Election fever is upon us, or was it some dodgy King Prawns I had at the Cuban Eel Bar?
Yes May Day, May Day! We are lost at sea surrounded by Jellyfish and Sharks. Send help! Launch the floating voters! Throw the ballast boxes overboard.
All over Grotty Cash, ladies are ironing their pyjamas to get ready to go out and vote in one of the most nail polishing races ever seen in the city.
Who will be in control on May the 2nd ?
Of course the Glib Dums have been out of control for about seven years. After they pressed the ejector seat on Sir Diddy, and by Jove it was a powerful one to lift all those bags of cash as well, the city has been left in the hands of the hapless Fireman, Yes, by Jove, Wally Bradlow, ably supported by Hilton J. Stilton, with his famous catchphrase, “The Muck Stops Here”
Now some people, Mrs Chucklebutty, actually, are likening the Election to the famous Kennedy vs Nixon Presidential battle, a young, handsome, dynamic and charismatic leader winning over the female voters with his rugged good looks and distinguished service record and then of course there is Bradlow.
I really think Mrs Chucklebutty should have gone to Spec savers. Yes Wally, “would you buy a used Lambanana from this man” Bradlow. Now Red Eye Joe may look a bit like Alfred Hitchcock, but he presents well and at least he has one leadership quality, he can actually put a sentence together in English. You may not agree with it, but it is a sentence and when you want somebody to represent the City at a time of International focus you don’t really want Frank Spencer making the speeches.
Some Pams do ‘ave em. “ leave my little soldier alone!”
“Oohh we’ve ‘ad a bit of trouble, somebody did a whoopsy on Mathew Street.”
To borrow something from Winston Churchill, “up drew an empty cab and out stepped Bradley.” And of course we have all seen the recent defections and de-selections.
Is it four or five who fell foul of the fireman following the ferocious fall-outs? I’m fairly certain it’s at least four so far following all the failures and frequent fights. Who went first? I think Firth was the fourth or was Firth fifth? I think Fraenkel fell out of favour first and they went into free fall following Forde being fitted up in the farcical fixed report into the festival fiasco?……..I beg your pardon Mrs Chucklebutty has me on the F-plan diet and I have started to binge.
By the way, have you heard that the great Cultural spectacular will still go ahead with the company that created the “Consultants White Elephant” bringing a similar spectacular event to Grotty Cash? Now the exact details are a secret but being an advisor to the Custard Company, I can let you know what was on the shortlist for
“La Machine” as they are calling it. The first idea is a 30ft Boot kicking pensioners out of a day care centre but it was thought to be insensitive to the desires of people who, as Bradlow has pointed out, wish to remain trapped seven days a week in their home with a stranger throwing shopping at them a couple of times a week for company. Another idea was a 90ft Headless Chicken riding on a burning Fire Engine.
But I think they will go for the giant Gonewest Bank Cash Machine with the whimsical pin number 2008 spewing over £22 million down a 20ft drain with giant grinning marionettes of Archer, Sir Diddy, Harbottle and co. marching along side filling big sacks. Anyway I mustn’t spoil it, I’ll leave all that to the Custard Company.
So back to the Election! As those of you who read the local newspaper and I use the term as loosely as a seagulls bowels…ooh it can be rough on your nobby styles that paper but Mrs Chucklebutty gets it for the articles about Colleen whatshername, you know, Mickey Rooney’s young lady, that and because it is very good for soaking up the cats accidents, yes the Liverpool Hecko; here no evil, see no evil, print no evil, unless it’s about crime, drugs or mucky medics. The hecko has been running a series of articles about the political issues in Grotty Cash in the election run-up and getting the views of the main party leaders, subtitled “what the Hecko wants.”
The Editor, Mr Gordon Macaroni, the old news hound that he is, has produced a hard hitting list of demands to take Grotty Cash into the 25th century, To Infinity and Beyond, they say in true Buzz Lightbulb style. They have put these demands to the main political leaders to get their response. Here are some controversial examples.
What the Hecko wants!
Trees of green, red roses too friends shaking hands saying how do you do.
WB: “We have had to cut down all the trees in Sefton Park, as they were not in the plans for the original Norman Invasion or even mentioned in the Gloomsday Book, which as you know was signed by the glib dums at 12.15 just after lunch on behalf of the people with the King Johns Ambulance and I can assure you that right now, all our hands are shaking. Just look at where we were 10 years ago..sorry where was I?
JA: “Good Eeeeeeevening ”
What the Hecko wants!
A city that gets its bins emptied and yet cares about the environment (have you no mercy Machray…go easy on them they are only human).
WB: “We have recently dumped a load of blue bicycling bins everywhere in the run up to the local collections which will be emptied if it is a marginal seat or set on fire in which case I will personally put them out when I have more free time. Can I say also Roger just look at where we were 10 years ago…sorry where was ?”
JA: “ Weekly bin collections are vital and we will have to got through every one of them to try and find the £64 million that the Lib Bins have thrown away”
What the Hecko wants!
A clean city with safe open spaces. A city that sets and hits stretching tourism and retail targets and engenders civic pride!
WB: “ Mothers pride? Yes that is the bread and butter of Liverpool One and we will communicate a joint strategy with Hovis construction. But just look at where I was 10 minutes ago….where was I? It wasn’t Las Vegas, you promised not to mention that."
JA: “Our open spaces are the in the financial records of where all the money has gone”
What the Hecko wants!
An efficient sleaze free Liverpool crucially balancing the books
WB: “I’m Jolly Roger….er, I mean I’m sorry Roger but there is no sleaze in Liverpool and I am sure that if there was any evidence or suspicion of it, I would have read about it in the Hecko. We are Liverpool and the glib dums put the LIVE into Liverpool and the POO and for the last 10 years we have been taking the P*** as well, ahh that’s where I was. As for balancing the books, that’s too easy you should see me and Mr Storeyteller balancing bottles of Peroni on our heads.”
JA: "I have to agree with Wally about sleaze, it would be hard to find a shred of evidence, they have shredded it all.”
What the Hecko wants!
(In the voice of John Le Mesurier) A rather lovely bench for Liverpool
WB: “Oh f*** off Roger are you trying to suggest we will loose our seats? Don’t forget my passion comes across as being aggressive sometimes and if I thump you it is only because I care, don’t I mum?”
PB: “Ohh did the nasty man say bad things to my little boo boo? ”
JA: “If there are any spare seats going in the city can we have them? ”
But what of the other parties you all ask? The Hecko spoke to the other main leaders
Hank Kingsley: The Wuthering Liberals
“ Hey noooow! Does that say applesauce? No it’s applause. The Liberal Party in Liverpool is basically me in a striped top or a rugby shirt but with more hair than Anderson. Wally has a full head of hair but it grows from inside his skull, coming out like a coconut so don’t judge us by hair alone. Wally and Stormy have been referred to the Standards boards for their behaviour, however I will pursue them under the Trades Descriptions Act for the use of the word Liberal.”
Sarah Trimmings: Green Party
“The Green vote was started on Opportunity Knocks with a clapometer measuring the carbon applause print of the studio audience. Our famous candidates have included Mary Hopkin, Little and large, Pam Ayres, Les Dawson and Tony Holland the Muscular meat pie man. While others may have jumped on the recycling issue, I always jump on it to flatten more down into the bin. Remember with the Hughie Green party it’s your vote that counts. We will double your money not take it away. And what we say in our manifesto, we mean it most sincerely folks, we really do.
Ray Sistwat: Brutish National Farty
“Grottische Cache Uber Alles!”
Sidney Pringle: Conservative
“ Who me? Ohh ‘ellooo. Oh no, don’t go to the polls, get a British plumber. When is the election? Who is standing for the Tories? Who? Ohhh, stop messin’ about.”
Foghorn Leggarty: A Mayor for Grotty Cash Party
“Now listen here, why can’t we be like London, I say London and follow the example of Dr Livingstone, with an elected, I say elected Mayor. He introduced an Indigestion Charge to cut down on greenhouse gasses and with all the hot air and noxious fumes coming outa the Town hall hen house we need to act fast. We need to have an accountable leader or maybe just an accountant would do. I will also ban the Bernard Matthews Street Festival. Why I lost some good friends last time…finger licken good though MMMMhmmmm!”
Herbert Howe: Side Party
“Its all cut and dried”
Well ladies and gentlemen, the city is up for grabs. All of the cash has already been grabbed but it is still a two horse race to take over the one star state. And what a state we are in. The McCartney concert with the supposed international line-up is now also a one star concert, so at least there is some consistency.
After witnessing Wally Bradlow's skills and experience over the last two years can you allow him to be voted out and risk him turning up if your house goes on fire?
Many feel that Liverpool desperately needs change. About £60 million in copper would do.
Is Anderson your man? Can he turn off the laughter track and replace it with one where people are laughing with us not at us. Can he stomach the festering cans of worms buried under the Municipal Chuckle Chamber, will he really go in there with a tin opener? Will he even get the chance?
I will say one last thing, as depending upon the results, I hope to retire in May.
I say this as a final gesture of decency and a warning to Wally Bradlow and his Glib Dum chums. If the next time we see you, all your faces are blackened, your hair is standing on end and your suits all smouldering, well I saw MeCogloose running wires from the mains fuse box in the town hall. You said something to her about the election and you needing at least 20,000 votes.
Tatty Fry Everybody Tatty Fry
Love from Professor Chucklebutty