews with the man in the street, some of whom, even I could tell, were obviously women! In fact some were not in the street at all, they were on a boat! You just can’t trust the BBC anymore. Where do they find these people to interview? One woman said that for her, the highlight of the year was now being able to shop at the new Debenhams! Well I suppose they do have a very good wool counter.

There have been many memorable events that I would have been happy to list for Kirsty, if I could recall them. Where’s me programme? Ah, by Jove yes, there was the erm, Klimt Eastwood Exhibition, Dusty Creamfields, or The Chas and Dave Festival, the squirty spider thing with those French buggers who wouldn’t get up in the morning, the magical mystery Paul Daniels' Anfield Concert, The return of Tall Chips, we had the chance to Design a Lovely Bench for Oldham and the various charity executive marathon runners in the 240k, 340k 500k. They raised a huge amount for their personal charities.

By Jove what athletes they were, being able to run carrying all that weight.

No not you Nadia, good heavens no, it’s pointless you running anywhere again. Well not unless it’s running up a slate at Sayers. Now that’s what I call a Credit Munch! But God bless you madam for doing all you can to keep them in business, even if you are still a toxic bundle.

There is still so much more to come in Custard year before the cancelled closing ceremony which has been labelled The Custav Skint Exhibition, and there will be a big pantomime finale as we bid farewell to the Chuckle Brothers. That’s being organised by the Standards Board so there should be enough money left for the stamp. Yes we will all miss Wally and Dickie Mint, and now their agent may even retire with them. That hasn’t been confirmed as yet, but Mr Harbottle tells me an email has been sent.

But anyway Missus, the Newsnight Review on Grotty Cash spent far too much time on other things. Most of the first half was spent discussing the new cinema version of Birkenhead Revisited and if the actor playing Softbastian was as good he was on the telly. That was all lost on me, I get all these serials confused - Jewel In The Crowd, Massage to India, Up the Elephant and Round the Castle - I suppose it's because Charles “my boomerang wont come back" Dance was in all of them.

I prefer the more genteel sagas I think, like Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Coathanger Abbey and of course Anfield Park. Of course the author, Ethel Austen, was from Liverpool you know, by Jove yes! She did other action stuff for the telly as well. The Persuasions, remember that? Lord Brett Sinclair and Tony Curtains? Marvellous.

They spoke to that Simon Throttle who used to be conductor at the Phil. He annoyed me with that Harry Enfield Scouser wig. A word of advice, just because you are playing in an Oompah band in Berlin now, don’t be coming back here trying to be funny at Liverpool's expense. For one thing, it doesn’t work without the moustache and for your information Mr Throttle, the saying is "Calm Down-Calm Down" not "Ohh Sibelius-Sibelius" Sounded more like Dick Emery.

Anyway what are you doing in Berlin? They’re the buggers who dropped that bomb in my back garden. Ask them about reparations for me will you?

I suppose I should go easy on him, after all he did pay me a huge personal compliment with his musical choice, Wagner’s Buttyjammerung. What a lovely gesture. It certainly made me embarrassed about the gesture I made when he walked on. Really though, he should have picked another ring piece as I think it is still too early for The Twighlight of The Blogs. Although it won’t be too long before Libdemmerung. It is a shame they didn’t use the opportunity to get a dig in at Professor Rednose of Brookside and his ridiculous appointment as Chair of the World Aquarium and Bughouse, by performing Wagner’s The Flying Grossman. The Review panel didn’t know what to make of Throttle night either. Mind you Missus, I felt the same way about the review panel.

I have to say Missus, that Newsnight review is not as good without a comic turn from Tom Paulin. He always had us in stitches, writhing on his chair and wringing his hands and sobbing over the way Trevor Nunn’s latest production at the National had given… Aunt Aggie a submissive role in her relationship with Desperate Dan, losing much of the pathos from the original writing and the intrusive and unnecessary modernity in the replacement of the Cow-pie - a very central masculine metaphor for the desire to consume the mothers womb - with a crate of Stella. Well something like that.

Anyway, on the panel we had Frankie goes to Hollyoaks, front man, Jolly Johnstone and Liverpool actor and star of Vision-on Tony Hart, who seemed to be struggling with three accents and a prop hat. The woman who was on the original Custard awards panel was also on but I can’t remember her name - she looks like Mariella Frostbite. Last of all, some film director who didn’t like the Eric’s and Ernie show at the Everyman saying he hated the songs but then recommended the show, which seemed a bit pointless since it’s a musical! Must have been worried about his fee. But really! Who can’t resist singing along with Bring Me Sunshine? They all seemed to have difficulty with the action for Eric’s and Ernie being set around two old men sitting in deckchairs but nevertheless, said it was still nice to be out.

Frankie said he couldn’t stand the first half of Throttles gig at the Philharmonic and had only gone hoping to see the man pop up with the big organ and then see a film. They all got fed up at the end they said when Throttle kept coming back on stage, milking it, as they were trying to get their coats on and get to the pub for last orders.

Speaking of pubs, Missus, the panel was less than positive about modern Architecture, when they went to see the new Le Cainsboozer Exhibition in the crypt.

Well let me tell you, that The Booze Brothers has been one of the most successful theatrical productions Liverpool has ever seen, even more than Educating Peter. And Michael Caines was in that too! They should do the Booze Brothers for Christmas,

Sir Diddy could return as the Mini-Moocher.

I do love the theatre, settling into your seat as the house lights go down, so long as that Joe Riley doesn’t keep me awake with his snoring. I am very much looking forward to the forthcoming production of King Lear, and very excited about the fact that it will star one of our finest actors in the title role as Larry King, yes missus, none other than the marvellous Pete Postgate. He of course was the man who played Mr Pogle in collaboration with Ivor Wood in the 1960s “Pogles Wood”. I think Judi Dentures was Mrs Pogle and Richard Harris was Plant. (a bit too fond of the Billberry Wine I recall) I hear a rumour that Dame Judi may be re-united with him for the play in the role of daughter, Des D’Oconnor.

Yes we are still awash with events to come and still whitewashing the rest.

For me now I think the wonderful Mr Pete Wylie from The band Yer Wha? has recently made the greatest contribution to 2008 which is probably far more representative of the views of Liverpool people and captures the culture and spirit of the city. I am talking of course about his engaging new song, “The Day that Margaret Thatcher dies”

Now some people have used the words cruel and distasteful, well they are absolutely right. She was! Let’s hope it gets to number one for Christmas. Mind you missus, if there is an afterlife, just imagine the look on Denis’ face when he sees her heading towards him….through the flames.

So Custard lovers, don’t ever let anybody tell you that Grotty cash won’t remain a Capital for Custard long after 2008. There is a popular phrase that has been used many times to describe this year. People have usually associated it with Mr Ricky Tomlinson, but I can now confirm that following my own academic research, studying and translating ancient Greek texts that the phrase was actually coined by the lady who modelled for great artist Michaelangelo, whilst working on the Venus De Milo -

“ Sculpture? My arms!”

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

(Be Nice to each other)

Sink or Swim with Pay-offs and Pastry as we get up to our necks in Custard

By Jove Missus, how very un-tattifilarious I am!

Yes, like the rest of the Custard company staff, I have been told that I am no longer required to provide my illustrious guide after December 31st.

I have tried to explain that this is a guide to Liverpool and that although the by-line is Capital of Custard 2008, that there may be a legacy role for me in 2009.

The only role for you, they said, is a sausage roll.

Well I suppose they have to find something to do with the 2 million provided by Sayers sponsorship in kind. I bet it wasn’t half a million-sausage rolls that they gave to Mr Hasitall. Mind you, they could have tricked him with that; he couldn’t have eaten them with the gagging clause! Why do they never ask my advice first?

What a cheek though, trying to make me redundant, after all I have done to promote this year!

Anyway dear readers, I offer my apologies to you both for my recent absence. I have been locked in negotiations with Mr Stilton and Bradlow to negotiate a proper pay-off. £30 quid and a 2-minute DVD of the highlights was their last offer. “Hasitall has cleaned us out,” they said.

They claim they are skint and there is nothing left for the closing ceremony.

Well I found three bob down the sofa in Stilton’s office when they nipped outside for a Peroni to discuss my future. So I’m having that, by Jove yes!

Now “Honorary” Professor Rednose is said to have pulled the plug on the closing semolina event, although he may still be able to knock together a Sinbad and Jimmy Corkscrew Karaoke session outside Yates’s. He is of course closely connected to the stars of numerous cancelled shows, as well as being Patron of the Frodsham wind ensemble, so I hear. Yes there appeared to be a definite whiff of them during his recent speech.

I’ve told them to just leave the closing ceremony to me and the Sir Diddy’s men, we can cabal something together. I have a spectacular event all ready to go. Very simple and very cheap.

I will place a large inflatable Lambanana in all of the major city buildings, The Town Hall, St Georges Hall, The Municipal Buildings and both Cathedrals. Then we shall fill the buildings with custard. As the devices are inflated the custard will ooze from the windows and fill the streets of Liverpool for the people to engage in a custard festival, like the one they do with tomatoes in Preston or wherever it is, (somewhere foreign).

The metropolitan cathedral will be the finale - no offence to the C 0f E, as this is dictated by the architecture, not the Pope, even if he does love a bit on his rhubarb - custard will burst like a volcano from the wig-wam funnel roof in a great yellow cascade, running down Brownlow Hill to form a giant lake in the town centre. Souvenir spoons will be available from the car boot of my good friend Mr Harbottle, so everybody can dig-in.

Yes I will invite Mr Harbottle back and with a bit of luck he can hand over the envelope to Wally and Dickie Mint with the outcome of the standards board investigation.

The Lambananas will then burst through each roof and rise above the city. Now, here is the clever bit, at the stroke of midnight, the they will explode releasing clouds of nitrous oxide onto the crowds below (laughing gas to you missus, I have tons of it given to me by Tarbuck) and as it begins to take effect, a photographer from the Oldham Chronic will take a picture of all the smiling and laughing faces, heralding the event a huge success.

As they all become unconscious, the 08 ambassadors secret mission will be put into action as they lift every wallet, purse and any jewellery - that isn’t out of the catalogue - from the sleeping crowd. This will be used to plug the deficit! An inspired plan, I am sure you will agree.

I am just waiting for Sir Rex Hesperus to cast a legal eye over it, just in case the gas is too strong and injuries result. It wouldn’t be so bad if everybody carried a Clack Donor Card but we don’t want to end up with severe clack injury and thousands in hospital on a ventittilator.

Speaking of inspired plans, missus, I have been clearing out my drawers recently and discovered a copy of an early suggestion for a 2008 event, posted directly to the Custard company from Hollywood no less!

Inspired by the Capital of Custard award Mel Brookside the well known director of Blazing Squabbles, came up with yet another vehicle for The Producers especially for 2008, but it has just gathered dust in the 08 place
Reading it again this week, I am not sure somebody didn’t lift a few ideas from it without giving him credit. Here is part of it.

Synopsis “The Produseless”
Nervous accountant Leo Blowsitall enters the office of Max Biallystorey to go through the accounts after another financial disaster costing the Municipal Theatre millions. Leo suddenly realises that you could actually make more money out of a sure fire flop than you could from a success and earn yourself huge pay-offs. So the stage is set to create a Capital of Culture fiasco. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=3ERAV57bqaU

The first thing they need is the worst event programme ever produced.
In a downtrodden Sydney apartment, they find Rubin Archsnits, with her cabaret extravaganza “ Springtime For Stilton” a musical play about the life and times of

Der Cuerhverhauptman Adull Hilton. The script is a complete stinker and they buy it off of her for £340k.

Just to make sure it will flop, they also need the worst director they can find, so they go backstage at the Chorley rep to meet Jessie Harbolero, who enters wearing a bright orange Flamenco dress. Harbolero, agrees to take the job on condition he can sell the T-shirts and ice cream during the interval and spend 3 days a week rehearsing in Spain.

They interview for a leading man to open the show and are delighted to find that one time tank engine commander Bongo Starr is available and desperate to plug his new album, “Liverpool Hate” He can’t sing, he can’t play anything, he can’t wait to get out of Liverpool; They have found their man!

As the opening night arrives and the curtain goes up, they watch as the assembled audience gasp in horror at what they see as the chorus line begins the opening number .

Springtime for Hilton and Liverpool
Winter for you, you poor sap

Financially we’re off the rails
We’re spending with no audit trails

Springtime for jobs if you’re southerners
You wont have to take the rap

Springtime for Hilton and Liverpooooooooool
Where failure’s rewarded by being awarded
Huge pay-offs for being so crap.

Springtime for Hilton and - Don’t be stoopid be a smarty come and join our lib-dum party

Winter for you, you poor - Forced out Jason, stitched up Forde, whoops here comes the Standards Board. Etc.

Delighted by their failure, they retreat to the bar to start working out how big a pay-off each can get. In the meantime the curtain opens for act two and some Lambananas parade onto the stage, followed by a giant spider.

The audience begin to smile and identify with them. Max and the custard company had of course initially taken no interest in the Lambananas and had even talked about writing out the spider due to costs.

The audience pour into the bar, they want to save the Lambananas, they love them, they want to keep the spider, ok most of the rest is crap but there have been some good bits, and in spite of the general incompetence, millions spent and wasted or unaccounted for and the huge deficit, that is the real legacy, this has actually been quite successful. Imagine what it could have been like with competent leaders?

Our heroes shrink in horror.

“We got the wrong programme to start with, the wrong director the wrong leading man…where did we go right?”

“No way out - No way out!”

Cut to our heroes in prison singing “ Prisoners of custard, we all got busted”
Curtain Falls.

Hmmm. Perhaps they were right not to use it. Too far fetched. As we know, they did all get their pay-offs. Well apart from the people who will just get redundancy notices, the ones on the front line of the Custard Company who did the real work, that saved us from total disaster. Oh no sorry, I forgot, it was all thanks to the Custard Supreme, Professor Rednose. I do apologise. My word, a slip like that could cause a scouse divorce - fingers crossed.

But ladies and gentlemen what of the legacy, what can we do to keep the momentum going in 2009?

Well one thing right on our doorstep is the potential for a major new tourist attraction, far better than Williamson’s Tunnels. It appears that there are miles and miles of unexplored apartments right in the heart of the city.

They haven’t been touched or opened up since the day they were constructed by eccentric developers who wanted offer gainful employment to thousands of Cockneys, Geordies, Mancunians and Poles. If we can just persuade the liquidators to open them up to the public I am sure many thousands would come to marvel at how and why they were built.

I used to have a penthouse you know. Unfortunately, the cleaner found it under the bed and showed it to the missus. I only kept it for the article on the Austin Healey gearbox and what to do if your big end keeps going.

Well whatever happens, if they don’t want me after December, I may take up the offer from Editor of the Oldham Echo Mr Alistair Zeta MacShag. He wants me to liven–up the obituaries column and give it a scouse flavour.

I have already suggested re-naming it the Brown-bread Section and Birthday Memoriam to be called, “Well at least I don’t have to buy a pressie”

But between you and me, I am in discussions with Sir Rex, Joe Roley, Laurence of Westphalia, Tom “who did that?” Dowling and Dave Printface, amongst others, to establish a rival evening newspaper that is truly loyal to the people of the city, written and printed in Liverpool, that will creates jobs in the city rather than redundancies for the sake of the Unholy Trinity's profits.

We already have the new title - The Liverpool Echo Cabal - which has a familiar ring to it. Anyway we are looking for a Head of Finance, a Cultural Editor and a Communications Director to complete the winning team.

We have also secured the publishing rights to the popular cartoon strip
“Our Wally” Although it may only be until the end of 2008, after which Andy Capps missus, Flo, may be the new cartoon feature.

How much to Oldham Catherine?


Tatty bye everybody, Tatty bye.

More helpings of Custard as Ironing Board for England leaves Chuckle Brothers on Death Row. Plus Mathew Chas & Dave and spectacular closing semolina

By Jove, I’m back missus. It’s been a busy week for me. Half the house was accidentally demolished after Mrs Chucklebutty dug up a 2nd World War bomb in the back garden and kept battering it with a shovel to see if it was live.

Yes we had a bit of a fall out over that, just because I left her in a tree for four days, but all is now back to normal. Peace in our time and pieces of the garden throughout the neighbourhood. She was okay when it went off having taken the precaution of wearing earplugs.

Anyway ladies and gentlemen, enough about the home front, which is all that’s left until we rebuild the back, down to the main business.

All of you Custard-Vultures will no doubt be wondering what’s left for 2008 as I turn again to the examine some of the remaining tattyfilarious programme of events.

Of course there will also be the spectacular closing ceremony, to make up for the piss-poor opening one with Bingo Starr and the grand parade of strangers and extras from Brookside.

Speaking of the closing ceremony, it looks like the result of the investigation into the behaviour of our current political leaders by the Ironing Board for England, has been put on hold with them deciding not to announce the guilt (or otherwise) of Messrs Bradlow and Mint until we have ended the year of custard.

They drank all the Peroni (click on links)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7S_afcpaEU

It seems they wish to spare the city any embarrassment of having our Leader and future Lord Muck bundled out of the town hall under a blanket, at least until Cilla has given her Panto thigh one last slap. Give Pete Price one as well Chuck. ( She calls me Chuck, you know, the cheeky mare)

Step inside Cilla
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHVLwHJNC-0

Surely this uncertainty leaves us with a great cloud - another one - hanging over the city for the rest of the year? If they are innocent, why haven’t they spared us the worry?

But if the Chuckle brothers are guilty of bullying and conspiring against Mr Harbottle and leaking details of his ticky dodger to the press (the Ironing Board doesn’t like the press you know, by Jove) then by not going public, we are potentialy left with people running the city who may now officially be regarded as unfit for office. This risks the end of Capital of Custard year being dominated by front page spreads about the antics of these two, rather than Pete Price’s Ugly sister frock. Although I am sure we’ll be able to read about it in his column for many months after.

What’s even more worrying, is with our “world in one city” slogan, just imagine the damage if a guilty verdict is linked to the colour of Mr Harbottle’s skin!

I have often thought why this brilliantly successful and charismatic young man should have been cruelly held up to ridicule by everyone who has ever come into contact with him or any of his work and why he has been treated so shabbily by Officers and Members with only a £230,0000 pay off.

And then the words of the Civil Blights leader,
The Reverend Doctor Paisley ring in my ear.

“ Is it because I is orange?” I hope I am wrong. But why else would they all take the pith?

Prince Jasper of Orange http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7AN3WLHENY

A guilty verdict could of course have serious implications for the General Postmaster who has been trying to cover up his chronic amnesia after forgetting to send in Harbottle’s complaint.

(Harbottle’s complaint is now officially recognised as an illness. See recent article in The Lancet by Dr Juan Peroni)

I also understand that Executive Board meetings are now called Late Night with Letterman.

But if they've been found guilty, Wally and Mint should go now, then in the remaining months, deputy leader Flo Coupdegras, could work to recapture the spirit of 08, which is currently akin to a bottle of turps in most parts of the city.

On 31st of December, at the closing ceremony, she could regale us on the steps of St George’s Hall with her Dance of the Seventy Million Veils. Recreating the council X-factor winning routine with her and Dr Rotweiller as Ginger Rogers and Freddy Kruger. Nightmare on Dale Street

The Doc dumps Flo for a blonde http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QccO0pvSqgU

What a spectacular that would be, lit by the glow of the stunning 3 inch Catherine wheel nailed to a stick and with the moonlight catching the ceremonial milk bottle to launch the Legacy Rocket as it soars over 12 feet into the night sky with a mighty phhzsst proclaiming,

“ is that it then?”

But let’s try and forget about them for now and concentrate on the great events still to come. Next weekend of course is a second chance to see last years Mirthew Street Festival, when fans will be coming from as far as Chorley and Wrexham (the only train service running) to celebrate musical Merseyside and of course central to the festival is The Fab Four, that’s right, Herman’s Hermits. Visitors will arrive at Peter Noone International Airport “Above us only Mrs Browns lovely daughter” The dirty hermit.

Mrs Brown's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv8k0VI9tBc
Something good http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evpMKx5nrfY

Arrangements have been made to ensure visitors are immediately fleeced by cab drivers, driven to Runcorn Bridge to arrive in the city centre via the Kingsway Tunnel 5 hours later.

Why hasn’t anybody ever thought of having a tram connection like other cities? That Marie Celeste South Parkway Station that cost millions is miles away from the airport, why not just stay on the bus to Lime Street? It’s the transport equivalent of the pub with no beer - the station with no passengers, just tumbleweeds and a ticket clerk who has gone mad through isolation, he thought life would improve after 15 years in the Lighthouse, the poor man. Built to handle the tens of thousands flocking through from the airport, no expense has been spared apart from on platform seating and any shelter to protect you from gale force wind and driving rain.

The sign says:
Welcome to Liverpool.
What did you come to Parkway for soft lad?
You’d have been better going into town.
You can’t even get a cuppa tea here.
Yer norra Cockney or a woolly are ya?
Who you looking at, knob head?

Actually I think everything after the first line, was added by Jimmy McGovern, in felt tip. When he gets the muse, he has to write it down you know.

But anyway missus, this year the festival should be amazing with the headline act bound to bring in the huge crowds being none other than, scouse cockney band Chas & Dave. Yes Mr Cole and Dr Rottwieller will open the event with their hit song “Rob-it, Rob-it”.

They will also be attending an opening banquet with the Lord Mayor, dining on Jellied Cuban eels a la diddy, stunned salthouse fish, fresh from our very own docks and all sorts of seafood to reflect our maritime history. In fact the banquet is being held at one of the fishiest establishments in town, The 08 Plaice. Free parking will be available for guests of honour.

Fresh Fish Blues http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AATtz__l9S8

LDL Test http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmzodvWDwSM

There is more ladies and gentlemen, no sooner does the Meryl Streep festival conclude than we have perhaps the most eagerly awaited event of the year commence. La Vending Machine! So keep some 10 pence pieces handy.

Everybody is wondering what’s in store for the city as the people who brought the great Elephant to the streets of London, or Boris Johnson as he is known, bring a spectacular creature to Liverpool for 2008. They are calling it La Princess! I do hope it’s not going to be a 90ft Princess Anne on horseback jumping over the Churchill flyover and blooding the children as she slaughters any pensioners wearing a fox fur.

Or a gin sodden Princess Margaret marauding through the city streets chasing Roddy Llewellyn with a corkscrew. It wont be the other one, despite the Liverpool connection and the affair with Doddy, I can’t remember her name - off Panorama - claimed Prince Charles secretly married a camel and Prince Phillip once tried to smother the Queen mother with a pillow after she drank his Old Spice.

But anyway, the French designers who have created La Machine first visited Liverpool looking for inspiration as to what kind of creature they could build. I understand they were shocked to see and hear about such a web of deceit, so with that impression, who knows what they may come up with.

Of course machines like this have their origin in Victorian times with the popular but smaller scale automatons that used to go on display. They would both shock and excite huge crowds of people at major events. Perhaps the most shocking example of the period was The Great Exhibition of Prince Alberts, when they all dropped their trousers in front of Queen Victoria at the Trooping of the colour. That was where they got the idea for the 21-gun salute.

Apart from that and the closing ceremony, I suppose the other main event is one I should keep quiet about since I misguided readers about it some time back. I mistakenly thought it was the HGV awards. However, since then I have received tens of thousands of letters from angry welsh folk. It is of course the HTV awards, a celebration of Harlech Televisions finest achievements.

And where better to celebrate that than Liverpool. Probably Sir Diddy put in a word for us after he bought himself a place there with our council tax or was that Manchester. Oh, there's a thouht, we don’t want the Granada Awards; they might send Ray Gosling to investigate us. Mind you isn’t Bet Lynch still our cultural ambassador from those early heady days?

I do hope Les Dennis doesn’t start a fight with Max Boyce during the awards. It was bad enough when Cheggars chinned Harry Seacombe on a live edition of Highway. Still, Cheggers is off the juice now and remains one of my heroes, a man who is 100% proof - well not these days, he’s still off it - but he remains proof that if you cut Liverpool people in half, they would have plumtiousness written right through them.

Bless you young Keith. We should get him back here to sort out the mysterious One Swap Shop for Kensington. Maybe it was swapped for the LDL £15 million nobody can account for.

The HTV awards will celebrate an era of magnificent entertainment output. Remember they gave us Wycliffe, with Jack Sheppard, Three Little Words with Ray Allen and Barbie and Definition with Don Moss. Their Jewel in the Crown, of course was the inspired game show “Mr & Mrs”.

Ahh you see, a lot of people only remember the Derek Batey version on Border TV, but the HTV one had the great and bald Alan Taylor, who wore a monocle and went on to do Paint Along with Nancy Komisnky. She married Reagan of course and ran the USA while he talked to the hat-stand all day.

They’ll all be there on the big night, well not that swine Batey, who ousted Alan’s HTV version. But anyway, as Batey and Alan used to say at the end of each episode,

“be nice to each other”

If only our local politicians and indeed the world could adopt that wise and simple philosophy.

You know I may run off some t-shirts with that on. What’s Harbottle’s number?
They’d all want one especially if it had Alan and Batey on it. Subliminal social control as well. I’ll speak to Sir Bernard Hogan-Heroes about this.

Moving on, here’s a special message now to all you ladies. Oven Chips for the next couple of weeks missus, leave the chip pan in the cupboard, we don’t want any fires because Grotty cash is hosting the World Fire-fighter games, so you’ll have to make do with the Coast Guard in an emergency and swim out to sea. Yes it’s the Fire-fighter games at the Arena. We won the tender ha, ha by Jove!

This promises to be an event to rival the Beejam Olympics. They were going to have an Olympic style flaming torch ceremony but they just couldn’t help themselves and kept putting it out.

Nevertheless the main opening ceremony promises to be an amazing spectacle.

As the parade of fire-fighters march into the Arena, nine hundred and ninety nine (999 see they have thought it all through) specially invited youngsters will greet them with the now traditional hail of bricks and abuse as they kick off with the first event, “puttin’ar bommie out”. There will be music too from Nee-naw Simone backed by Sirenz, the stars of last years’ Matthew Street judge nobbling festival held on Fathers day.

Sad to say there is the usual controversy though to spoil the games. Apparently the pretty little girl in the Everton scarf singing “Smoke gets in your lies” was just lip syncing to little Wally Bradlow who actually sang it, but his head was thought to be too big and too crooked to represent the right image for Grotty Cash. Quite right. It looks like a peanut shell! It is a shame though; after all he scored top marks in the dope testing.

Just to note, there will be Green Goddesses on stand-by to finish the games, should there be any enquiries or dispute over the tiddlywinks results.

Modern Fire Service http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54krG8U6Cl0

Beijing Official Olympic Song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY5zDQWd5bE

So missus, Grotty Cash is going to be the place to be over the coming months, particularly if you work for the Standards Board or the National Audit Commission. (Hopefully)

The message and advice then to Wally Bradlow and Future Lord Muck, Dicky Mint, remains the same.

It is the motto of the fire fighters themselves.

GET OUT and STAY OUT!

Be Nice To Each Other

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!