Saturday, 27 January 2007


By Jove! Here i am again, being accused of all sorts!
You ungrateful Bassets!
What have I done to deserve this missus?
How tickled I was to take up my new post as chairman of the Great North Western Railway Health Authority. Or whatever it's called.
To be honest,I only looked at the wages.
Mind the gap!
Ha-ha, Yes, the one between credibility and salary.
Well as you know, my tickling stick can fill any gap, They can't touch you for it!
Yes, health. Of course I've been drumming up business for the health service for years, most people are quickly sick at the sight of me.
As new chairman, I was able to pick my own chair, but I still had to put four cushions on it so they could see my head over the table.
And now, here I am working in health being accused of speeding up the process to get rid of a troublesome boil!
People are saying that I was scared of her standing up to me, what nonsense!
She stood up to me once and i looked her straight in the gusset and said, listen here Maggie, you'll never walk down Lime Street anymore if you carry on like this.
Mind you, you can't drive down either.
So as Chairman, i exercised my authority and hid her chair for the next meeting.
She was totally discomknockerated and quickly cleared off to take a new job in charge of the Veterinary surgery in Emmerdale.
I was in Emmerdale once you know missus, Ooo Arrrhh yes!
In the old days when Amos Brailey was birdwatching.
The script called for a little tit to come through the window of the Woolpack.... how dare you madam?
No, I was an extra who found a feather in his pint.
Anyway, where was I? oh yes..
Do you know ladies and gentlemen, it's free for the public to dial 999?
That can't be right?
Lets's face it, if you are really sick you wont mind paying a few bob to phone for an ambulance.
And now when you ring them, there's no recorded message or music to listen to! What kind of customer care is that?
A little Rossini will help you stop worrying about the scissors in your neck.
The Thieving Magpie has always been a favourite of mine.
That reminds me i must call the Doctor myself.
And this 999 service is all so gloomy.
Cheer the callers up with a few shaggy dog stories, in fact I'll give you his number.
Now we all want good health and i believe that there is only one part of the body that needs treating regularly, and that's the funny bone. yes the Humourus.
We all need to exercise the chuckle muscle at least 3 times a day.
First thing in the morning, I go into the bathroom, take all my clothes off in front of the mirror and look at the size of my moneybelt.
Ha Ha! By Jove! One sneeze and I could hit the jackpot.
Hold yer plums Diddy!!
And forget all this nonsense about obesity, it's nice to get hold of something, isn't it ladies and gentlemen?
I keep piling on the pounds and that exercises my chuckle muscle every time I go to the bank. Yes the Wealth Service is safe in my hands!!!
Tatty-bye everybody tatty-bye!!!
12:46 AM


By Jove missus!
Can't a man slip quietly away into retirement without being hounded by this blog?
All i want to do is sit on me mushroom in the garden and every now and then get the rake out and go looking for cash. Is that a crime?
It's hard for us pensioners to make ends meet, so i am forced to take on the odd job here and there.
Panto is a long way off you know and there's a lot of local competition for the role of Sleazy right now.
Mind you missus there is a clear favourite for Dopey, and Doc fixed himself up as soon as he knew i was off.
But who on earth are they going to find to play Snow White?
Ha ha by jove, that'll be like trying to find a weasel in a pay-stack.
So, I have to keep going, no rest for the wicked and no listeners either if we get the licence. yes you may have heard about my radio bid...that's the wireless missus. Bring back Jimmy Young!! What's the recipe today Jim? Usually something a bit fishy.
Yes my venture into broadcasting with Dickhead FM has been resurrected again but this time for the Valleys of Wales. At least i won't have to play the bloody Beatles, those mop topped morons i had to keep praising in Liverpool.
Capital of Culture missus!
A bit more than "yeah, yeah yeah...", "Sgt Bradleys lonely hard up plans.", "Eleanor Rathbone" and "He's been a Hard Faced Knight and he was working with the Dog"
A load of rubbish!
I'll show you ungrateful turn-coats what real culture is, once I get my own 5 hour daily radio slot.
Diddy David?.... Blast and discomknockerations! I may have to change my name there's another one already!
Ahh I know, Diddy Dafyd, yes you see, I am still quick on me little feet missus.
Yes i will need to appeal to a Welsh audience, highlight my background in the jam butty mines, my diddy davey lamp on my head and face red with jam on my way home from the pit for a tin bath in front of the fire.
A simple welsh rarebit from Fortnum and Masons warming on the Aga.
First record will be to celebrate the Big Dig, "Road Rage" by Catatonia, actually that reminds me of look on the faces of the audience during my recent lecture tours "Forty Days And Forty Winks with The Squire of Grotty Cash"
People really are queueing up to see me speak.
I must demand a smaller lectern though, I get out of breath jumping up and down so they can see my head.
So missus back to Bighead FM, I am going to take the airwaves by storm, a little opera slot in the missus not Oprah!
If I may be serious for a moment ladies and gentlemen, I have actually re-written Wagners Ring Cycle for modern day.
In my new version Das Merseygold, starts with the blonde merseymaids guarding the Lieverpool gold and then along comes a poisonous little dwarf who tricks them all stealing lot.
He renounces love and honour because he can still have lust and wealth.
That is followed by The Valkries, where the blonde maidens really start to get screwed for losing the gold, you know the main tune..used in the war film film Apackofcrisps Now!
Dumb diddy dumb dumb, dumb diddy dumb dumb...and by jove you were dumb!
Then there is Seigleader, the noble fool who brings about his own downfall trying to take onthe poison dwarf.
And of course it all ends in tears with the Twighlight of the Dogs in Bloggerdammerung, as we see the downfall of the gods through greed, avarice and betrayal.
You see i can be serious and satirical missus and once my updated version is produced, I fully expect once again to have people worshipping my jove back to the smut and innuendo quick as a flash!
Now before I go, i must say something about the Sir Diddy Hogwash Partnership, my little investment company to set aside something for a rainy day.
If you want to be in my company and not many do, in fact so far it's just me and Lady Diddy, and she's not that keen, you can buy a share for a quid.
This company could be hugely influential, alter the course of business for the 21st century.....a soon I find out what it does, we can start influencing.
So come on down, the price is right missus, what's a pound to you?
You already handed me 340,000 of them for nothing, by jove and there's plenty more out there!
A quick hello by the way to one of my ex Diddyrectors whom I hear is making a local comeback, Cheeky Chuck Parker.
A fine young man who will go a long way, the further the better. You'll get no more out of me!
I hope he can make a contribution to capital of culture, he was always full of bright ideas, always looking to dip his nib and get something down.
I remember us thrashing around a few ideas about what we could do to make capital of culture a success.
Like me, he isn't a fan of the Beatles (Jo Brown and the Bruvvers)and obviously a re-union was off the cards but people were pushing to get Paul McCartney involved.
Charlie said that Mccartney was an idiot and had done of nothing merit since the Beatles.
Well what about Wings? somebody said and Charlie replied, "Yes that would be good, we could sell wings with commemwerwative bwacelets wiv the 08 wogo on"
Titters all round missus and the usual arguments followed as people walked out including Charlie saying they couldn't work amongst all the wanqours and compwete wack of wespect.
And that's what we need wespect...Respect especially for our elderly citizens...Up the pensioners!
So come on, show you still care, send me a quid and buy a little bit of Diddy.
After all i have done you for, support me now in my hour of greed.
And now now before Sailing by on Wicked FU here is the Grabbing Forecast...
Tatty bye everybody Tatty bye!

Sunday, 14 January 2007


By Jove, missus!
What a tattynefarious day, yes, when I was made Squire of Grotty Cash.
Who would have thought it, from those dark days in the Knowsley Jam-butty mines to be elevated to such lofty heights?
And that's not just my cuban heels.
What a beautiful day for putting a shovel in your underpants and saying how's that for a Big Dig?
Yes when the good burghers and some very silly burghers of Lollypool, put me in charge of Chuckle Chambers I didn't want to leave this wonderful city with tears for souveignirs but to leave you feeling full of mirth and your spirits lighter.
Well I was close missus I left full of murk and with your bank balance much lighter.
Of course I am now a Knight of the Realm.
And what a bloody awful night it was too.
Arise Sir Diddy, they said.
Yes please, I said.
So I increased my salary.
But I couldn't have done it without good friends. And closest of all was Doc the Marmaliser.
He helped me leave a great legacy, LDL. Lotsa Dirty Lucra.
Where's all the money gone? people ask.
Well mostly to charity - to help a dear old lady called Beatty.
A shame I fell out with Dickie Mint over silly things like the Trams and the Cloud but when he tried to offer me a bus pass to go, it was only off-peak!
An insult to a man of my standing (4' 10" in my heels) and I was not going to stand at the bus stop until 9.30 missus, not with the cold windy weather whistling round your knighthood.
I didn't want my investments shrinking.
So I threatened to report Dickie to the help the aged standards committee and they were shocked at what they found!
Dickie had been trying to topple me with his cohort, Mattymail Funniblog.
Dickie had to step down from his high office and finally look me in the eye.
A new experience for me!
But it was all worth it, I got my pension and my full bus pass.
So I think the whole issue about standards in public office that can be learned from my time in charge of the chuckle muscle of Merseyside comes down to one thing - Happiness!
We all need to be happy and it's good to see that despite all the bigwigs driving around in their posh cars, they stil think of the less fortunate, like the homeless and have, I believe, just invested some cash in Shelter.
So the Liver Birds still stand proud and so do the pigeons on the roof of the Town Hall.
And as i said to the pigeons on the day I left, lets stop all this silly coo nonsense.
I did what I did to stand up for Diddymen everywhere.
Tatty Bye everybody Tatty Bye!!!!