I may have inadvertently contributed to suggestions that Dickie Mint may have discussed with the press the ticky dodger of Mr Jasper Harbottle, erstwhile Executive Custard Creamer of the Custard Company. But only because I read it on some vile blog site, oh and in the newspapers and heard about it on the radio.
All I can say in my defence is that it was another error of judgement on my part to have ever mentioned it and I have written a letter of apology to somebody else in the hope that they may pass it on. The whole episode has caused deep distress to Mrs Chucklebutty, my good friend Mr Clack from the key-cutting shop and heel bar, (mind you, I wouldn’t risk taking a pair of shoes into him, he’ll throw them back at you refusing to handle something off of your stinking feet. I don’t know why he has the heel bar, it’s just an excuse to abuse customers) even our tortoise Bernstein has retreated into his shell during this sad and sorry episode. As you can see, she is still overfeeding him.
Yes missus despite the work of dark shadows - I told Hank Marvin to lay off the sun beds – and the scurrilous blogs*ites running a smear campaign against a decent, honest and upstanding (usually in front of the standards board) man, I am delighted to see that Dickie Mint OAF, the current Deputy Lord Muck of Grotty Cash has, as far as he is concerned, been completely exonerated, apart from on the technicality of his guilt and that he consistently denied everything including his name at the first hearing. He has quite rightly made reference to the smear campaign against him by the evil blog sites that sprung up during his other appearances before the Ironing Board, when he was again found guilty of bringing his office into disrepute and forced to resign as leader.
So disgracefully accurate have their personal attacks and exclusives been in recent months, that Dickie has now decided that they will certainly get no stories from him. And for my part ladies and gentlemen, I shall certainly not be making any further jocular comments on this disgraceful site. This city is not at home to Mr Truth!
These people have had the audacity to drag through the mud the good names of honest individuals such as Dickie and fellow Executive Bumbler, Steve Herpes, with the most foul accusations, such as lraking personal information to the press and then organising a cover up of the actual course of events, raiding the budget for the Meryll Streep festival for a pet project and then setting up a fall guy to get nailed for the resulting international headline fiasco.
Well I hope now that this will bring to an end the recent sad state of affairs and that we can get on with running this city properly and creating the kind of wealth and opportunity needed for Dr Rottlweiller and Liverpool Direct to completely bleed us dry.
Moving on now to a happier announcement- No not the Knightshirt for Professor Rednose – I am talking about the new head of Custard for the city, to take us into the 2009 legacy!
I wondered how I could best convey my joy at this appointment and thought what better than to pick a phrase or one from her very own Dictionary of Superlatives.
The brilliantly brilliant appointment of the brilliantly successful and brilliant organiser for the brilliant custard opening ceremony that got this brilliant year off to such a brilliant start, with the brilliant night at the brilliant St Georges Hall with the shite Ringo Star and his shite song……..hang on a minute……oh no that’s right.
Yes none other than the former left foot to Jasper Harbottle, Ms Clara MeCogloose has been named as our new Custard Queen. Actually MeCogloose is not her proper name, it is just a silly nickname given to her due to the crazy half-baked schemes that cost a fortune before being abandoned and attempts made to cover up the waste of your cash. Events like dredging Sefton Park Lake for an aborted Sonia Concert, The Sound of.......ooohh - Livvepule " and freezing the Mersey for an evening with Patricia Routledge on Ice (until they found out she was from Birkenhead and then thought fouquet) Yes Clara's proper name is actually McCogloose, so it is time this juvenile silliness was stopped and we gave the woman some support. Bring Jasper Harbottle back, that should do it.
But who knows, with most of the freeloading canapé and chardonnay guzzlers clearing off now that the gravy train has crashed, and there is nothing left for them to siphon off, she may even be able to make a go of it. I really hope so.
Take my advice, if anybody tries to throw a spanner in the works, grab it and use it to tighten that cog! You have to have some sympathy for her. Just think of having to sit and listen to Professor Phool Rednose and keep a straight face, pretending to be interested in his rambling cliche ridden claptrap and agreeing with how he is without doubt the saviour of 2008 and Culture Supremo for Grotty Frodsham. it must be hard to listen to him, knowing that he did nothing for five years he is now taking and being given all the credit. I think he must have bribed them all with signed photos of Harry Cross and Ralph.
Well alright, I will give him some credit, he did capture the imagination of the city with the design a bench competition, what a shame all the entries were all left on display on bonfire night.
Well Clara, the boot is on your left foot now. You should apply all your force and energy into putting that boot as hard as you can into the Custard Supremo's scouse wedding tackle. Good luck missus!
And finally, three cheers for Cilla and our own Les Dennis for ending the year with what is generally agreed to be a genuinely brilliantly brilliant show at the empire. (thanks for that line Clara)
Should I decide not to run for elected mayor (although it depends if Foghorn Leggarty ever comes out from hiding to kick-start my campaign) I've decided to forget about supporting Herbert. There is only one person suitable in my book to run the city.
I am now switching my allegiance to the warm and lovable Les Dennis, a true son of the city and a talented and versatile performer. Yes Les would get my vote as Mayor and what a splendid ambassador he would be for Liverpool a man who is held in great affection, or so our survey said. But unlike the current lot, I am sure that Les is a man who when asked a difficult question that he could not answer would not resort to lies or just say the first stupid thing to come into his head, but that he would have the honesty and integrity to say "I dooon’t really knooooow!" And that would be a major step forward for the city we love.
Hmmmmm, nice! Better Les than the whoopsie on the carpet we are going to get.
Come on Foghorn, what better opportunity could you ask for to promote the campaign for an Elected Mayor?
Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye !
Be Nice to each other