Showing posts with label Will Alsop. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Will Alsop. Show all posts

Friday, 14 March 2008

The Doings of Sir Diddy - his Top Twenty achievements on behalf of the Glib-Dum silly console

By Jove missus !

Once again the leaders of Grotty Cash have called upon me, Sir Diddy to help them out of their mess.

Cometh the hour, cometh the chequebook!

How could I possibly stand by with Nero Bradlicus fiddling while Rome burns.

And him a fire fighter too!

My first bit of advice to Wally, is from his own handbook: “Get out and stay out!”

Yes by Jove, since that awful woman, Audrey Commission wrote her damning report into the finances and behaviour of the silly console, all they have been able to come up with is a list of alleged achievements to try and counter the bad publicity.

Trouble is nobody believes them any more! So they thought how can we turn this around?

The solution is simple; recruit a really convincing liar, one prepared, as they say in Liverpool, to “swear on me Ma’s gravy.” The Lying Bistos!

So ladies and gentlemen, with the help of me Cuban heels, I am ready to rise to the occasion. Steady missus, Lady Diddy reads this, so no smutty innuendos.

I know you’d all like to see me stripped of my knighthood, but you’d never get passed me money-belt.

The only person who gets to see me in me birthday suit is my accountant who doubles as a proctologist. Well, you need to carry some loose change!

But by Jove, what a mammoth task Wally has left me! Ha ha! A Wally Mammoth! I thought they’d all become extinct? Well, they soon will be!

Just to show the scale of the task ahead, Mac the Marmaliser has sent me an email exchange on the first draft copy of their achievement list printed below.

You can see what I am up against.

Stilton,Hilton
2Cex. E for my shirt
Room 101
Municipality of Mirth

Wally,

As requested here is first draft for list of Glib-Dum achievements.

Achievements

1.
2.

Shall we continue with numbers all the way down the page and will we need some words next to them?

Please advise urgently.

Kind Regards

Stilton
------------------------------------------------
Bradlow, Wally
Leaders Office
Room 999
On the ledge of 5th floor, don’t try to talk me down
Municipality of Mirth

With respect Milton, that’s not what I am saying or what we are about.

You only have to look at our track suit bottoms to see that what we have done has been about getting things done and that’s not just numbers but things that count to the people of Liverpool and I know if I was to ask them what they want, numbers on a page or a list of numbers, they would say numbers and you can count me into that too Roger.

And don’t forget that we saved the Lambanana! Put that at the top please Jason!

Kind Fireguards
Wally
----------------------------------------------

So ladies and gentlemen, here is just a sample of the list of great achievements I have compiled to show people that under my leadership we did achieve great things and under my effluence can do again.

Great Achievements, Great City, Great Salary.

The Doings of Sir Diddy, The “Knight of a New Day” ( my new slogan dreamt up for me by a marvel -ess new company, Harbottle Disassociates)
The Top Twenty List of Achievements

1 Liverpool now has the lowest council tax in Liverpool.

2 Frozen meals for pensioners - most have no teeth in Liverpool so ideal for sucking and energy efficient. Less roughage content also means lower carbon emissions. The old folk love it! Rissole on a stick, Rabbit Sushi, Sardine Vindaloo, and a big spotted dick….who delivers it. (Well, we had to find another role for Storeyteller after his first trip to the Standards Board).
3 Closed down out-dated day care centres - thus helping to reduce traffic congestion, by getting rid of those slow yellow mini buses. I mean these days people don’t want that kind of service in a modern city, all those depressing faces looking out the bus window, puts you off your 12” subway cheesy ciabatta sarnie. So we have assisted in keeping them trapped in their homes, with a regular midnight visit from a fully qualified Asbo community service volunteer.
4 Appointed Bet Lynch herself (Julie Goodyear) as Ambassador for Liverpool.

5 Achieved World Hattiejaques status for the waterfront and the 3 grocers.
6 Sent Alsop packing with a cloud over his head.
7 Reduced street homelessness in Liverpool by obstructing the tramp line to Kirkby as it didn’t include Jack Lemon Airport (even though we asked them to squeeze it in).
8 Established a major international tourist attraction for tramline enthusiasts with the largest collection of new rusting tram tracks in Europe.
9 Created one of the largest and most expensive call centres in the world with the longest recorded message to allow people to consider if they really…really need to speak to anyone. Well worth £170 million.
10 Won CAPITAL OF CUSTARD for the city creating one of the most hilarious chapters in our 800 years of history (see separate entries under Laughing Stock, Harbottle, Fordli Capri, Meryl Streep Festival, Bingo Starr, Riu Van Winkle, Phil Redsnapper, Stunned Fish and Bankruptcy).
11 Raised millions of pounds of support (in kind) towards financing the COC - which adds up to: 3,000 promised lies in the Echo and ignoring all dodgy dealings until 2012.Two Million cheese pies and 950,000 sausage rolls from Sayers, 20,000 Busby beanie toys. 400 autographed photos of Maureen Lipman. And Bob Hoskins’ overcoat and scarf from British Telecom. And a dilithium crystal from Enterprise. Well-done Jasper Harbottle on that. By the way did you manage to sell the cow…oh magic beans as well?
12 Got shut of Jasper Harbottle at a bargain price considering how much more the idiot would have got us into hock.
13 Upheld the pledge for a greener Liverpool and protecting our parks by doing everything we can to lay some nice new turf in Stanley Park to allow for a kick-about.
14 Spent nearly £3million in council tax fighting that troublemaker in Edge Lane who wanted a few extra grand for her house to be demolished.
15 Held steadfast against the Nazi war machine and the Luftwaffe during the May Blitz (check date before forwarding, I know I went to some conference about this)
16 Beat them again in 1966 (as above)
17 Three new wheelie bins in Croxteth and an Alleygate on the shower in Misadventure Place (to keep out brunettes, errr, I mean burglars!)
18 Won Eurovision song contest with winner of Song for Liverpool competition…..how does it go again..?
19 Built a shed to prevent birds doing doo-dah on Executive Defectives porsches.
20 Followed through on our pledge to raise the standard of living for the city by making the Chief Executive and Executive Directors the highest paid in the country, whilst overseeing the worst council in the country. It’s what is called a balanced approach. The Ying and the Yang and a touch of the tiddle i po. They can’t touch you for it!
Well ladies and gentlemen, the list could go on into the thousands and you are free to submit your own thoughts on the greatest achievements of the last 10 years.

With My Spin Dryers working away to win back hearts and minds, my next task will be to set about once again restructuring the entire council services.

A slimmed down administration with a new focus on the things that matter to the people.

By the time they see my plans they will all say, “Yes, we should have gone to specsavers.”

By Jove I need to fluff up me tickling stick, the adrenalin is rising, a new beginning, a new Liverpool and me on a Consultants fee!

If I can drag this out long enough I’ll be worth more than the Consultant of Brunei!

I could even reassemble some of the old crew, Granny Shepard, Tiny-tory Byrne, sadly Genghis…can’t make it, nor Attila the Girls but Doc the Marmaliser will be waiting there for me, with open cheques and a tear in his beady eye.

By Jove missus I’m all a quiver, my full restructure plan for officers and members is formulating before my eyes.
Don’t worry Liverpool!
I am returning.

Forget Our Lord Redmond, I am the true Messiah.

The Second Conning!

There will of course have to be some new Senior Executive posts created to make the organisation “fit for payoffs” and along with that will be the necessity for some cuts at other levels.

But once complete, let me reassure the remaining staff on the front line. His Job is safe.

For now…

Tatty bye everybody Tatty Bye!