CEX Spies and Idiot tapes. Comic turns at the Phone-Tappers and Shunters. Give order please!

By Jove, Missus, I have only just found out that the latest series of my all time favourite television programme, Fantasy Island, is actually made right here in Grotty Cash!

I have just been down to see the set and meet the cast. It is completely stunning how they manage it.

The format has changed a little but it’s still the same incredible stories of a bunch of gormless folk and conniving tricksters who travel there wasting an absolute fortune, just to live out their personal fantasies of wealth and power.

What I love about the series is the mixture of intrigue, heartbreak and comedy.
Apparently though, this series has gone way over budget, at least 64 million. Twice that if you count the episode about the people whose fantasy it was to have equal pay and that’s nowhere near finished. They really should ditch the Executive Producer and the directors and get somebody else in before the show is axed.

I met up and had dinner with the stars. (Ha, ha Pete Price!! One-Nil to Chucklebutty, and I asked them about you and they said, “never heard of him”) They took me around the magnificent Town Hall set and told me about the current episodes being filmed.

If you have missed it this is basically the plot so far, Brad Pratt, plays the part of a simple fireman, Wally Bradlow. He has a heart-warming fantasy, that people will just take him seriously, so he is put in charge of a Lambanana Republic and it all just crumbles around him. Poor Wally, every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it and what’s more, he has no money to run the country and no idea where it has all gone.

The problem is of course that Wally is surrounded by intrigue and incompetence and quickly joins in the spin to hide his own inadequacy. Although a very sad story, comic relief is provided by veteran music hall star Frank Randle, as toothless Mike Stormey, the former leader and founder of the new republic. Pictured here reassuring Wally.

Stormey had to jump before being chased out of office for trying to rob a poor pensioner and kick him out of his job in previous hilarious episodes. That was a favourite of mine, it starred Gerald Campion as Sir Diddy, a greedy little jumped up pen pusher. But Stormey was no match for Diddy who wiped the floor with him clearing off with huge bags of loot. "Yaroooo!"

Despite Stormey being disgraced, his little protégé Wally just hadn’t the heart or the guts to get rid of Stormey and keeps giving him jobs, so the joke is kept going as he continually keeps popping up to embarrass everyone with his madcap antics as he tries to scheme his way out of trouble in the same old way, getting caught out each time.

This means poor hapless Wally has to deal with the legacy of Diddy’s departure and the gang of unscrupulous little corporals that Diddy left behind who all hate Stormey. Wally had hoped that the appointment of a new Chief Pen-pusher Hilton J Stilton, pictured right on the day he first saw the accounts and played by the silent screen star Harold Lloyd, would sort things out for him as a safe pair of hands. But then they realised the safe was empty, in fact Stilton emptied some of it himself with his new salary and bonuses and a string of pay-offs. So with yet more mad-cap schemes, even more money pours down the grid as they completely lose control.

All the ensuing calamities, cock-ups and attempted cover-ups continue to be leaked to the resistance movement, the TP47 brigade as they are known and a coup is feared.

So Harold Lloyd as Stilton, spends all his time hanging off a ledger whilst trying to cover-up Stormey’s schemes, Wally’s incompetence and all of the waste and allegations of corruption.

In a hair raising sequence as Stilton hangs by a thread after being caught trying to listen-in to a telephone call involving the leader of the opposition party, the outraged Joe Scandafone, played by James Robertson-Justice,all hell breaks loose!

Astonished to find Stilton hanging from a ledge outside his office window with an ear trumpet, Joe demands to know what is going on and seeks answers through The Feeling of Infiltration Act. To his horror, he discovers that Stilton has been monitoring calls, eavesdropping and rifling through everybody’s drawers.

What’s worse is that to spy on everybody and find the mole, he’s been using the services and technology of the evil Dr Dive InMeshowerhoney, to do it. Donald Pleasance gives his usual wonderfully creepy performance as the Doctor, who is the Head of Listen-in Direct, the company siphoning off all the state gold reserves.

But Stilton is no longer the innocent people thought he was. He was supposed to sort out the evil doctors empire but soon realised that if he did, the whole house of cards (all jokers) would come crashing down. So when Joe finds out he’s been under secret surveillance, Stilton quickly points the finger at his chief check-out girl who can never get her till to balance and that he wants to get rid of anyway.

Poor Phyllis Hearsall, is the less than innocent cashier, played by Joyce Grenfell.

In a stormy meeting, at the town hall, Joe tells everyone that it’s all a cover-up and a secret report had already shown who had been leaking all the state secrets to the resistance movement. Joe shows everybody a list of the number of times he has phoned for a Pizza, as recorded by Hearsall and demands the suspension of the series until the writers can up with a more believable script.

The last episode ended with Wally, Stormey, Stilton and Hearsall in the bar of the Phone-Tappers and Shunters Social Club with them all walking towards camera saying “what do we do next, what do we do next?”

Well I don’t know what they will do next either missus. I just hope they don’t axe the whole show. It’s like I Claudius meets Michael Bentine’s Potty Time.

Anyway you should all look out for it. Deidre Bartley in the Wrexham Post is one of the few TV critics that have done write-ups on the show. The Hecko seems too interested in Purple Ronnie’s obsession with men’s bicycle clips and Colleens hemlines to say much about it.

Every now and then, if it gets just too talked about to ignore, the Hecko will give a watered down review by Nick Columngone. But anyway, have a look at the fan site on the internet if you want to know more. It’s called The Vile Dispicablog or Liverpool-Bus-shelter, something like that. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Next week Mrs Chucklebutty will be reviewing the re-make of comedy courtroom drama: Perry Makin. Starring Ross Kemp.

Tatty bye Everybody TattyBye.

THE SOUND OF LIVERPOOL A special day for all our musical legends! From The Great Frankie Vaughan to Eleanor Rigsby and Rexy Music,

By Jove Missus, I couldn’t leave that picture of the Fireman up for too long, far too depressing. So I thought a new entry in my Official Guide to Capital Of Custard was called for.

Today I am going to talk about the Musical City that is Liverpool. Yes, it’s not just Jam that we mine here; anyway they were a London band I think. No this is about the homegrown stars of Grotty Cash who have lead the world of popular music. And I’m doing this for Capital of Custard because personally I can’t stand them. No, give me Joe Loss or Tommy Dorsey anytime.


Mind you Missus, this day to celebrate the Fab Five is causing some controversy. I mean for goodness sake (I bet you thought I was going to say Hippy Hippy Shake next) a Beatles day! I thought we were building the future for the city besides; there are only Mick and Titch left. Of course after Titch’s comments following the opening night for Capital of Custard, there is still some resentment, but cutting his head off was going too far in my book. Going on and on about the Beatles after all this time is very tiresome.

I mean it was 1957 when they last performed together. Although who can forget them singing ‘Zone-Ticket to Ride’ on the roof of that tram, and Get Back, Get Back inside, the conductor shouted all the way through, you can hear it on the album.

Well it’s health and safety, you know. It’s like now if you ask the bus driver “can I jump off here”? And he says “No yer f-ing can't you wanna get me sacked”?

And I’ll tell you something else; I don’t care if this Beatles day is for charity, because if that Chiz Cole has something to do with it, I wouldn’t give him a free parking space. I think he’s cost me quite enough already with his Summer Pops Concerts. It may be Chiz Cole promotions but judging by how much it costs, it’s Nutty Slack finances.

Yes give the Beatles a rest it was too long ago. It’s like going on about winning the World Cup in 1945. Seriously, you ask the young people today to name a Beatles song the response is “Gorra spare ciggie mate”? Which I think was one by the Rolling Stoned. And if you tell them no, they say “ F-off Ya fat tw*t” which is probably something by the Sex Pistols. No idea!

Even the Beatles albums and massive hits like, Sgt Bilko’s, Childwall Abbey Road, Strawberry Tarts and Cleo Lane or Lily the Pink. Never heard of them. Amazing but true. Well how many of you can name an Al Bowley hit? And anyway, there are lots of other great Liverpool musical artists who equally deserve their own day.

How about a Michael Holliday….day …I mean a day to celebrate…alright maybe that would be too confusing; Mind you the Yanks have Doris Day.

What about Frankie Vaughan? Frank was a great star in his day and also a very nice man. He had that famous song that became an anthem for anyone who owed rent and had the bailiffs coming round, “Doing a Moonlight” At least we have a well deserved statue of Billy Fury but if we want to show off the music and Culture of the city let’s have one of Frankie too. It would look marvellous doing one of his famous high kicks, especially if placed behind one of those Lambananas. Just don’t let that Tommy Steele do it, for god’s sake. Dumping his rubbish in the middle of the night! There’s a law against fly tipping mate! That statue he did of Leonard Rossiter as Rigby; looks nothing like him. It’s more like Miss Jones on Diazepam.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-meN57FjIRw The great Frankie

But yes, I would certainly wear a straw hat and carry a cane for Frankie Vaughan day.
We are almost there already with so many people around town wearing a baseball hat and carrying a can of Caines.

By Jove, there are lots of local stars we could celebrate with a special day. There is Sonia Day, which could come after Saturday. We could all drink whiskey on a Sonia Day. Didn’t Norman Lamont try to start this some time ago with Cilla Black Wednesday or something? I know he lost a fortune on it. It was something to do with her joining the Eurhythmics and the ELO and there was a fall out? It was the same day that the late Sonny Bono broke his leg. There had been a major fall in Chers.

You know it’s a shame the Happy Mondays are from Manchester, that would have saved a few quid in print costs and we could have had that dancing chap, what’s his name? He used to clean up for them, Bex Bissell or something. You know him, he’s married to Sylvester Stallone's mother, there was a flies on the wall documentary about them, all living together in Germaine Greer’s house with her husband who does the racing and is a raging coke addict. "I want my coke", he was screaming, terrible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4keJdGJAYM Mrs Bex Bissel.

But anyway we could have all danced like Bex for the whole day. Fun and fitness combined. You see I have got my thinking cap on. A bit more of an effort than a mop top and at least maintaining a bit of dignity.

I think Gerry Marsden gets enough play with his Bryan Ferry Roxy Mersey and the one they sing at the football, “I’m forever blowing bubbles” or something. Now before you start, I think Gerry is wonderful, in fact I never missed him on the Sooty Show with Matthew Corbett. By the way, I hear Sweep was arrested when he took out his water pistol at the bank recently.

Well he’s been hitting the bottle you know, he is very upset since Matthew sold him along with Sooty and Soo. What a swine that Matthew was. He wouldn’t let Harry Corbett near Sooty you know after he took over. Said it would confuse the children. They were probably confused enough turning the sound up on the telly every time Sooty spoke. Poor Harry, I remember him being humiliated on Wogan when Matthew wouldn’t let him have a go. He had to make do with Terry’s wig and pretend a steamroller had squashed Soo. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PK7_Ueh9X0 sweep sings

Sorry, back to the main point. There are so many great musical stars from Liverpool even if we can’t have a special day for each one, we need to get them all in before Capital of Custard year is over.

There was the Four Seasons, their lead singer Vivian works in a supermarket now and is always happy to sign autographs. So if you ever want to meet The Four Seasons, Viv, Aldi is where you can catch her. The more I think about it, the more spring to mind.

The Netherley Brothers, T-Rex Makin, he did that novelty song “Hole in the ground” and “Boy Named Sue” and “ How could you believe me when you know I’ve been a lawyer all my life”.

We had Roger Hunt with his Mexican Whistle for half time and I’m gonna play Old Durham Town FC (Roger in action) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AJHXQJCQ1k and on a similar theme of course Bill Shankly and the Comets with Rock Around the Kop.

There was also that other chap who sang “Cream” and “Kiss”, his real name was Alfred Rode but he changed it to Prince. Actually when the police caught up with him for selling pirate CDs and knock-off videos around the boozers in Old Swan, they referred to him as, The Con Artist formerly known by his fingerprints.

I am not sure what we could do for Pete Wryly, apart from a house clearance.
Have you seen his gaff?

And one best avoided I think would be a Pete Burns Day! We couldn’t all go around the city pouting and telling everyone to F**k off. It would just be like a normal day, nobody would notice the difference. Maybe we could do it if it was just confined to the time he had his big hit “ I’m having one of my turns” was it? Or “ I’m so Dizzy”. I have to say when he had his band Bread or Aloaf (did they do Vienna?) and he used to hang out in Pube Records, or walk through town wearing only a thong, you had to admire his cheek. Well Mrs Chucklebutty did, he’s probably still got the teeth marks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ck-Uo52MOg (Pete in hayday)

Now who’s the other fellow, the one Wally Bradlow had wanted to ban from the Arena and then had to hide in the toilets when they were on, The Farmers, you know him, MacDonald or MacCropspray or something, they could get us all together for a day if they could just work out when best suits.

I tell you this though ladies and gentlemen, if I had my way, and I don’t care that she’s not from Liverpool, because this would be a truly uniting national event, my choice would be to have an Anita Harris Day. Here she is with our very own Citytalk host and columnist Pete Murray. I would happily draw a little mole over me lip and don a leotard for that. By Jove yes! And I’ve still got the legs for it Missus, I’ve still got the legs!

Anita

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBpCNcbnwjU

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

(Updated) One Trick Peronis Wally Bradlow, Dicky Mint and the Blog Standards Board

Advertising feature
Wally: C'mon Dicky you got to back me up,these buggers investigating us could hang me out to dry!
Dicky: .....It was him, it was him. I had nothing to do with it. Gottle of geer, gottle of geer!

Remember what you did last night?

Who you were with?

Who you spoke to?

Did you call anyone or send a text?

Well don't worry..look at where we were 10 years ago.

The Standards Board are back. They just love Liverpool, you can't keep 'em away. Hear what they have to say soon.

By Jove Missus, will we soon have a new leader, a new dawn?

Iron your best frock, Flo.

Can I have the first dance?

What fine representatives of the city we have in our resident double act.

Whilst we await the outcome of other outstanding investigations by the standards board, yet another matter involving the behaviour of Dicky Mint is referred to them. Is this a new record? Will the standards board move to Liverpool full time. They said Capital of Custard would create jobs.

I really think it's time Dicky was put back in the suitcase for good. My understanding is that during the giving of evidence,there was an interesting twist, Wally gave his account while Dicky drank a glass of water.

The little outburst last night by Wally showed that they have missed a crucial point.

Whoever is responsible for leaking information to the "Dirty Despicable blog" (Dicky says "Oh, no I didn't" but Wally even messes up the denial by shouting "so did you") the point is the Blog would never have happened had it not been for the dirty and despicable behaviour of Dicky, Diddy and their cronies and all those who refused to take proper action at the right time.

I may even lend my support to Foghorn Leggarty's Elected Mayor Campaign now if Dicky Mint is still destined to be the next Mayor of Grotty Cash.

Sorry to be so brief but I am working on my new campaign, a Knighthood for Rex Hesperus. A true icon of this city and its culture.

Either that or a Mayor in the Makin'.

By the way, anyone who wears a Beatles mop-top today will be noted and dealt with when either I or Sir Rex become Mayor. Best not buy the Ringo one either!

Look, if you want to give money to charity, never mind the self indulgence, "Ooohh I ran 20miles for irritable bowel syndrome, I raised £33.00 for flatulent owls dressed up as Elvis. No, just cancel your holiday and give your chosen charity the cost of it and all your spending money. Don't torment me, knocking on the door dressed up as a milkman, asking for money or you'll get another clout! Ohh... Mrs Chucklebutty, has just told me that that actually was the milkman. I'll pay him next week, or when he is discharged.

Or of course you could donate all the money you saved by getting free parking off the council.

Tatty bye everybody tatty bye !

Millions lost in The Vortex, Mr Potato Head, LDL and the Return of Ol' Blue Eye

By Jove Missus my subject today isn’t exactly about Custard 2008 but it goes a long way towards explaining why Grotty Cash has no money to pay for it or anything else for that matter.

Put your Anoraks on now.

So Did you see the drama-documentary on Saturday?


I was just back from my gentlemen’s club and frankly I had been mixing the grape and the grain with rather a powerful moulinex so I missed the very beginning but it was all about LDL. and how they have ripped off Grotty Cash?

It was on at Saturday teatime.

“They Stole the Earth” it was called and nobody knew where it had all gone. Was it anything to do with The Doctor?

Millions and millions had disappeared, feared lost forever including an additional 15 million that nobody new had been taken in the first place or what for. Then a message came through the computers with that all too familiar grating and menacing voice-

EX-PEN-DITURE –

EX-PEN-DITUUUUURRRRE!!!

It was those evil machines, Liverpool Dalekts Limited !
But how had the Dalekts survived this long? Many thought they had been locked in a call queue. Or that the Shallow Proclamation with it's full 37 recommendations would have curtailed their power and their ability to harvest the life and budgets from humanity. All Human Resources had been wiped out in fact almost everything they could get their plungers on, even dead turkeys, in their lust for wealth and power.

Those under their power had nowhere to turn to for help. Although the new Colonic Federation had promised to halt their evil ways, they did nothing to counter the evil menace and even allowed them to extend their grip on power for another five years.

There was of course one particular figure, an evil mastermind who had not been
spoken of for some time until suddenly, from the shadows, we first heard a chilling
voice. No it can’t be…can it? ...And then we saw a glowing blue eye with a Pound sign
in it as slowly the evil one emerged from the darkness.

Yes he’s was back! Dr. DAVROS MacIllPenny creator of The Dalekts

Claiming that he had rebuilt an entirely new empire using cell-phones from his own body. Dressed in a rather fetching black leather outfit, I wonder where he gets them? There can’t be that many gentlemen’s outfitters in the Medusa Cascade, (is that one of the new chain shops in Liverpool One?) I can’t imagine the Dialeks taking off their plungers and fitting a K-Tel Stitch-o-matic sewing machine on instead. Anyway he looked as menacing as ever and strangely in need of a shower. Mind you judging by his complexion he could do with some moisturising gel in there with him.

Of course he claims to be the creator of the Dalekts but as we know he would never have developed them had he not been brought here by the aggressive, short, stumpy, potato-headed figure of General Sir Diddyx of the Tenth Sentpackin Battle Fleet.

General Diddyx Henshaw

Diddyx of course was himself brought here by The Master or The Storeyteller, as he is sometimes known.

The Master is armed with a particularly dangerous device a Moronic Screw-it-up-driver. This has the power to shrink objects, particularly budgets. And allow him to disappear. But it was no match for General Diddyx who quickly showed him after landing on Grotty Cash that he was The Master now!

Actually, there was a another documentary all about the Master, about this time last year. Yes, it showed him like a maniac, callously and dangerously pushing some very old man arouund in a wheelchair, whilst singing at the top of his voice, “ I can’t decide whether you should live or die”. I suspect this was when they were looking at closing Leytone Dene and Boaler Street. Didn’t stop them though. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JSdE9x5bvjU

That was a close run thing, they would never have been able to shut them had it had it not been for the Atmos System releasing a noxious gas which resulted in a big ball of fat running to their aid allowing them to cling on to power.

Anyway if you missed it, part two is next week. As well as Dr DavilHinney, there is going to be something about Regeneration.

Mind you, I suspect that like the rest of the Glib Dums, who allowed Davros to plunder and bleed Grotty Cash dry, in the first place, it may all be something to do with living in a parallel world, where at the end anything Noble dies. I mean surely this kind of madness couldn’t happen in the real world!

But then again in spite of everything we knew, some idiot signed up for another 5 years without anyone knowing the full content of, or if any of the recommendations of the Shallow Proclamation KPMG /06 had been implemented.

Never mind, the fight back will be lead by Fireman Jack Courtcase from Scorchwood. He will report back on Davros’s empire. So maybe can we expect something in the post?

Contractually, I suppose, he will be forced to go through LDL to get the report typed up on one of their PCs and sent out through their network connections.

If they really want to sort out LDL, the answer is simple.

Reverse the polarity!

Tatty Bye Everybody, tatty bye!

HGV Music Awards, Pete Price Exposed, The verdict on the Bishop, The Ducks Dispute and muggings in Anfield. Plus Missing post;Leadership battle

By Jove Missus, it’s not long to go now until the Echo Margarina hosts the showbiz event of Custard year, the HGV awards.

But first here is a short film about road safety http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAstMJhzUxk

Now back to the main business.

What always amazes me about the HGV awards event is the interest shown by so many rock stars and the music industry. They all turn up for it, in fact last time I tuned in; the drivers hardly got a look in!

You know what the press is like. It’s nice that these music industry stars should give our lorry drivers their support on the big night by turning out in such numbers but don’t be too pushy.

I suppose for the drivers, it’s like having their friends turn up.

I imagine when you are driving long distances all alone in your cab; the radio is your only companion as you charge along the M6 at three miles an hour munching on your Mexican Taco graph crisps.


Do they still eat Yorkies ?


I suspect that was banned
by the RSPCA.





Mind you Missus, listening to the radio has its hazards. Think of the poor foreign drivers coming into Merseyside late at night and the radio suddenly picks up our very own Pete Pricerite screaming -

“ Yer a filthy vile no mark!”

That’s the kind of welcome we like to give visitors. Put them at ease. He’s got a Blog now you know, old Pete “I’ll knock yer block off” Price, an award winning one by all accounts. He’s done very well.

I remember him when he was so poor he had to make a suit out of the Echo. Yes, he used to wear it for his stand-up act. Mind you the deaths column down his trouser leg was a bit distracting for the front row. One night an old lady got up on stage trying to complete the crossword.

The suit was always tearing on stage. Remember the spot the ball competition Pete? Yes it was after that he started making underwear as well from the footie echo.

The score draws, we called them.


So anyway, where was I?

Oh yes the HGV awards! Of course you know this has all been well planned in advance and Grotty Cash sent our equivalent of Beavis and Butthead, our civic leaders, Cheesis and Benthead (Stilton and Wally Bradlow to you Missus) to see how the event is managed. So don't worry, it’s not going to be like the Pole MacSlidey concert at Anfield. Jeremy Clarkson wont be demanding that 2 million is handed over to him at the last minute to organise it. And since the Custard company won’t be doing the tickets (will they?) They wont flog you a £75.00 ticket for the Anfield Road end and when you turn up your seat is three quid one in the car park at Goodison!

That reminds me, I still haven’t got my Kodak Brownie 44a back from those thieving swine!

They confiscated everything I had to enable me to enjoy the concert! My brolly, my camera, my bottle of Teachers, the Pot Noodles, car battery and travel kettle, the primer stove and portable barbeque set, the sausages, the 12 bottles of Bishops Finger and the inflatable bed.

They even took my Rolf Harris Stylophone (and I had been practicing “My Diane” and “Charmaine” all week to join in - he didn’t do them anyway) Outrageous!

(Rare recordings of The Beatles in their hayday)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMRmbEpmPAc

I thought we were trying to get away from this image of thieves. The entire audience was more or less mugged at the turnstiles!

Actually Mrs Chucklebutty refused to go in when she saw people getting frisked, I think she was worried about them confiscating her perfume. She muttered something about having 25 quids worth of Charlie stashed in her Ethel Austin’s and ran off down the road when she saw the Police.

The Police didn’t play either and I have no idea which one of them was Stink. There may have been a Message in a Bottle but all the bottles were confiscated.

American comedian all the way from Bolton, Massachusetts, Stubby Kaye was very funny although even he had his garlic bread confiscated. Mind you his joke about thanking the council didn’t go down too well.

I am glad to say that following the booing from the crowd Wally and Flo decided not to do their version of the infamous Justin Timberland and Jesse Jackson Super bowl incident.

The plan was, that they would sing a duet of

Jacqui and Bridie’s only venture into Gangsta Rap. with
“ Yo Missin’ millions mother-******s”

and on the line - “you can kiss my glib-dum ass" Flo would have yanked down Wally’s trousers to reveal a Rusty Sheriffs Badge. I really don’t think it would have conveyed the right message.

Now a couple of other news items for Custard Year As you will know capital of Custard will transform Liverpool creating 10 trillion jobs mostly security men guarding the 2,000 new empty city apartments nobody wants or can afford.
So it is encouraging to see Liverpool leaping to the top of the employment figures nationally for having 25% out of work.

All the more free time to go and see the Klimt Eastwood exhibition and sit on a Bench for Liverpool. Ahaa! So that’s what it’s for, the unemployed!

That Redmond fella knows what he’s doing after all.

But it is very worrying and with the cost of petrol these days, I doubt the young people could afford another 1981 style riot.

Apparently a council spokesman blamed the unemployment on Liverpool’s decline as a port and said we are still suffering from the collapse of the Ducks. Well what do you expect when you dredge Sefton Park Lake? They have to walk everywhere now!

Maybe some of the Ducks could follow the Liverpool Dockers example and take over a Bistro.

Quackerblanca!

Yes the legacy for the city is really taking shape isn’t it?

Church Street is now rapidly becoming the new Wavertree Road with all the main shops shifting to Liverpool Con. So much so that even Mr Plinka Plonka has moved to Debenhams.

They’ll be begging the market stallholders to come back soon to hide the boarded up windows. Soon there will be no chewing gum left along the pavement wave. Should save a few quid on the Christmas lights. Rapid Hardware can do their own since it will only be their customers winding their way through the tumbleweeds.

Yes very well thought out and not at all predicted!

Now another issue that has arisen recently is the controversy over our very own Bishop of Liverpool, Indiana Jones.

Rumour has it according to one of his former employees that he hates Liverpool.
I can’t believe that, after all look at his involvement in the Kensington New Deal…err…
anyway he always had a hard act to follow since the passing of Dr Donald Sinden and his - No, no, David Owen wasn’t it?

He had a double act with the Catholic one,

Bishop Deryck Guyler, I think. I know there was Bill Rogers and Shirley Warlocks involved. Oh I can’t remember, anyway they have a statue of them both now to mark them founding Littlewoods Pools or something.

So he probably gets annoyed seeing that every Sunday on the bus to work.


I have heard it said that Bishop Jones claims to have the “gift of tongues”.


Well I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, I took a stroll through the Anglican Cathedral grounds one evening and was offered something along those lines but it wasn’t a gift, she wanted twenty quid!


Tatty bye Everybody Tatty bye!


Ahhh! but not yet.....
From the Archives deep under the seams of Grotty Cash Jambutty mine.

I bring you the missing post Ladies and gentlemen!

The Galaxy of Stars who turned out for the greatest contest ever seen. The Leaderership Contest.

By Jove missus, what a night! I have just returned from the showbiz event of the year!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, The DAFTAS. The Glibbering Dum Academy members have been voting this evening to determine the most worthy performers and outstanding contributions from the dream factory that is WALLYWOOD.
Named of course in honour of our great inspirational leader Wally Bradlow.

Yes it was make your mind up time to decide who will be the leading light on Bradway.

It began with the curtain rising to reveal the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble Choir (again)

Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnyzNLO9Bnw

all dressed in sequinned shell-suits belting out in close disharmony that rousing classic “Hooray for Wallywood” as they began to remove items of silver from the display cabinets, before legging it down Castle Street. (The full lyrics of the opening number and police descriptions are printed below.)

Now I won’t spoil it just yet by telling you the winner but as usual it is steeped in controversy. But if I mention the leader of the Rat-pack….?

First Ladies and Gentlemen, there were many other important categories up for awards.

Best supporting hand up the “leaders” backside went to Dicky Mint the Storeyteller.







Spanish Director, Jose Holabarrow took the coveted Greasy Orange Palm award.

Harassing Forde won the Peroni Award for Fiction & Fantasy for
“Readers of the Lost Remarks” and the “Meryl Streep Festival Enquiry” which also won worst scriptwriter.


Astonishingly, “One Flew out of the Clucas Nest” was not up for any awards. However, the star, is said to be taking it on the chin. She gave this statement to Hecko reporter Alistair McCraven.

“I am glad to be out of it this time round, the McCartneyist witch-hunts are about to start all over again and at least two of our leading stars are soon to appear before them. It really can end your career. Let me say now, I am not and have never been a member of the Custard Company. Once this is all over, they will need an old pro’ to take the lead role in the next no budget bankbuster”

Now you may be aware that Cinerama is back!

And the massive wide screen was just in the nick of time to announce the winner in the best newcomer and Turncoat Prize category, who also was given a Lunchtime Achievement award.

Yes Narnia Stewpid took the ‘Jaws Award’ for her many memorable rolls and epics.

Great Performances such as;
‘Loves Labours Lost’
‘Mash’
‘Chocolat’
‘Goodbye where’s me Chips’
‘Guess who’s coming to dinner….? Me’.
‘Mutiny for a Bounty’,
‘Passage to Indian’
‘Four Wedding Cakes and Tuna roll’,
‘The Greatest Sorbet Ever Sold’,
‘Back to the Foodstore II’,
‘You only Lunch Twice’,
‘It’s a Wonderful Loaf’, and of course
Biblical Epic ‘The Tinned Corn and Mince’
Lloyd Webber Musical ‘Cheeses, Crust Soup to Start’
And crime Thriller “ The Long Good Fried Egg”
And my old personal favourite, Apackocrisps Now!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, on to the main winner of the night.

Now you may have heard it announced that popular contenders the Gaudy double act, Rant and Dick (also known from their earlier career with a few flop chart hits as PC and Drinkin’) won the main vote in the people’s choice award but it turned out that just because ex Custard Creamer, Robyn Millions, wanted to fly in from Australia to present them with an award, the panel of judges had fixed the result.

Of course Rant and Dick who knew nothing of this, have been a major farce in light entertainment with hits such as “He’s a Calamity Get Me Out of Here” and many expected them to take the clown, I mean crown.

But on the night, the real people’s choice and continuing leader of the Crap-Pack was in none other than Wally Brando for his performance as Catherine of Arrogant at the Tate. The re-crowned Rat-Pack leader , Wally Bradlow squeaking live from Las Vague Arse was clearly overwhelmed at the number of his peers that voted against him.

“So what’s it like to still be leader will it be back to base tricks?” the reporters asked.
“Who dear, me dear, lead role in the Titanic? How very dare you! Just because I have a hand up my jacksy making my lips move, doesn’t mean I can’t still talk through it”


Then Storeyteller his co-star chipped in,

“ Come to see me have ya?
Come up to see your old Mike?
What a f*****g liberal..”

So against all predictions, except for those that predicted a win for Wally, there you have it, Victory for the lad himself. Stone me! Fantastic result. We are home and dry!
Unlike one of the contenders I expect.

And now as promised here is the singalong sheet. Tonight’s opening number from the ASBO choir, who will be live at the Anfield concert, where Macca himself will perform the anthem tribute.

Hooray for Wallywood!

Hooray for Wallywood
That screwy, ballyhooey Wallywood!
Where any fireman Or storeyteller
can lead while Yellar
With just a dumb-looking grin
And any Stewart
Can really screw-it
If she sees a bag
with some doughnuts in.


Hooray for Wallywood!
Where it’s horrific
that they’re all no good!
Where anyone at all
like Jasper Harbarrow
or Fatty Marbrow
is equally no damn good
Come on and try your luck
Nobody gives a F**k
Hooray for Wallywood!


Hooray for Wallywood!
That Tony, showed they’re phoney,
Wallywood
They gave us Harbarrow
and Robbing Archer
On whose departure,
filled their bags up with cash


08 culture,
a circling vulture
cock it up
and then make a dash



Hooray for Wallywood!
You may be pissed off
in your neighbourhood.


Still, if you wonder why
the city’s strapless
Just point to Hapless
He’d make a monkey look good!



We’re getting near the hour
When we can dump this shower
Time’s up for Wallywood!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRWeQ6nq6n8

By the way, Mr Clein only got a small number of votes. Probably cos it’s German for Diddy, Have I mentioned that? Diddy win? Diddy heck and he De-Cleined to comment.

Tatty bye Everybody, Tatty bye!

Coming soon to Capital of Custard - the Chuckle Bros, Jason and the Argonauts and Clint!!!!

By Jove Missus, it’s finally coming together. Hurrah!

After many months of bitter wrangling, sordid accusations and blame culture, with one fiasco and collapse after another, as well as some of the most appalling behaviour and abusive language I have ever witnessed, Mrs Chucklebutty’s flat pack bedroom suite is now almost complete.

Just the dressing table to go.

But never again! I can tell you….

"What? What???"

"I’m doing it now, woman!!"

"I am."

"No, I am not on the 'f-ing blog.'"

"I am just checking the website to see why we still have all these screws. "

"Good!"

"Go to the bingo, I’ll have it finished by the time……"

She’s gone….I can still hear her swearing in the street - oh ha ha!

She caught her head a whack on the hanging basket again! Serves her right.

Bloody self assembly. That’s one for trades description. I thought it was like one of those pop-up tents but we tipped it all out and nothing happened. Months I waited!

Why anyone wants to do this when you could get a perfectly good bedroom set from somewhere like Quiggins.

Alright, so these days the founder has come out on Youtube as BNP rather than MFI but you still need somewhere to hang your vests.

Good to know that in Capital of Custard year that the founder of Liverpool’s Iconic Emporium for the young Bohemian, where you could buy your joss sticks and Che Guava posters, is flying the flag.

I’m just not sure if it’s the right flag or one made popular in the 1930’s.

I wonder though how many of their customers would have survived the concentration camps set up by those from whom Mr Quiggins promoted party friends originally found their political inspiration?

Yes, you could get tattoos done at Quiggins as well I believe, but I don’t think they were compulsory or that they murdered the customers afterwards.

I can remember the good old days of Aunt Twacky’s Bazaar and of course 69A but now Quiggins makes me think of Zyklon B.

Ahh, the BNP they tell us they were never like that and have changed.

I think it’s called Hitlercause denial.

Maybe their old friend Dr David Irving could write a book about it now he’s out of prison.

What a shame.

Something once fondly celebrated is now tarnished and poisoned.

A funny old election wasn’t it?

And in the same week, Mrs Chucklebutty reveals to me that the much loved actor and war hero, James Stewart, was secretly a big player in the commie witch-hunts and a lot of other right wing political nastiness.

Oh, I can’t risk having any more heroes.

I am going to dismantle my shrines to Anita Harris and Jimmy Clitheroe before something comes out about them as well.

Speaking of the Clitheroe Kid, and back to normal business, Sheriff Bradlow has appointed a new Deputy, Cluckleberry Flo!

The crazy dancin’ gal that took over the Boot Ranch from Calamity Kemp for a while and turned it into the paradise it is today.

Yeeeha!

Seems she came at a cost though, the town just wasn’t big enough for two schoolteachers and she saw to it that one lame mule was more or less put out to pasture and destined to be an old grey mayor.

Another change on the reservation was the chopping down of the big thick ugly Totem pole on Elder Ridge.

Nobody seems to have noticed that it’s gone but a lot of folks are saying it still casts a dark shadow.

But ladies and gentlemen I am pleased to see that Capital of Custard events are really picking up now.

Roly Joe Riley has done an excellent piece promoting the sex god that is Philharmonic Conductor Vasilly Pertbottom.
I understand that his next performance will be the soundtrack from the film “The Full Monty” with him stripping naked at the end whilst the choir sing “You can keep your baton.”

Much better than Faure’s Requiem or Bachs Ass in B Minor, as Joe joked.

Now something I am looking forward to is the Klimt Exhibition.

I love all those Spaghetti Westerns and Dirty Harry.

I always used to say to Mrs Chucklebutty, “come on punk, make my tea.”

Mind you, she’d laugh and then belt me with a Fistfull of Scallops followed by A Few Scallops More, when I said “how about a sandwich then”?

Oh hang on, no it’s not Klimt Eastwood at all.

What a disappointment.

It’s some fellow who paints bread I think, something here about a Vienna.

William Morris will be there, the chap who used to do Animal Magic and Hammy Hamster and some Scottish chap in a mackintosh who’s brought some of his furniture.

I can’t see this bringing in the crowds!

Am I going mad or something?

It says here that one of Klimts most famous works will be on display, a reconstruction of Beethoven’s Fridge!!

A master piece of 20th century art that combines painting sculpture architecture….well now I know it’s nonsense Beethoven was dead by the early 1800s.

It says here, a prime example of the concept pioneered by Richard Wagner of the total work of art “GESAMTKUNSTWERK”

Hmm!

Now I am pretty sure that was the motto over the entrance to the old dole office in Leece Street. Well maybe that was an Arts and Crafts building.

Actually it was more likely a scouser with a felt tip pen.

Ladies and gentlemen, I almost forgot, there is also of course the comedy festival with clowns and comedians taking centre stage between now and 2010 at least.

Unless one or two comedians drop out in which case it may be renamed the Tears of Relief Festival.

But let’s give the Lib Dems a break for now.

Hopefully, the biggest laugh will come in a couple of months with Comedian Lee Hurst in 'Postman Prat meets Fireman Scam' appearing at The Royal Crown Court.

The Chuckle Brothers themselves should anytime soon be together again for one last time in Jason and The Lager Nits.

The conspiracy to rid us of the Legendary Orange Fleece.

Don’t forget Jamie Oliver will be here as well for the start of the Tall Chips race.

Seems things are really looking up again.

Oh no sorry, that’s the budget deficit for the Custard Company.

Tatty Bye Everybody, Tatty Bye