BBC (Boiled British Custard) Newsnight Review of 2008, Simon Throttle, Diddy The Moocher and The Last Orders

Newsnight Review Panel

By Jove Missus, I have just watched Friday’s Newsnight Review live from our very own Capital of Custard, and presented by the always delicious, Kirsty Paxman.

He really does look lovely in a frock, totally convincing. You’d never believe it was him. But I have to tell you, I was not happy with the content. The content of the programme I mean, not the frock, well it depends on how far he has gone I suppose…. (edit this bit, note from Mrs C, it’s not Paxman, it’s the woman from the Antiques Show, who was married to David “Barking Hunt” Dickinson, she thinks, unless it’s Gavin Dressler)

You decide!

So anyway, as usual the city was let down by the BBCs choice of interviews with the man in the street, some of whom, even I could tell, were obviously women! In fact some were not in the street at all, they were on a boat! You just can’t trust the BBC anymore. Where do they find these people to interview? One woman said that for her, the highlight of the year was now being able to shop at the new Debenhams! Well I suppose they do have a very good wool counter.

There have been many memorable events that I would have been happy to list for Kirsty, if I could recall them. Where’s me programme? Ah, by Jove yes, there was the erm, Klimt Eastwood Exhibition, Dusty Creamfields, or The Chas and Dave Festival, the squirty spider thing with those French buggers who wouldn’t get up in the morning, the magical mystery Paul Daniels' Anfield Concert, The return of Tall Chips, we had the chance to Design a Lovely Bench for Oldham and the various charity executive marathon runners in the 240k, 340k 500k. They raised a huge amount for their personal charities.

By Jove what athletes they were, being able to run carrying all that weight.

No not you Nadia, good heavens no, it’s pointless you running anywhere again. Well not unless it’s running up a slate at Sayers. Now that’s what I call a Credit Munch! But God bless you madam for doing all you can to keep them in business, even if you are still a toxic bundle.

There is still so much more to come in Custard year before the cancelled closing ceremony which has been labelled The Custav Skint Exhibition, and there will be a big pantomime finale as we bid farewell to the Chuckle Brothers. That’s being organised by the Standards Board so there should be enough money left for the stamp. Yes we will all miss Wally and Dickie Mint, and now their agent may even retire with them. That hasn’t been confirmed as yet, but Mr Harbottle tells me an email has been sent.

But anyway Missus, the Newsnight Review on Grotty Cash spent far too much time on other things. Most of the first half was spent discussing the new cinema version of Birkenhead Revisited and if the actor playing Softbastian was as good he was on the telly. That was all lost on me, I get all these serials confused - Jewel In The Crowd, Massage to India, Up the Elephant and Round the Castle - I suppose it's because Charles “my boomerang wont come back" Dance was in all of them.

I prefer the more genteel sagas I think, like Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Coathanger Abbey and of course Anfield Park. Of course the author, Ethel Austen, was from Liverpool you know, by Jove yes! She did other action stuff for the telly as well. The Persuasions, remember that? Lord Brett Sinclair and Tony Curtains? Marvellous.

They spoke to that Simon Throttle who used to be conductor at the Phil. He annoyed me with that Harry Enfield Scouser wig. A word of advice, just because you are playing in an Oompah band in Berlin now, don’t be coming back here trying to be funny at Liverpool's expense. For one thing, it doesn’t work without the moustache and for your information Mr Throttle, the saying is "Calm Down-Calm Down" not "Ohh Sibelius-Sibelius" Sounded more like Dick Emery.

Anyway what are you doing in Berlin? They’re the buggers who dropped that bomb in my back garden. Ask them about reparations for me will you?

I suppose I should go easy on him, after all he did pay me a huge personal compliment with his musical choice, Wagner’s Buttyjammerung. What a lovely gesture. It certainly made me embarrassed about the gesture I made when he walked on. Really though, he should have picked another ring piece as I think it is still too early for The Twighlight of The Blogs. Although it won’t be too long before Libdemmerung. It is a shame they didn’t use the opportunity to get a dig in at Professor Rednose of Brookside and his ridiculous appointment as Chair of the World Aquarium and Bughouse, by performing Wagner’s The Flying Grossman. The Review panel didn’t know what to make of Throttle night either. Mind you Missus, I felt the same way about the review panel.

I have to say Missus, that Newsnight review is not as good without a comic turn from Tom Paulin. He always had us in stitches, writhing on his chair and wringing his hands and sobbing over the way Trevor Nunn’s latest production at the National had given… Aunt Aggie a submissive role in her relationship with Desperate Dan, losing much of the pathos from the original writing and the intrusive and unnecessary modernity in the replacement of the Cow-pie - a very central masculine metaphor for the desire to consume the mothers womb - with a crate of Stella. Well something like that.

Anyway, on the panel we had Frankie goes to Hollyoaks, front man, Jolly Johnstone and Liverpool actor and star of Vision-on Tony Hart, who seemed to be struggling with three accents and a prop hat. The woman who was on the original Custard awards panel was also on but I can’t remember her name - she looks like Mariella Frostbite. Last of all, some film director who didn’t like the Eric’s and Ernie show at the Everyman saying he hated the songs but then recommended the show, which seemed a bit pointless since it’s a musical! Must have been worried about his fee. But really! Who can’t resist singing along with Bring Me Sunshine? They all seemed to have difficulty with the action for Eric’s and Ernie being set around two old men sitting in deckchairs but nevertheless, said it was still nice to be out.

Frankie said he couldn’t stand the first half of Throttles gig at the Philharmonic and had only gone hoping to see the man pop up with the big organ and then see a film. They all got fed up at the end they said when Throttle kept coming back on stage, milking it, as they were trying to get their coats on and get to the pub for last orders.

Speaking of pubs, Missus, the panel was less than positive about modern Architecture, when they went to see the new Le Cainsboozer Exhibition in the crypt.

Well let me tell you, that The Booze Brothers has been one of the most successful theatrical productions Liverpool has ever seen, even more than Educating Peter. And Michael Caines was in that too! They should do the Booze Brothers for Christmas,

Sir Diddy could return as the Mini-Moocher.

I do love the theatre, settling into your seat as the house lights go down, so long as that Joe Riley doesn’t keep me awake with his snoring. I am very much looking forward to the forthcoming production of King Lear, and very excited about the fact that it will star one of our finest actors in the title role as Larry King, yes missus, none other than the marvellous Pete Postgate. He of course was the man who played Mr Pogle in collaboration with Ivor Wood in the 1960s “Pogles Wood”. I think Judi Dentures was Mrs Pogle and Richard Harris was Plant. (a bit too fond of the Billberry Wine I recall) I hear a rumour that Dame Judi may be re-united with him for the play in the role of daughter, Des D’Oconnor.

Yes we are still awash with events to come and still whitewashing the rest.

For me now I think the wonderful Mr Pete Wylie from The band Yer Wha? has recently made the greatest contribution to 2008 which is probably far more representative of the views of Liverpool people and captures the culture and spirit of the city. I am talking of course about his engaging new song, “The Day that Margaret Thatcher dies”

Now some people have used the words cruel and distasteful, well they are absolutely right. She was! Let’s hope it gets to number one for Christmas. Mind you missus, if there is an afterlife, just imagine the look on Denis’ face when he sees her heading towards him….through the flames.

So Custard lovers, don’t ever let anybody tell you that Grotty cash won’t remain a Capital for Custard long after 2008. There is a popular phrase that has been used many times to describe this year. People have usually associated it with Mr Ricky Tomlinson, but I can now confirm that following my own academic research, studying and translating ancient Greek texts that the phrase was actually coined by the lady who modelled for great artist Michaelangelo, whilst working on the Venus De Milo -

“ Sculpture? My arms!”

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

(Be Nice to each other)

THE SOUND OF LIVERPOOL A special day for all our musical legends! From The Great Frankie Vaughan to Eleanor Rigsby and Rexy Music,

By Jove Missus, I couldn’t leave that picture of the Fireman up for too long, far too depressing. So I thought a new entry in my Official Guide to Capital Of Custard was called for.

Today I am going to talk about the Musical City that is Liverpool. Yes, it’s not just Jam that we mine here; anyway they were a London band I think. No this is about the homegrown stars of Grotty Cash who have lead the world of popular music. And I’m doing this for Capital of Custard because personally I can’t stand them. No, give me Joe Loss or Tommy Dorsey anytime.


Mind you Missus, this day to celebrate the Fab Five is causing some controversy. I mean for goodness sake (I bet you thought I was going to say Hippy Hippy Shake next) a Beatles day! I thought we were building the future for the city besides; there are only Mick and Titch left. Of course after Titch’s comments following the opening night for Capital of Custard, there is still some resentment, but cutting his head off was going too far in my book. Going on and on about the Beatles after all this time is very tiresome.

I mean it was 1957 when they last performed together. Although who can forget them singing ‘Zone-Ticket to Ride’ on the roof of that tram, and Get Back, Get Back inside, the conductor shouted all the way through, you can hear it on the album.

Well it’s health and safety, you know. It’s like now if you ask the bus driver “can I jump off here”? And he says “No yer f-ing can't you wanna get me sacked”?

And I’ll tell you something else; I don’t care if this Beatles day is for charity, because if that Chiz Cole has something to do with it, I wouldn’t give him a free parking space. I think he’s cost me quite enough already with his Summer Pops Concerts. It may be Chiz Cole promotions but judging by how much it costs, it’s Nutty Slack finances.

Yes give the Beatles a rest it was too long ago. It’s like going on about winning the World Cup in 1945. Seriously, you ask the young people today to name a Beatles song the response is “Gorra spare ciggie mate”? Which I think was one by the Rolling Stoned. And if you tell them no, they say “ F-off Ya fat tw*t” which is probably something by the Sex Pistols. No idea!

Even the Beatles albums and massive hits like, Sgt Bilko’s, Childwall Abbey Road, Strawberry Tarts and Cleo Lane or Lily the Pink. Never heard of them. Amazing but true. Well how many of you can name an Al Bowley hit? And anyway, there are lots of other great Liverpool musical artists who equally deserve their own day.

How about a Michael Holliday….day …I mean a day to celebrate…alright maybe that would be too confusing; Mind you the Yanks have Doris Day.

What about Frankie Vaughan? Frank was a great star in his day and also a very nice man. He had that famous song that became an anthem for anyone who owed rent and had the bailiffs coming round, “Doing a Moonlight” At least we have a well deserved statue of Billy Fury but if we want to show off the music and Culture of the city let’s have one of Frankie too. It would look marvellous doing one of his famous high kicks, especially if placed behind one of those Lambananas. Just don’t let that Tommy Steele do it, for god’s sake. Dumping his rubbish in the middle of the night! There’s a law against fly tipping mate! That statue he did of Leonard Rossiter as Rigby; looks nothing like him. It’s more like Miss Jones on Diazepam.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-meN57FjIRw The great Frankie

But yes, I would certainly wear a straw hat and carry a cane for Frankie Vaughan day.
We are almost there already with so many people around town wearing a baseball hat and carrying a can of Caines.

By Jove, there are lots of local stars we could celebrate with a special day. There is Sonia Day, which could come after Saturday. We could all drink whiskey on a Sonia Day. Didn’t Norman Lamont try to start this some time ago with Cilla Black Wednesday or something? I know he lost a fortune on it. It was something to do with her joining the Eurhythmics and the ELO and there was a fall out? It was the same day that the late Sonny Bono broke his leg. There had been a major fall in Chers.

You know it’s a shame the Happy Mondays are from Manchester, that would have saved a few quid in print costs and we could have had that dancing chap, what’s his name? He used to clean up for them, Bex Bissell or something. You know him, he’s married to Sylvester Stallone's mother, there was a flies on the wall documentary about them, all living together in Germaine Greer’s house with her husband who does the racing and is a raging coke addict. "I want my coke", he was screaming, terrible. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4keJdGJAYM Mrs Bex Bissel.

But anyway we could have all danced like Bex for the whole day. Fun and fitness combined. You see I have got my thinking cap on. A bit more of an effort than a mop top and at least maintaining a bit of dignity.

I think Gerry Marsden gets enough play with his Bryan Ferry Roxy Mersey and the one they sing at the football, “I’m forever blowing bubbles” or something. Now before you start, I think Gerry is wonderful, in fact I never missed him on the Sooty Show with Matthew Corbett. By the way, I hear Sweep was arrested when he took out his water pistol at the bank recently.

Well he’s been hitting the bottle you know, he is very upset since Matthew sold him along with Sooty and Soo. What a swine that Matthew was. He wouldn’t let Harry Corbett near Sooty you know after he took over. Said it would confuse the children. They were probably confused enough turning the sound up on the telly every time Sooty spoke. Poor Harry, I remember him being humiliated on Wogan when Matthew wouldn’t let him have a go. He had to make do with Terry’s wig and pretend a steamroller had squashed Soo. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PK7_Ueh9X0 sweep sings

Sorry, back to the main point. There are so many great musical stars from Liverpool even if we can’t have a special day for each one, we need to get them all in before Capital of Custard year is over.

There was the Four Seasons, their lead singer Vivian works in a supermarket now and is always happy to sign autographs. So if you ever want to meet The Four Seasons, Viv, Aldi is where you can catch her. The more I think about it, the more spring to mind.

The Netherley Brothers, T-Rex Makin, he did that novelty song “Hole in the ground” and “Boy Named Sue” and “ How could you believe me when you know I’ve been a lawyer all my life”.

We had Roger Hunt with his Mexican Whistle for half time and I’m gonna play Old Durham Town FC (Roger in action) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3AJHXQJCQ1k and on a similar theme of course Bill Shankly and the Comets with Rock Around the Kop.

There was also that other chap who sang “Cream” and “Kiss”, his real name was Alfred Rode but he changed it to Prince. Actually when the police caught up with him for selling pirate CDs and knock-off videos around the boozers in Old Swan, they referred to him as, The Con Artist formerly known by his fingerprints.

I am not sure what we could do for Pete Wryly, apart from a house clearance.
Have you seen his gaff?

And one best avoided I think would be a Pete Burns Day! We couldn’t all go around the city pouting and telling everyone to F**k off. It would just be like a normal day, nobody would notice the difference. Maybe we could do it if it was just confined to the time he had his big hit “ I’m having one of my turns” was it? Or “ I’m so Dizzy”. I have to say when he had his band Bread or Aloaf (did they do Vienna?) and he used to hang out in Pube Records, or walk through town wearing only a thong, you had to admire his cheek. Well Mrs Chucklebutty did, he’s probably still got the teeth marks.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ck-Uo52MOg (Pete in hayday)

Now who’s the other fellow, the one Wally Bradlow had wanted to ban from the Arena and then had to hide in the toilets when they were on, The Farmers, you know him, MacDonald or MacCropspray or something, they could get us all together for a day if they could just work out when best suits.

I tell you this though ladies and gentlemen, if I had my way, and I don’t care that she’s not from Liverpool, because this would be a truly uniting national event, my choice would be to have an Anita Harris Day. Here she is with our very own Citytalk host and columnist Pete Murray. I would happily draw a little mole over me lip and don a leotard for that. By Jove yes! And I’ve still got the legs for it Missus, I’ve still got the legs!

Anita

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBpCNcbnwjU

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!