Thursday, 31 January 2008


By Jove!

Some comments from a fan and the Notorious Blare on this so called Blog!
Thank you gentlemen or ladies as the case may be.

I fear though, I can take no credit...although I will take cash....for the appearance of this blog.

My humble role is merely a scribe with quill, ink and carrier pidgeon, offering guidance and insight to the good people of Mirthyside, whilst putting the record straight on my charity work, which as you know begins at home.

I had to challenge the wicked accusations of bedivilment and discomknockeration levelled against me and my former Diddymen, by the original Terry Polish, who began this blog followed by 47 others claiming to have the same name.

They can't fool me, that's why they use that picture of Dirk Douglas. It's the old "No, I'm Snagglepuss!" line.
When all 47 of them suddenly disappeared, suffering from suckertash, Terry's Polishers with their more colourful use of language (mainly blue missus, although they have toned it down, no pun unintended) resurrected this damn thing again.

Now they have provided me with this specific tab, not in support of my wisdom and advice but, I fear, to mock me and make it appear as if my articles and contributions are a joke.

Look at the photographs they use!

Me hair all over the place like Cherie Booth!

Either that or they put up some picture of a constipated hamster that somebody has put a pair of specs on.

Never mind the Standards Board, I am going to the RSPCA!

No mention in the profile of my first class honours degree in speed sausage knotting or that I am a qualified balloonist, yes I can make a poodle in six seconds!

But nevertheless I will continue to fight them and make sure the good people of this fine metrollopus are able to see the other side of the coin, while they still have any coins left.

Oh too late!

I thank you for your support in advance of any decision I may make to stand for Elected Mayor. However, Foghorn Leggarty would no doubt launch a smear campaign which could tarnish the fine reputation I have built up for the city and risk further damage to my legacy.

Now living in Mirth of Tydfill over a disused mineshaft where I keep me valuables, I am probably no longer eligible to stand.

However if the money is right or if there is any left, I could be tempted!

If you want a Mayor for Liverpool, then there are really only two candidates that the public would go for.

The loved and much missed, Fatty Marbrow with his old sidekick Frank Pirrelli dump Dorman as his Mayoress.

A potential Dream Ticket there, depends what you eat before bed. In Marbrow's case everything!

Failing that for Mayor and Mayoress, Peacemaker and now Mersey ferry captain, Jolly Marsden and Sonia.

Both fine, decent, honest and genuine down to earth people......I suppose that rules them out then?

Hang on I have Jeffrey Archer's number here somewhere...I'll get back to you.

Tatty bye Everybody Tattybye

Thursday, 24 January 2008


By Jove, Missus!

Have you seen the headlines following my guest appearance on the Wicked FM Welsh radio show, 'Friday night with Jones the Rrhos'?

“Fury over Sir Diddy Comments on Rrhos The Interview”

When asked by Rrhos what Diddy missed most about Liverpool, he laughed.

Somewhat taken aback Rrhos said: "I waaaasn’t expecting laughter boyo, is there anything you miss about Liverpool?

“Err, the money” replied Sir Diddy……..

Many people are now saying that Sir Diddy’s return to Liverpool for the opening event was a cynical manoeuvre to remind people of how bloody awful it could have been.

Leader of the City Inconsolable, Wally Bradlow said: "It is sad that Diddy chose not to make up a load of sentimental toss about the city.

"We welcomed him to the event with an open expenses account.

"There’s a lot going on he could have talked about….all the grotty things that we have been busy covering up.

"The Shakespeare company is doing one of his finest comedies, rewritten for Liverpool, 'Two Gentlemen on Perroni'

"We certainly won't be inviting him to this year's Mathew Street Festival…is it on?

"Having spent some time with Diddy, his comments disappointed me and I really thought he was bigger than that."
Comments from local people included:"String him up!"
"Punch him on the chin, if you can find it."
"I think Pete Bounds - the one they got rid of - would have been better."
"He is just too used to the Hollyhead lifestyle."
"He was just here to promote his crap CD 'Liverpool H8 Figure'"
"What a heel!"
By Jove, ladies and gentlemen, having left Liverpool still feeling full of plumtiousness and other free booze at the Malmaison, I wake up next day to find - according to a city opinion poll - I am public enemy Number One, overtaking Hitler, Tarby, Spring Heeled MacIllhinney, Boss Hogg, from the Dukes of Hazard and Beryl Barmpot.

I’ll bet half of the people making these comments didn’t even see my interview!

So missus, to allow you to make up your own mind, I offer the full edited and fiddled about with transcript of my interview, to allow the good and fuuurrrrr…..fuuurrr, we say in Liverpool, fuurrr minded people to decide for themselves.

Here it is.
Rrhos: "The house band, ladies and gentlemen, Four Executive Diwectors and a Fiasco!
Now, shall we bwing the next guest on?

(Audience screaming no and running for exits)

Rrhos: "Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, thank god, Sir Diddy Upstart!"

Diddy: "By Jove, they all love me. Love and peace missus. By Jove yes, you look like you’d love a piece.
"Can I say how tickled I was to be in Liverpool last weekend for the City of Custard.
"Where’s me CD? Show em me CD!
"Yes, I was tickled 35,000 times…in cash! What a wonderful weekend.... Hartlepool is great!"

Rrhos: "Now I see you’re still giving it the fingers, wubbing your thumb acwoss them."

Diddy: "Well yes, I’m still trying to spread love of cash. Love of cash everyone!"

Rrhos: "So the only thing you miss is the money?"

Diddy: Well the crowd was excited, so I had to say I was this close to coming back for some more.
"But the Custard Company has spent it and all the budget for the next few years.
"Don’t get me wrong, Liverpool is great, I grew rich there. I have accounts there. But you know. you can only get away with so much before you laugh so hard all the way to the bank that you rupture your clack."

Rrhos: "Now you have had another caweer and been in a few films."

Diddy: "Yes I was great. I played a Robbing Australian Archer alongside Marlon Bradley.
"We were friends for two weeks and then nothing. But he used to come into breakfast meetings with me and start counting the spoons and I’d say 'look, he’s counting the spoons'. Marvellous!"
Rrhos: "I was looking at one of your other movies recently - not the one pwoduced by council staff when you were Chuckle Executive, “Help” - but the more wecent one Health!
"And the humour in that still shines thwough. A fat little gnome lecturing about health and fluffing his lines is still hilarwious.
"Lets’s face it you were cwap. Still available on Youtube. In fact I am gonna make the kids watch it if they don’t go to bed.
"Now we found this photo of you outside a bank in Liverpool, so who are these guys?"

Diddy: "Oh by Jove, that’s Rory Storey and the Shenanigans!
"And you see him, on the end, he was the Jimmy Kendricks of his day!
"And that’s Macca, the dog!
"You know whenever we went away, in those days, we had to take a blonde. I wonder where she is now."

Rrhos: "But you are wearwing big pink money belts. I imagine it must have taken some bottle in Livepool with all the cuts in services to wear that?"

Diddy: "Those moneybelts were useful. When they tried to corner us, we said. 'hey we got moneybelts' and they just handed me another £380,000!"

Rrhos: "So let’s talk about your new CD Liverpool H8.
"Now not only is this on CD, but it is, look at this, available on ligature, I haven’t seen this before!"
Diddy: "Yes, a friend of mine, Chas Creole produces these from his modest offices in Freepark.
"You can wear it around your neck and strangle yourself to death listening to my lectures."

Rrhos: "Diddy, it’s been wonderful to have you here! Give me your bank account number and keep spweading love of cash.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Sir Diddy!"
(Audience hisses)
End of Interview.
Rrhos: "So, Sir Wichard of Attenborwough, were you ever tempted to shag an Iguana?"
(Cut transcript)

So there you have it missus. I was great!
Lovable, full of plumptiousness and really selling the City of Custard.
Of course, now in Liverpool they are going to have to sell everything to pay for it.
So pop down to the Oh H8 place and show your support by purchasing one of the 08 commemorative products produced by the Royal Dickie Mint “Tears for Souvenirs.”
They are going at cost price - only £1.00 each - and we have at least 26 million of them to shift.
Unfortunately Liverpool Direct is charging the council £2.20 to sell them.
Different budget lines, different lines. It’s all legal.
Ha ha!
By Jove, my Diddymen learned well from the Squire of Grotty Cash and my diddy love child Doc the MacIllMarmaliser.
We get by with a little help from our friends.
Tatty Bye everybody, Tatty Bye!

Wednesday, 23 January 2008


By Jove!

My new video has even knocked Pamela Sanderson and Colin...I mean Paris Hilton, off the top of the charts for the highest number of web hits in the Hot and erotic category.

I am sure i heard one of the critics the other day saying that I may be one of the biggest hits of all time. (I think that's what he said)

Yes missus, it really is me on the silver screen, not a Hammy Hamster stunt double.

No it's not Johnny Morris doing Tales of the River Bank any way I preferred Tales of the Nat West, HSBC Lloyds, Barclays or any other bank.

Yes me missus.

Me Sir Diddy.

One-Take Diddy they call me now. And then take a bit more. And then take a lot more!

Ha ha!

Anytime now the diddyphone may ring with the call from Hollywood! A star is born!

A dwarf star. All the biggest stars were diddy you know missus! Yes, by jove!
None of the big Hollywood names were over four foot ten.

Audit Murphy.

Cash n Cary Grant.

Edward G. Robbin-sod.
Walter Pension.

All diddy and standing on a box to kiss the leading lady....unless it was Lassie.

Even today's stars are all diddy...the wee scientology collective, like Tim Cruise...I could take over his role for the next instalment of "Mission Insufferable IV"

Yes, your mission Sir Diddy, should you choose to accept it is to steal the plans for an Atomic Tickling Stick!

By Jove, I could be the dare you madam! No not Fatty Arbuckle... I was thinking of James Bond.

Yes 007!

I'll do anything if it has lots of 000s involved...

I already refer to the wife as Moneypenny, during those private romantic moments when I am whispering bank statements into her ear.

"So Blofeld, you expect me to do a good job?"

"No, Mr Diddybond, I expect you to make a complete balls-up and run off with a bucket of cash"
(Goldsphincter) Who would have thought that the NHS would be my launch pad to stardom.
So all those Big Brother auditions were a waste of time and when I finally did get on, the camera crew voted me out before the public got to see me!

But this is all for the future missus, have you watched my video on health yet?

The proper one I mean not the fakes put out by these blog types.

That naked fat lady being sick in a bucket is not me!

It wasn't easy you know, by jove!

Three days in make-up before the camera lens stopped cracking.
They even brought in a personal trainer but i refused to go on set unless they brought the other one...and the laces.

The Director said I had to lose a few pounds and I almost had a heart attack, but it was weight he meant...
By Jove, I had a cold sweat.

I'm not overweight I said....its the money sewn into the lining of my stomach. We are not bringing back Cinerama just for you fatty, he said. What? I said.

How dare you, I'll have you know I do a regular work-out.

Every morning I work out the overnight interest on my bank account. Believe me that gets my heart rate going. Then they sent in a make-over lady...She looked me up and down and then smacked me in the face with a big shovel. That's the best i can do she said.

I must have been concussed as all i could hear for a few minutes was loud applause and cheering.

But really ladies and gentlemen download diddy right now.
The message i give to the north west is clear.

If you want to end up...... a fat bloated wheezing buffoon who can't read a sentence off a cue-card...oh sorry i was looking at the wrong piece of paper idea what that mixed up with the fan mail...(thanks Doc x)

No you have got to keep fit and have a healthy diet. All you working class wheezers with your fags and carry-outs, for goodness sake i plead with you, turn your back on the chippy and MacDonalds, go to a proper Michellin star restaurant and get a good bottle wine with a proper Appellation Controlle.. .Thunderbirds are No! (that was my own joke)

Oh by Jove, the phone is ringing....Hollywood...hello yes....this is Sir Diddy.... yes i have seen Bugs life....yes i know Antz....yes I agree, computer animation has had it's day... live action...similar theme you say......the lead role?.. yes i'm available...say the title again?....Parasites....!!!??

Wrong number!

Tatty bye Everybody....parasites??...Tatty-bye

Sunday, 20 January 2008


By Jove! It's me Sir Diddy, here to celebrate with you.
Today, to mark this historic occasion, instead of my usual frivolity, I offer you a serious address.
No, not me house in Aigburth - “Stillgrabbin” - I’ve flogged that, although it still hurts that I couldn’t get at that 50 pence piece that fell behind the old boiler.
Well, Lady Diddy is hard to shift after a hard day at the factory knotting sausages.
Here Ladies and Cheltenham, on what should have been a special day for me, had I not been forced to retire on wealth grounds, is my speech to open the Capital of Custard, 2008.
They wouldn’t let me make it on the night, even though it was though my glorious leadership that we won it.

Instead, the crowd got a few ramblings from the Anaemic Mermaid herself, Phyllis Redmond, the man who turned the custard company around, so they couldn’t see that he’d done nothing for five years.
“We did it,” he proclaimed!
Through a mouth that looks like somebody sat on a pasty.
“It’s like a scouse wedding!” So you’re all condemned to years of fighting and misery trying to pay for it.
What an inspiration!
Had I still been at the helm this is what you would have got at the Sir Diddy Arena (as it should have been called)
By Jove Missus, We did it!!!! It’s been like a scouse wedding here…..('hang on cut that bit' - Lady Diddy)
Yes, by Jove, Capital of Custard 2008.
Can you all see me at the back? What do you mean you can’t see me at the front? Can somebody get me a bigger box?
Welcome to Liverpool, the year in which Liverpool itself is the show!
After five years of the Custard Company using every opportunity to make a show of us, it has arrived at last. Here we are in a giant shed in the docks.
Yes I know many of you have wanted to see me in the dock for a long time.
Did you all go on Friday?
What a spectacle it was on the steps of St David’s Hall. It left the crowd wanting more, you could here thousands of voices winding back down Lime Street saying over and over again “Is Da F**kin it?”
Nearly three million quid spent on that box of Bengo matches and the three rockets trading standards confiscated in November. Thirty-five minutes of quality entertainment and Pete Price.
Unfortunately the planned opening choral piece from the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble, singing my very own theme song, “Pick a pocket or two” had to be postponed when they were all arrested during rehearsals.
I have enlisted the help of renowned Liverpool lawyer and pothole expert, my old sparing partner, Sir Rex of the Hesperus to get the choir released. As you know, I will do anything for a tenor.
Did all enjoy the aerial artistes? That was a mistake you know.
Young Clara MeCogloose was showing Jasper Hottlebottle a sketched out proposal to have a Toxteth Riots sequence on the steps outside the hall, the custard company’s idea of how to engage communities, and Hottlebottle said could you do it with Adobe Acrobat.
So MeCogloose, who is a bit daft in one ear, promptly rushed off looking for some dozy acrobats. Well ladies and gentlemen the idea of the aerial acrobats clearly captured the imagination of the people of the city.
I was touched by the hundreds of requests by people asking to see me suspended from a rope as the main feature for the grand opening.
Unfortunately I suffer from Vertigo with Sagittarius, the Robbing Archer on the cusp. That’s why I can only go to grade 6 Cuban heels. Yes missus, otherwise I get Diddy Spells!We have a spectacular show for you tonight!
Those of you who know me know that I am a great supporter of our wonderful Liverpool Phil. No not pasty face Redmond! The Philharmonic!
I understand that Arriva have given one of their finest conductors the night off to be here with us.
What’s his name again? Petroleum Jellyco..who? Vascular….Verysilly….Potato? I can’t read this… thought you had spell checked! Is it Raphael Benetton ? What happened to the other fella…Simon Throttle?
Anyway, they’ll be knocking out a few numbers later, including, from the Lib-Dem Book of Patriotic Songs, Land of Hopeless Storey and Rule Blog Ban Ya, along with old favourites, The Plight of the Bumbler Bradley and Amazing Gross Misconduct.
Later for the kids and the Leader, we have some cartoons. The Bugs Bunny Men, Pete Wylie Coyote, Sonia the Hedgehog, MacElhinney the Pooh (that’s a euphemism) The Wombats of Wimbledon, Foghorn Leggarty with his Rooster for Mayor campaign and of course the one and only Pingu Starr from The Arctic Monkees. He’ll be performing in his new singlet again plus the classic hit, “What would you do if I once sang in tune”
Pingu will be signing copies of his new release at the Arena later this evening and all next week in the Pound Shop on Breck Road. I hear Frankies Gone to Holly Oaks so they wont be here.And despite attempts by a local politician to prevent Farm products being brought in to the Arena, following his experiences of foot in mouth, it has been agreed he will hide in the Ladies when they come on stage to perform their renowned anthrax, er anthem, “All the money’s gone”
There’s more, Ladies and gentlemen, by Jove an authentic voice of Liverpool youth, it says here, then he must have accidentally slipped by the Custard Company to be on stage here tonight, unless he’s the son of one of them, RudeVanWinkle will be performing his rap tribute to Liverpool 08…. here’s a short taster. Riuven is it?
“Liverpool, it’s 08
you gonna pay for it mate
cos the guys with the purse
been nothin’ but a curse
now it’s here
and the beer
is sellin’ at a rate
that I cant afford a drink,
what I got to celebrate?
You had five years bro,
to plan and you fail
Wasting money you aint got,
you should be in Walton gaol
What you’ve done to the people,
will be done to you I hope
When you’re in the prison shower,
bendin’ down for da soap”
By Jove, Missus, cover the vicars ears, that brings tears to your eyes!
A very Rude Van Winkle.
Finally to say to you all, whatever this bunch of rogues and halfwits supposed to have been leading this have or have not done over the last five years, the hard working staff and ordinary decent Liverpool people involved at the front line of all this have been doing their best to make it a meaningful year beyond the earnings and egos of the incompetent bunch of self serving, self important, careerist money grabbing opportunists trying to claim the credit….well imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so thank you.
Many, if not most, of the events and highlights would have happened anyway but at least this year you might pop along to them and even enjoy them.
If you can get something out of it wonderful, personally, I can’t. all the big money has gone so I’m off back to my new adopted home away from Grotty Cash and back to Mirth of Tydfil in Wales.
Liverpool I left you and I always let you down.
So c’mon Liverpool, get down with D.Diddy and let’s party….sorry special free invitation only to Malmaisson.
No Scousers.
Yakkie Da Everybody Yakkie Da!