Showing posts with label Roger Phillips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Roger Phillips. Show all posts

Wednesday, 30 April 2008

ELECTION SPECIAL: Grotty Cash 08 - The City Decides....


By Joe, missus! I mean by Jove!

Election fever is upon us, or was it some dodgy King Prawns I had at the Cuban Eel Bar?

Yes May Day, May Day! We are lost at sea surrounded by Jellyfish and Sharks. Send help! Launch the floating voters! Throw the ballast boxes overboard.

All over Grotty Cash, ladies are ironing their pyjamas to get ready to go out and vote in one of the most nail polishing races ever seen in the city.

Who will be in control on May the 2nd ?

Of course the Glib Dums have been out of control for about seven years. After they pressed the ejector seat on Sir Diddy, and by Jove it was a powerful one to lift all those bags of cash as well, the city has been left in the hands of the hapless Fireman, Yes, by Jove, Wally Bradlow, ably supported by Hilton J. Stilton, with his famous catchphrase, “The Muck Stops Here”

Now some people, Mrs Chucklebutty, actually, are likening the Election to the famous Kennedy vs Nixon Presidential battle, a young, handsome, dynamic and charismatic leader winning over the female voters with his rugged good looks and distinguished service record and then of course there is Bradlow.

I really think Mrs Chucklebutty should have gone to Spec savers. Yes Wally, “would you buy a used Lambanana from this man” Bradlow. Now Red Eye Joe may look a bit like Alfred Hitchcock, but he presents well and at least he has one leadership quality, he can actually put a sentence together in English. You may not agree with it, but it is a sentence and when you want somebody to represent the City at a time of International focus you don’t really want Frank Spencer making the speeches.

Some Pams do ‘ave em. “ leave my little soldier alone!”

“Oohh we’ve ‘ad a bit of trouble, somebody did a whoopsy on Mathew Street.”

To borrow something from Winston Churchill, “up drew an empty cab and out stepped Bradley.” And of course we have all seen the recent defections and de-selections.

Is it four or five who fell foul of the fireman following the ferocious fall-outs? I’m fairly certain it’s at least four so far following all the failures and frequent fights. Who went first? I think Firth was the fourth or was Firth fifth? I think Fraenkel fell out of favour first and they went into free fall following Forde being fitted up in the farcical fixed report into the festival fiasco?……..I beg your pardon Mrs Chucklebutty has me on the F-plan diet and I have started to binge.

By the way, have you heard that the great Cultural spectacular will still go ahead with the company that created the “Consultants White Elephant” bringing a similar spectacular event to Grotty Cash? Now the exact details are a secret but being an advisor to the Custard Company, I can let you know what was on the shortlist for

“La Machine” as they are calling it. The first idea is a 30ft Boot kicking pensioners out of a day care centre but it was thought to be insensitive to the desires of people who, as Bradlow has pointed out, wish to remain trapped seven days a week in their home with a stranger throwing shopping at them a couple of times a week for company. Another idea was a 90ft Headless Chicken riding on a burning Fire Engine.

But I think they will go for the giant Gonewest Bank Cash Machine with the whimsical pin number 2008 spewing over £22 million down a 20ft drain with giant grinning marionettes of Archer, Sir Diddy, Harbottle and co. marching along side filling big sacks. Anyway I mustn’t spoil it, I’ll leave all that to the Custard Company.

So back to the Election! As those of you who read the local newspaper and I use the term as loosely as a seagulls bowels…ooh it can be rough on your nobby styles that paper but Mrs Chucklebutty gets it for the articles about Colleen whatshername, you know, Mickey Rooney’s young lady, that and because it is very good for soaking up the cats accidents, yes the Liverpool Hecko; here no evil, see no evil, print no evil, unless it’s about crime, drugs or mucky medics. The hecko has been running a series of articles about the political issues in Grotty Cash in the election run-up and getting the views of the main party leaders, subtitled “what the Hecko wants.”

The Editor, Mr Gordon Macaroni, the old news hound that he is, has produced a hard hitting list of demands to take Grotty Cash into the 25th century, To Infinity and Beyond, they say in true Buzz Lightbulb style. They have put these demands to the main political leaders to get their response. Here are some controversial examples.

What the Hecko wants!

Trees of green, red roses too friends shaking hands saying how do you do.

WB: “We have had to cut down all the trees in Sefton Park, as they were not in the plans for the original Norman Invasion or even mentioned in the Gloomsday Book, which as you know was signed by the glib dums at 12.15 just after lunch on behalf of the people with the King Johns Ambulance and I can assure you that right now, all our hands are shaking. Just look at where we were 10 years ago..sorry where was I?

JA: “Good Eeeeeeevening ”

What the Hecko wants!

A city that gets its bins emptied and yet cares about the environment (have you no mercy Machray…go easy on them they are only human).

WB: “We have recently dumped a load of blue bicycling bins everywhere in the run up to the local collections which will be emptied if it is a marginal seat or set on fire in which case I will personally put them out when I have more free time. Can I say also Roger just look at where we were 10 years ago…sorry where was ?”

JA: “ Weekly bin collections are vital and we will have to got through every one of them to try and find the £64 million that the Lib Bins have thrown away”

What the Hecko wants!

A clean city with safe open spaces. A city that sets and hits stretching tourism and retail targets and engenders civic pride!

WB: “ Mothers pride? Yes that is the bread and butter of Liverpool One and we will communicate a joint strategy with Hovis construction. But just look at where I was 10 minutes ago….where was I? It wasn’t Las Vegas, you promised not to mention that."

JA: “Our open spaces are the in the financial records of where all the money has gone”

What the Hecko wants!

An efficient sleaze free Liverpool crucially balancing the books

WB: “I’m Jolly Roger….er, I mean I’m sorry Roger but there is no sleaze in Liverpool and I am sure that if there was any evidence or suspicion of it, I would have read about it in the Hecko. We are Liverpool and the glib dums put the LIVE into Liverpool and the POO and for the last 10 years we have been taking the P*** as well, ahh that’s where I was. As for balancing the books, that’s too easy you should see me and Mr Storeyteller balancing bottles of Peroni on our heads.”

JA: "I have to agree with Wally about sleaze, it would be hard to find a shred of evidence, they have shredded it all.”

What the Hecko wants!

(In the voice of John Le Mesurier) A rather lovely bench for Liverpool

WB: “Oh f*** off Roger are you trying to suggest we will loose our seats? Don’t forget my passion comes across as being aggressive sometimes and if I thump you it is only because I care, don’t I mum?”

PB: “Ohh did the nasty man say bad things to my little boo boo? ”

JA: “If there are any spare seats going in the city can we have them? ”

But what of the other parties you all ask? The Hecko spoke to the other main leaders

Hank Kingsley: The Wuthering Liberals

“ Hey noooow! Does that say applesauce? No it’s applause. The Liberal Party in Liverpool is basically me in a striped top or a rugby shirt but with more hair than Anderson. Wally has a full head of hair but it grows from inside his skull, coming out like a coconut so don’t judge us by hair alone. Wally and Stormy have been referred to the Standards boards for their behaviour, however I will pursue them under the Trades Descriptions Act for the use of the word Liberal.”

Sarah Trimmings: Green Party

“The Green vote was started on Opportunity Knocks with a clapometer measuring the carbon applause print of the studio audience. Our famous candidates have included Mary Hopkin, Little and large, Pam Ayres, Les Dawson and Tony Holland the Muscular meat pie man. While others may have jumped on the recycling issue, I always jump on it to flatten more down into the bin. Remember with the Hughie Green party it’s your vote that counts. We will double your money not take it away. And what we say in our manifesto, we mean it most sincerely folks, we really do.

Ray Sistwat: Brutish National Farty

“Grottische Cache Uber Alles!”

Sidney Pringle: Conservative

“ Who me? Ohh ‘ellooo. Oh no, don’t go to the polls, get a British plumber. When is the election? Who is standing for the Tories? Who? Ohhh, stop messin’ about.”

Foghorn Leggarty: A Mayor for Grotty Cash Party

“Now listen here, why can’t we be like London, I say London and follow the example of Dr Livingstone, with an elected, I say elected Mayor. He introduced an Indigestion Charge to cut down on greenhouse gasses and with all the hot air and noxious fumes coming outa the Town hall hen house we need to act fast. We need to have an accountable leader or maybe just an accountant would do. I will also ban the Bernard Matthews Street Festival. Why I lost some good friends last time…finger licken good though MMMMhmmmm!”

Herbert Howe: Side Party

“Its all cut and dried”
_________________________________________

Well ladies and gentlemen, the city is up for grabs. All of the cash has already been grabbed but it is still a two horse race to take over the one star state. And what a state we are in. The McCartney concert with the supposed international line-up is now also a one star concert, so at least there is some consistency.

After witnessing Wally Bradlow's skills and experience over the last two years can you allow him to be voted out and risk him turning up if your house goes on fire?

Many feel that Liverpool desperately needs change. About £60 million in copper would do.

Is Anderson your man? Can he turn off the laughter track and replace it with one where people are laughing with us not at us. Can he stomach the festering cans of worms buried under the Municipal Chuckle Chamber, will he really go in there with a tin opener? Will he even get the chance?

I will say one last thing, as depending upon the results, I hope to retire in May.

I say this as a final gesture of decency and a warning to Wally Bradlow and his Glib Dum chums. If the next time we see you, all your faces are blackened, your hair is standing on end and your suits all smouldering, well I saw MeCogloose running wires from the mains fuse box in the town hall. You said something to her about the election and you needing at least 20,000 votes.

Tatty Fry Everybody Tatty Fry



Love from Professor Chucklebutty

Friday, 14 March 2008

The Doings of Sir Diddy - his Top Twenty achievements on behalf of the Glib-Dum silly console

By Jove missus !

Once again the leaders of Grotty Cash have called upon me, Sir Diddy to help them out of their mess.

Cometh the hour, cometh the chequebook!

How could I possibly stand by with Nero Bradlicus fiddling while Rome burns.

And him a fire fighter too!

My first bit of advice to Wally, is from his own handbook: “Get out and stay out!”

Yes by Jove, since that awful woman, Audrey Commission wrote her damning report into the finances and behaviour of the silly console, all they have been able to come up with is a list of alleged achievements to try and counter the bad publicity.

Trouble is nobody believes them any more! So they thought how can we turn this around?

The solution is simple; recruit a really convincing liar, one prepared, as they say in Liverpool, to “swear on me Ma’s gravy.” The Lying Bistos!

So ladies and gentlemen, with the help of me Cuban heels, I am ready to rise to the occasion. Steady missus, Lady Diddy reads this, so no smutty innuendos.

I know you’d all like to see me stripped of my knighthood, but you’d never get passed me money-belt.

The only person who gets to see me in me birthday suit is my accountant who doubles as a proctologist. Well, you need to carry some loose change!

But by Jove, what a mammoth task Wally has left me! Ha ha! A Wally Mammoth! I thought they’d all become extinct? Well, they soon will be!

Just to show the scale of the task ahead, Mac the Marmaliser has sent me an email exchange on the first draft copy of their achievement list printed below.

You can see what I am up against.

Stilton,Hilton
2Cex. E for my shirt
Room 101
Municipality of Mirth

Wally,

As requested here is first draft for list of Glib-Dum achievements.

Achievements

1.
2.

Shall we continue with numbers all the way down the page and will we need some words next to them?

Please advise urgently.

Kind Regards

Stilton
------------------------------------------------
Bradlow, Wally
Leaders Office
Room 999
On the ledge of 5th floor, don’t try to talk me down
Municipality of Mirth

With respect Milton, that’s not what I am saying or what we are about.

You only have to look at our track suit bottoms to see that what we have done has been about getting things done and that’s not just numbers but things that count to the people of Liverpool and I know if I was to ask them what they want, numbers on a page or a list of numbers, they would say numbers and you can count me into that too Roger.

And don’t forget that we saved the Lambanana! Put that at the top please Jason!

Kind Fireguards
Wally
----------------------------------------------

So ladies and gentlemen, here is just a sample of the list of great achievements I have compiled to show people that under my leadership we did achieve great things and under my effluence can do again.

Great Achievements, Great City, Great Salary.

The Doings of Sir Diddy, The “Knight of a New Day” ( my new slogan dreamt up for me by a marvel -ess new company, Harbottle Disassociates)
The Top Twenty List of Achievements

1 Liverpool now has the lowest council tax in Liverpool.

2 Frozen meals for pensioners - most have no teeth in Liverpool so ideal for sucking and energy efficient. Less roughage content also means lower carbon emissions. The old folk love it! Rissole on a stick, Rabbit Sushi, Sardine Vindaloo, and a big spotted dick….who delivers it. (Well, we had to find another role for Storeyteller after his first trip to the Standards Board).
3 Closed down out-dated day care centres - thus helping to reduce traffic congestion, by getting rid of those slow yellow mini buses. I mean these days people don’t want that kind of service in a modern city, all those depressing faces looking out the bus window, puts you off your 12” subway cheesy ciabatta sarnie. So we have assisted in keeping them trapped in their homes, with a regular midnight visit from a fully qualified Asbo community service volunteer.
4 Appointed Bet Lynch herself (Julie Goodyear) as Ambassador for Liverpool.

5 Achieved World Hattiejaques status for the waterfront and the 3 grocers.
6 Sent Alsop packing with a cloud over his head.
7 Reduced street homelessness in Liverpool by obstructing the tramp line to Kirkby as it didn’t include Jack Lemon Airport (even though we asked them to squeeze it in).
8 Established a major international tourist attraction for tramline enthusiasts with the largest collection of new rusting tram tracks in Europe.
9 Created one of the largest and most expensive call centres in the world with the longest recorded message to allow people to consider if they really…really need to speak to anyone. Well worth £170 million.
10 Won CAPITAL OF CUSTARD for the city creating one of the most hilarious chapters in our 800 years of history (see separate entries under Laughing Stock, Harbottle, Fordli Capri, Meryl Streep Festival, Bingo Starr, Riu Van Winkle, Phil Redsnapper, Stunned Fish and Bankruptcy).
11 Raised millions of pounds of support (in kind) towards financing the COC - which adds up to: 3,000 promised lies in the Echo and ignoring all dodgy dealings until 2012.Two Million cheese pies and 950,000 sausage rolls from Sayers, 20,000 Busby beanie toys. 400 autographed photos of Maureen Lipman. And Bob Hoskins’ overcoat and scarf from British Telecom. And a dilithium crystal from Enterprise. Well-done Jasper Harbottle on that. By the way did you manage to sell the cow…oh magic beans as well?
12 Got shut of Jasper Harbottle at a bargain price considering how much more the idiot would have got us into hock.
13 Upheld the pledge for a greener Liverpool and protecting our parks by doing everything we can to lay some nice new turf in Stanley Park to allow for a kick-about.
14 Spent nearly £3million in council tax fighting that troublemaker in Edge Lane who wanted a few extra grand for her house to be demolished.
15 Held steadfast against the Nazi war machine and the Luftwaffe during the May Blitz (check date before forwarding, I know I went to some conference about this)
16 Beat them again in 1966 (as above)
17 Three new wheelie bins in Croxteth and an Alleygate on the shower in Misadventure Place (to keep out brunettes, errr, I mean burglars!)
18 Won Eurovision song contest with winner of Song for Liverpool competition…..how does it go again..?
19 Built a shed to prevent birds doing doo-dah on Executive Defectives porsches.
20 Followed through on our pledge to raise the standard of living for the city by making the Chief Executive and Executive Directors the highest paid in the country, whilst overseeing the worst council in the country. It’s what is called a balanced approach. The Ying and the Yang and a touch of the tiddle i po. They can’t touch you for it!
Well ladies and gentlemen, the list could go on into the thousands and you are free to submit your own thoughts on the greatest achievements of the last 10 years.

With My Spin Dryers working away to win back hearts and minds, my next task will be to set about once again restructuring the entire council services.

A slimmed down administration with a new focus on the things that matter to the people.

By the time they see my plans they will all say, “Yes, we should have gone to specsavers.”

By Jove I need to fluff up me tickling stick, the adrenalin is rising, a new beginning, a new Liverpool and me on a Consultants fee!

If I can drag this out long enough I’ll be worth more than the Consultant of Brunei!

I could even reassemble some of the old crew, Granny Shepard, Tiny-tory Byrne, sadly Genghis…can’t make it, nor Attila the Girls but Doc the Marmaliser will be waiting there for me, with open cheques and a tear in his beady eye.

By Jove missus I’m all a quiver, my full restructure plan for officers and members is formulating before my eyes.
Don’t worry Liverpool!
I am returning.

Forget Our Lord Redmond, I am the true Messiah.

The Second Conning!

There will of course have to be some new Senior Executive posts created to make the organisation “fit for payoffs” and along with that will be the necessity for some cuts at other levels.

But once complete, let me reassure the remaining staff on the front line. His Job is safe.

For now…

Tatty bye everybody Tatty Bye!