Sunday, 27 July 2008

CEX Spies and Idiot tapes. Comic turns at the Phone-Tappers and Shunters. Give order please!

By Jove, Missus, I have only just found out that the latest series of my all time favourite television programme, Fantasy Island, is actually made right here in Grotty Cash!

I have just been down to see the set and meet the cast. It is completely stunning how they manage it.
The format has changed a little but it’s still the same incredible stories of a bunch of gormless folk and conniving tricksters who travel there wasting an absolute fortune, just to live out their personal fantasies of wealth and power.

What I love about the series is the mixture of intrigue, heartbreak and comedy.
Apparently though, this series has gone way over budget, at least 64 million. Twice that if you count the episode about the people whose fantasy it was to have equal pay and that’s nowhere near finished. They really should ditch the Executive Producer and the directors and get somebody else in before the show is axed.

I met up and had dinner with the stars. (Ha, ha Pete Price!! One-Nil to Chucklebutty, and I asked them about you and they said, “never heard of him”) They took me around the magnificent Town Hall set and told me about the current episodes being filmed.

If you have missed it this is basically the plot so far, Brad Pratt, plays the part of a simple fireman, Wally Bradlow. He has a heart-warming fantasy, that people will just take him seriously, so he is put in charge of a Lambanana Republic and it all just crumbles around him. Poor Wally, every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it and what’s more, he has no money to run the country and no idea where it has all gone.

The problem is of course that Wally is surrounded by intrigue and incompetence and quickly joins in the spin to hide his own inadequacy. Although a very sad story, comic relief is provided by veteran music hall star Frank Randle, as toothless Mike Stormey, the former leader and founder of the new republic. Pictured here reassuring Wally.

Stormey had to jump before being chased out of office for trying to rob a poor pensioner and kick him out of his job in previous hilarious episodes. That was a favourite of mine, it starred Gerald Campion as Sir Diddy, a greedy little jumped up pen pusher. But Stormey was no match for Diddy who wiped the floor with him clearing off with huge bags of loot. "Yaroooo!"

Despite Stormey being disgraced, his little protégé Wally just hadn’t the heart or the guts to get rid of Stormey and keeps giving him jobs, so the joke is kept going as he continually keeps popping up to embarrass everyone with his madcap antics as he tries to scheme his way out of trouble in the same old way, getting caught out each time.

This means poor hapless Wally has to deal with the legacy of Diddy’s departure and the gang of unscrupulous little corporals that Diddy left behind who all hate Stormey. Wally had hoped that the appointment of a new Chief Pen-pusher Hilton J Stilton, pictured right on the day he first saw the accounts and played by the silent screen star Harold Lloyd, would sort things out for him as a safe pair of hands. But then they realised the safe was empty, in fact Stilton emptied some of it himself with his new salary and bonuses and a string of pay-offs. So with yet more mad-cap schemes, even more money pours down the grid as they completely lose control.

All the ensuing calamities, cock-ups and attempted cover-ups continue to be leaked to the resistance movement, the TP47 brigade as they are known and a coup is feared.

So Harold Lloyd as Stilton, spends all his time hanging off a ledger whilst trying to cover-up Stormey’s schemes, Wally’s incompetence and all of the waste and allegations of corruption.

In a hair raising sequence as Stilton hangs by a thread after being caught trying to listen-in to a telephone call involving the leader of the opposition party, the outraged Joe Scandafone, played by James Robertson-Justice,all hell breaks loose!

Astonished to find Stilton hanging from a ledge outside his office window with an ear trumpet, Joe demands to know what is going on and seeks answers through The Feeling of Infiltration Act. To his horror, he discovers that Stilton has been monitoring calls, eavesdropping and rifling through everybody’s drawers.

What’s worse is that to spy on everybody and find the mole, he’s been using the services and technology of the evil Dr Dive InMeshowerhoney, to do it. Donald Pleasance gives his usual wonderfully creepy performance as the Doctor, who is the Head of Listen-in Direct, the company siphoning off all the state gold reserves.

But Stilton is no longer the innocent people thought he was. He was supposed to sort out the evil doctors empire but soon realised that if he did, the whole house of cards (all jokers) would come crashing down. So when Joe finds out he’s been under secret surveillance, Stilton quickly points the finger at his chief check-out girl who can never get her till to balance and that he wants to get rid of anyway.

Poor Phyllis Hearsall, is the less than innocent cashier, played by Joyce Grenfell.

In a stormy meeting, at the town hall, Joe tells everyone that it’s all a cover-up and a secret report had already shown who had been leaking all the state secrets to the resistance movement. Joe shows everybody a list of the number of times he has phoned for a Pizza, as recorded by Hearsall and demands the suspension of the series until the writers can up with a more believable script.

The last episode ended with Wally, Stormey, Stilton and Hearsall in the bar of the Phone-Tappers and Shunters Social Club with them all walking towards camera saying “what do we do next, what do we do next?”

Well I don’t know what they will do next either missus. I just hope they don’t axe the whole show. It’s like I Claudius meets Michael Bentine’s Potty Time.

Anyway you should all look out for it. Deidre Bartley in the Wrexham Post is one of the few TV critics that have done write-ups on the show. The Hecko seems too interested in Purple Ronnie’s obsession with men’s bicycle clips and Colleens hemlines to say much about it.

Every now and then, if it gets just too talked about to ignore, the Hecko will give a watered down review by Nick Columngone. But anyway, have a look at the fan site on the internet if you want to know more. It’s called The Vile Dispicablog or Liverpool-Bus-shelter, something like that. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Next week Mrs Chucklebutty will be reviewing the re-make of comedy courtroom drama: Perry Makin. Starring Ross Kemp.

Tatty bye Everybody TattyBye.

Saturday, 12 July 2008

THE SOUND OF LIVERPOOL A special day for all our musical legends! From The Great Frankie Vaughan to Eleanor Rigsby and Rexy Music,

By Jove Missus, I couldn’t leave that picture of the Fireman up for too long, far too depressing. So I thought a new entry in my Official Guide to Capital Of Custard was called for.

Today I am going to talk about the Musical City that is Liverpool. Yes, it’s not just Jam that we mine here; anyway they were a London band I think. No this is about the homegrown stars of Grotty Cash who have lead the world of popular music. And I’m doing this for Capital of Custard because personally I can’t stand them. No, give me Joe Loss or Tommy Dorsey anytime.

Mind you Missus, this day to celebrate the Fab Five is causing some controversy. I mean for goodness sake (I bet you thought I was going to say Hippy Hippy Shake next) a Beatles day! I thought we were building the future for the city besides; there are only Mick and Titch left. Of course after Titch’s comments following the opening night for Capital of Custard, there is still some resentment, but cutting his head off was going too far in my book. Going on and on about the Beatles after all this time is very tiresome.

I mean it was 1957 when they last performed together. Although who can forget them singing ‘Zone-Ticket to Ride’ on the roof of that tram, and Get Back, Get Back inside, the conductor shouted all the way through, you can hear it on the album.
Well it’s health and safety, you know. It’s like now if you ask the bus driver “can I jump off here”? And he says “No yer f-ing can't you wanna get me sacked”?

And I’ll tell you something else; I don’t care if this Beatles day is for charity, because if that Chiz Cole has something to do with it, I wouldn’t give him a free parking space. I think he’s cost me quite enough already with his Summer Pops Concerts. It may be Chiz Cole promotions but judging by how much it costs, it’s Nutty Slack finances.

Yes give the Beatles a rest it was too long ago. It’s like going on about winning the World Cup in 1945. Seriously, you ask the young people today to name a Beatles song the response is “Gorra spare ciggie mate”? Which I think was one by the Rolling Stoned. And if you tell them no, they say “ F-off Ya fat tw*t” which is probably something by the Sex Pistols. No idea!

Even the Beatles albums and massive hits like, Sgt Bilko’s, Childwall Abbey Road, Strawberry Tarts and Cleo Lane or Lily the Pink. Never heard of them. Amazing but true. Well how many of you can name an Al Bowley hit? And anyway, there are lots of other great Liverpool musical artists who equally deserve their own day.

How about a Michael Holliday….day …I mean a day to celebrate…alright maybe that would be too confusing; Mind you the Yanks have Doris Day.

What about Frankie Vaughan? Frank was a great star in his day and also a very nice man. He had
that famous song that became an anthem for anyone who owed rent and had the bailiffs coming round, “Doing a Moonlight” At least we have a well deserved statue of Billy Fury but if we want to show off the music and Culture of the city let’s have one of Frankie too. It would look marvellous doing one of his famous high kicks, especially if placed behind one of those Lambananas. Just don’t let that Tommy Steele do it, for god’s sake. Dumping his rubbish in the middle of the night! There’s a law against fly tipping mate! That statue he did of Leonard Rossiter as Rigby; looks nothing like him. It’s more like Miss Jones on Diazepam.

But yes, I would certainly wear a straw hat and carry a cane for Frankie Vaughan day.
We are almost there already with so many people around town wearing a baseball hat and carrying a can of Caines.

By Jove, there are lots of local stars we could celebrate with a special day. There is Sonia Day, which could come after Saturday. We could all drink whiskey on a Sonia Day. Didn’t Norman Lamont try to start this some time ago with Cilla Black Wednesday or something? I know he lost a fortune on it. It was something to do with her joining the Eurhythmics and the ELO and there was a fall out? It was the same day that the late Sonny Bono broke his leg. There had been a major fall in Chers.

You know it’s a shame the Happy Mondays are from Manchester, that would have saved a few quid in print costs and we could have had that dancing chap, what’s his name? He used to clean up for them, Bex Bissell or something. You know him, he’s married to Sylvester Stallone's mother, there was a flies on the wall documentary about them, all living together in Germaine Greer’s house with her husband who does the racing and is a raging coke addict. "I want my coke", he was screaming, terrible. Mrs Bex Bissel.
But anyway we could have all danced like Bex for the whole day. Fun and fitness combined. You see I have got my thinking cap on. A bit more of an effort than a mop top and at least maintaining a bit of dignity.

I think Gerry Marsden gets enough play with his Bryan Ferry Roxy Mersey and the one they sing at the football, “I’m forever blowing bubbles” or something. Now before you start, I think Gerry is wonderful, in fact I never missed him on the Sooty Show with Matthew Corbett. By the way, I hear Sweep was arrested when he took out his water pistol at the bank recently.

Well he’s been hitting the bottle you know, he is very upset since Matthew sold him along with Sooty and Soo. What a swine that Matthew was. He wouldn’t let Harry Corbett near Sooty you know after he took over. Said it would confuse the children. They were probably confused enough turning the sound up on the telly every time Sooty spoke. Poor Harry, I remember him being humiliated on Wogan when Matthew wouldn’t let him have a go. He had to make do with Terry’s wig and pretend a steamroller had squashed Soo. sweep sings

Sorry, back to the main point. There are so many great musical stars from Liverpool even if we can’t have a special day for each one, we need to get them all in before Capital of Custard year is over.
There was the Four Seasons, their lead singer Vivian works in a supermarket now and is always happy to sign autographs. So if you ever want to meet The Four Seasons, Viv, Aldi is where you can catch her. The more I think about it, the more spring to mind.
The Netherley Brothers, T-Rex Makin, he did that novelty song “Hole in the ground” and “Boy Named Sue” and “ How could you believe me when you know I’ve been a lawyer all my life”.

We had Roger Hunt with his Mexican Whistle for half time and I’m gonna play Old Durham Town FC (Roger in action) and on a similar theme of course Bill Shankly and the Comets with Rock Around the Kop.

There was also that other chap who sang “Cream” and “Kiss”, his real name was Alfred Rode but he changed it to Prince. Actually when the police caught up with him for selling pirate CDs and knock-off videos around the boozers in Old Swan, they referred to him as, The Con Artist formerly known by his fingerprints.

I am not sure what we could do for Pete Wryly, apart from a house clearance.
Have you seen his gaff?

And one best avoided I think would be a Pete Burns Day! We couldn’t all go around the city pouting and telling everyone to F**k off. It would just be like a normal day, nobody would notice the difference. Maybe we could do it if it was just confined to the time he had his big hit “ I’m having one of my turns” was it? Or “ I’m so Dizzy”. I have to say when he had his band Bread or Aloaf (did they do Vienna?) and he used to hang out in Pube Records, or walk through town wearing only a thong, you had to admire his cheek. Well Mrs Chucklebutty did, he’s probably still got the teeth marks. (Pete in hayday)
Now who’s the other fellow, the one Wally Bradlow had wanted to ban from the Arena and then had to hide in the toilets when they were on, The Farmers, you know him, MacDonald or MacCropspray or something, they could get us all together for a day if they could just work out when best suits.

I tell you this though ladies and gentlemen, if I had my way, and I don’t care that she’s not from
Liverpool, because this would be a truly uniting national event, my choice would be to have an Anita Harris Day. Here she is with our very own Citytalk host and columnist Pete Murray. I would happily draw a little mole over me lip and don a leotard for that. By Jove yes! And I’ve still got the legs for it Missus, I’ve still got the legs!


Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

Wednesday, 9 July 2008

(Updated) One Trick Peronis Wally Bradlow, Dicky Mint and the Blog Standards Board

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Wally: C'mon Dicky you got to back me up,these buggers investigating us could hang me out to dry!
Dicky: .....It was him, it was him. I had nothing to do with it. Gottle of geer, gottle of geer!

Remember what you did last night?

Who you were with?

Who you spoke to?

Did you call anyone or send a text?

Well don't worry..look at where we were 10 years ago.

The Standards Board are back. They just love Liverpool, you can't keep 'em away. Hear what they have to say soon.

By Jove Missus, will we soon have a new leader, a new dawn?

Iron your best frock, Flo.

Can I have the first dance?

What fine representatives of the city we have in our resident double act.

Whilst we await the outcome of other outstanding investigations by the standards board, yet another matter involving the behaviour of Dicky Mint is referred to them. Is this a new record? Will the standards board move to Liverpool full time. They said Capital of Custard would create jobs.

I really think it's time Dicky was put back in the suitcase for good. My understanding is that during the giving of evidence,there was an interesting twist, Wally gave his account while Dicky drank a glass of water.

The little outburst last night by Wally showed that they have missed a crucial point.

Whoever is responsible for leaking information to the "Dirty Despicable blog" (Dicky says "Oh, no I didn't" but Wally even messes up the denial by shouting "so did you") the point is the Blog would never have happened had it not been for the dirty and despicable behaviour of Dicky, Diddy and their cronies and all those who refused to take proper action at the right time.

I may even lend my support to Foghorn Leggarty's Elected Mayor Campaign now if Dicky Mint is still destined to be the next Mayor of Grotty Cash.

Sorry to be so brief but I am working on my new campaign, a Knighthood for Rex Hesperus. A true icon of this city and its culture.

Either that or a Mayor in the Makin'.

By the way, anyone who wears a Beatles mop-top today will be noted and dealt with when either I or Sir Rex become Mayor. Best not buy the Ringo one either!

Look, if you want to give money to charity, never mind the self indulgence, "Ooohh I ran 20miles for irritable bowel syndrome, I raised £33.00 for flatulent owls dressed up as Elvis. No, just cancel your holiday and give your chosen charity the cost of it and all your spending money. Don't torment me, knocking on the door dressed up as a milkman, asking for money or you'll get another clout! Ohh... Mrs Chucklebutty, has just told me that that actually was the milkman. I'll pay him next week, or when he is discharged.

Or of course you could donate all the money you saved by getting free parking off the council.

Tatty bye everybody tatty bye !

Wednesday, 2 July 2008

Millions lost in The Vortex, Mr Potato Head, LDL and the Return of Ol' Blue Eye

By Jove Missus my subject today isn’t exactly about Custard 2008 but it goes a long way towards explaining why Grotty Cash has no money to pay for it or anything else for that matter.

Put your Anoraks on now.

So Did you see the drama-documentary on Saturday?

I was just back from my gentlemen’s club and frankly I had been mixing the grape and the grain with rather a powerful moulinex so I missed the very beginning but it was all about LDL. and how they have ripped off Grotty Cash?

It was on at Saturday teatime.

“They Stole the Earth” it was called and nobody knew where it had all gone. Was it anything to do with The Doctor?

Millions and millions had disappeared, feared lost forever including an additional 15 million that nobody new had been taken in the first place or what for. Then a message came through the computers with that all too familiar grating and menacing voice-

It was those evil machines, Liverpool Dalekts Limited !
But how had the Dalekts survived this long? Many thought they had been locked in a call queue. Or that the Shallow Proclamation with it's full 37 recommendations would have curtailed their power and their ability to harvest the life and budgets from humanity.
All Human Resources had been wiped out in fact almost everything they could get their plungers on, even dead turkeys, in their lust for wealth and power.

Those under their power had nowhere to turn to for help. Although the new Colonic Federation had promised to halt their evil ways, they did nothing to counter the evil menace and even allowed them to extend their grip on power for another five years.

There was of course one particular figure, an evil mastermind who had not been
spoken of for some time until suddenly, from the shadows, we first heard a chilling
voice. No it can’t be…can it? ...And then we saw a glowing blue eye with a Pound sign
in it as slowly the evil one emerged from the darkness.

Yes he’s was back! Dr. DAVROS MacIllPenny creator of The Dalekts
Claiming that he had rebuilt an entirely new empire using cell-phones from his own body. Dressed in a rather fetching black leather outfit, I wonder where he gets them? There can’t be that many gentlemen’s outfitters in the Medusa Cascade, (is that one of the new chain shops in Liverpool One?) I can’t imagine the Dialeks taking off their plungers and fitting a K-Tel Stitch-o-matic sewing machine on instead. Anyway he looked as menacing as ever and strangely in need of a shower. Mind you judging by his complexion he could do with some moisturising gel in there with him.

Of course he claims to be the creator of the Dalekts but as we know he would never have developed them had he not been brought here by the aggressive, short, stumpy, potato-headed figure of General Sir Diddyx of the Tenth Sentpackin Battle Fleet.
General Diddyx Henshaw

Diddyx of course was himself brought here by The Master or The Storeyteller, as he is sometimes known.
The Master is armed with a particularly dangerous device a Moronic Screw-it-up-driver. This has the power to shrink objects, particularly budgets. And allow him to disappear. But it was no match for General Diddyx who quickly showed him after landing on Grotty Cash that he was The Master now!

Actually, there was a another documentary all about the Master, about this time last year. Yes, it showed him like a maniac, callously and dangerously pushing some very old man arouund in a wheelchair, whilst singing at the top of his voice, “ I can’t decide whether you should live or die”. I suspect this was when they were looking at closing Leytone Dene and Boaler Street. Didn’t stop them though.

That was a close run thing, they would never have been able to shut them had it had it not been for the Atmos System releasing a noxious gas which resulted in a big ball of fat running to their aid allowing them to cling on to power.

Anyway if you missed it, part two is next week. As well as Dr DavilHinney, there is going to be something about Regeneration.

Mind you, I suspect that like the rest of the Glib Dums, who allowed Davros to plunder and bleed Grotty Cash dry, in the first place, it may all be something to do with living in a parallel world, where at the end anything Noble dies. I mean surely this kind of madness couldn’t happen in the real world!

But then again in spite of everything we knew, some idiot signed up for another 5 years without anyone knowing the full content of, or if any of the recommendations of the Shallow Proclamation KPMG /06 had been implemented.

Never mind, the fight back will be lead by Fireman Jack Courtcase from Scorchwood. He will report back on Davros’s empire. So maybe can we expect something in the post?

Contractually, I suppose, he will be forced to go through LDL to get the report typed up on one of their PCs and sent out through their network connections.

If they really want to sort out LDL, the answer is simple.
Reverse the polarity!

Tatty Bye Everybody, tatty bye!