Bangkok Lady Boys, Cheap Sausage Rolls and Pay-offs, as Mrs Chucklebutty speaks out and takes on Dr Tim Leuni -Tune and Ringo Out-of-Tune.

That's me, at our Engagement, taken a few years ago now mind, but better than that picture he always puts up of me renewing our wedding vows.

Hello, Mrs Chucklebutty here, stepping into his breeches. So, I’ve finally got me hands on the keys to his shed. This is where he spends half the night writing this rubbish. Ooh it stinks in here. He’s asked me to do a few entries until he’s released from the nick. I’ve just read the last piece, after Mr Clack showed me how to turn this thing on. Had a quick look at his last searches to give us a clue what he wanted to write about and found something advertising The Bangkok Lady boys Show, no wonder it’s called Liverpool Confidential, wait ‘til I get me hands on him!

What are they on about here? Trying to make out he’s some kind of dissident. None payment of fines, that’s why he was arrested!

'

Telly licence, three counts of drunk and disorderly and fighting over some reduced vests in Ethel Austin’s. To cap it all, he was caught having a piddle in one of those council kiosks that nobody uses - well apart from him. Said he thought it was one of those super-loos. Well somebody is taking the p*** installing them on the street. Anyway, he got the Custard Company to put a spin on his arrest. The usual cover-up.

The truth is, they are going to pay him off, but as there’s no money left, since Hasitall grabbed the last £500,000, he’s decided to take the Sayers 08 Sponsorship Sausage Rolls. He had a big fight over that as well, said he wanted so many a week, not 960,000 all in one go or he’d never shift them - they’d go off.

Well it’s too late now; they delivered them today while he’s still banged up. Can’t get in the bleedin’ house for them! We are doing our best to get rid of them, Mr Clack had six for his tea and as soon as it got dark we threw about twenty thousand over the wall into Mrs Hewitt’s garden. She must have heard us when a few hit the window and she came out screaming for the police, so we ran in. She’s still shouting through our letterbox now.

Anyway, sod whatever he was going to write, it’s about time this Blog had the feminine touch. And you can take that smirk off your face Mr Clack.

Right so what’s been happening? Oh yes, there was the Echo exclusive, “Merseyside woman gives birth to 1.6million pound triplets” I’ll bet that made her eyes water. The Echo had a picture of them. Greedy looking little buggers. Not the most attractive babies I’ve seen, a slimy one, a dopey one and a fat little diddy one. Seems they were such fat little sods, it has taken nearly three years to weigh them up. Isn’t this the same woman who had a daughter a few years ago who tipped the scales at about 380,000 pounds? Who pays for this IMF fertiliser programme?

It must have hurt though. Our Sebastian was only 9 pounds when I had him and I screamed so loud all the windows shattered along Oxford Street. Mind you it didn’t help that soft lad handed me the nozzle off the Goblin Hoover, instead of the gas and air. Me tongue was trapped down the tube for over half an hour. The pillock! Then he switched it on reverse and covered the baby in dust and fag ends.

Of course that wouldn’t happen now, these days you can’t smoke during labour or even in the maternity ward. Bloody Nanny state. I’ll bet Cherry Booth was all right for a few woodbines when she had her last one.

I heard she’s on 60 a day. Can fit them all in at once. She’s a right one her, fancy havin’ it off in the next room to the Queen - the dirty gets - Arise Sir Tony eh? Ooh, it knocks me sick to think about it. Didn’t somebody say that Phillip was watching through the eyes of one of the portraits?


I’ve lost me thread now.

Sorry I just had to punch Mr Clack in the head. I told him to pack it in, he was getting a bit frisky - pressing his skinny leg against me while I’m typing - thinks he’s in with a chance while soft lad is inside. Oh stop blubbering man! Hold your head back it’ll soon stop bleeding, it’s not pouring. Don’t drip it on the cat, if Ken tastes blood he’ll have yer, he’s feral.

What else? Well that Bingo Starr was in the papers again, moaning on his website telling fans to stop writing to him. The bleedin’ idiot.

Nobody is writing to ya love, it’s your P.A. sending them, she’s worried about you going back on the booze and pills if you find out nobody is interested.

She’s worried that she’d be out of a job. What a tosser. And I say that with love and peas. I used to like him as well, but now I hear he’s just like one of these Pop Primate Donners or an Opera Diver whatever you call them, has to be pampered and preened all the time.

I heard that while he was at the train station in South Liverpool, he had somebody rush up to trim his bush for him. Oooh, imagine, as Lennon would have said. A right little Octopus’s Garden that must be, I’ll bet it smells like it as well, shrivelled old tentacles and a blue meanie. I’m saying this with love and peace you know?

Mr Clack says to turn it in, and that I’m disgusting. He’s a fine one to talk, him, with his collection of rusty old chastity belts. I’ve seen him, prancing about to “Hey Nonny No” on the gramophone wearing one with that bodice and wig. He forgot to pull the curtains properly one night; half the street was out watching.

All the school kids were singing it outside his shop for weeks. Oh all right yes, I’ll delete this bit.

Liverpool Direct is up for another award for customer contricks. The CCA, cash and carry awards, I think. Create an industry of call centres everybody hates and set up a body with hundreds of members so all the Directors can come to the freebie dinners and give yourself loads of annual awards.

Have you seen how much that lot cost us? And that’s just what we know about. About five times the budget deficit! For that money, every house in Liverpool could have a council officer sitting next to you on the couch for three hours a day. They could sell all the buildings then, oh they already have. That’d be great for the pensioners; they could do a bit of tidying up and make the tea as well. There you go Mr Stilton, you can bin those robbers off, once and for all. Send Dr Mucky Penny to a crack house in Croxteth.

I tried to get into the Cathedral the other night to see that little Boffin, Dr Tim Leunie.

They always call them Boffins in the paper when they don’t like what they’re saying or inventing something that stops your veg drying up or your plums shrivelling, you know, like where they put your strawberries on a radiator or something to keep them fresh for longer. You know the bloke I mean, the one who said we should all leave Liverpool and get a job with Burger King in Hackney, if we wanted to live as well as those in the south.

Dr Tim Leunig

Anyway I got there a bit late and they wouldn’t open the doors for me so I started kicking hell out of them. I was shouting through the letterbox calling them all the effing b’s going and to open the friggin doors or I’ll put the windows through. I did in the end.

Bloody cheek, trying to keep me out of the debate, I am not having some little sod giving us a bad name. Ay, it’s my city too ya know, I shouted, gerrout here now yer little squirt! Then this Nun came out and said it was at the other Cathedral.

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She wanted me name and address to pay for the damage to the window and door. I told her my name was Olivia Cromwell, but she got all shirty and tried to grab me, so I turned her wimple backwards, spun her round and did a runner down Hope Street.

I was too late to see our learned muffin by the time I got there. I probably didn’t miss much. Is he the same Dr Timothy Learrig who was around in the 60s, the one who said “Turn-On, Tune-In, Drop-Off” or is that the slogan for CitytalkFM?

Thing is, when you read what he said, he’s not too far off the mark. Even the Echo is pissing off to Oldham. I didn’t know that Oldham was in the south. And how come they are going south, if what I heard is right, that they are letting all the printer’s jobs go west?


Ay! I’ll tell you where I went the other night, the new Oldham Arena in the docks.

I couldn’t believe my luck. I got tickets to see Alma Coogan, you know “Dreamboat” oh she was one of my favourites. I loved her as Alma Partridge in The Partridge Family.

What a disappointment though, I had me bobby socks on and everything and she didn’t do any of her hits, just stood there and told smutty jokes all night.

I hope the gig in Birkenhead is better next week. They’ve got Frank Ifield on; he’s an MP now you know. I expect that’s why he’s not done many records for a while. Give me half an hour with him and I’d have him yodelling again.

Here's Frank demonstrating the perils of having the bath water too hot.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rqORTeW01m0

There are a few former stars that have become MPs. Glenda Jackson; she was wonderful as Mr Hudson in Upstairs Downstairs. The Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith, she's another one, wasn’t she Holly in Red Dwarf, after Norman Lamont left?

And of course the Tory leader David Camembert, he used to be Tuppy Glossop in Jeeves and Wooster or was he Barmy Fungi Phipps.

Oh it’s six o’clock, nearly visiting time. I don’t know if Mr Clack is coming to the prison, they had a bit of a fall out. Old Clacky being a locksmith and key cutter was explaining quietly to Yaff how flimsy the locks were in the prison and he could open them all in less than a minute with a couple of bent wires.

.

Old Professor Birdbrain of Alcatraz, was all geared up for the great escape. The next thing he knows, is there’s Clack changing all the locks for the Governor. He’d gone and got himself the contract.

It is depressing in there and he’s starting to look gaunt. Although that may be because of his 28st cellmate Muriel, who keeps pinching his dinner and sitting on Yaffle's head for a laugh while he eats it. Mureil made Yaf shave his legs and his back for him as well. I don’t know what that was about. Oh that reminds me, Bangkok Lady boys. I could have those tickets.

He’ll probably be out next week; he’s had Sir Rexy on the case. Rex has applied for a writ of Harry H. Corpus, well we think he has. There is a rumour going round that he has been offered a stint to take over the Custard Blog as guest writer for a week.

Now that could be a problem, he could let Jasper Harbottle on, apparently he thinks he’s great. Mind you that was in comparison to old Pricerite.

Speaking of which, I better go and do me hair, what’s left of it, I’ve got the lovely Peter Price coming round later for a Cherry B and Sherbet Lemon supper. I wonder if he still has that fur coat?

I’ve hardly mentioned Capital of Custard. Oh who cares, it’s nearly all finished now apart from the karaoke in January. Then again, they say it’s not over until the bag lady sings, so maybe Redmond will give us a number on the closing night. He could do that Fred Astaire one, “Let’s call the whole thing off” But they are still pretending that they haven’t.

How does it go? You say a cock-up and I say a cock-up, you say a pay-off and I say a pay-off.

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The Legacy Waltz.

Right now what? Do you press send or what? Mr Clack, you’ll have to do this bit.

Yes I’ve deleted the stuff about your Chastity Belt fetish….alright, hobby, collection - whatever.

Prof Chucklebutty on Phil Rednose, MeCogloose, ....Justin Rattlesnake, the Nowhere Man and....It's Been a Hard Days Knight for Sir Diddy!

By Jude Missus,
I mean By Jove, you’ve guessed it, Sir Diddy to the Rescue!
Once again my expertise has been called upon, because I am of course an expert on most things known to man and several things kept quiet from the wife.
Yes, they need me to get the McCartney concert at Anfield back on track before Grotty Cash faces yet another Meryl Streep Festival style PR disaster.
Yet again ladies and gentlemen, the clock is ticking and it all has to be ready to pop and roll by June, by Jove!
What have the Custard company been doing, I asked myself?
How could they possibly be in such a situation with only weeks to go and not a single arrangement made, other than having sold tickets to an event that isn’t organised and with no line up of performers bar one and he isn’t too keen?
What kind of idiots could have let this happen I thought?
So I immediately called a full meeting of the Custard Company, took one look at them and it all became clear.
Mr Donald Wheresmetroosers was unavailable for comment, but I heard that right up until the point that he ran off down Dale Street to try and catch the tram to the airport and go on Holiday, he was negotiating with Googie the Liverpool Duck, trying to line her up as the main support act. (Donald? Duck? No wonder my googie withers).
So first, ladies and gentlemen this is what I faced on trying to get to the bottom of this, the latest in a long line of debacles.
As the meeting began, Mr Phil Rednose, the leading clown in charge of all things custard and with a finger in every pie, looking as usual like a warped negative of Kate Bush being electrocuted, took the lead on behalf of the Custard Company.
He just started to tell me that organising the concert was a bit like “a scouse wedding” at which point a hail of staplers, desk tidy’s and box files hurtled towards him with considerable force, knocking him off of his prototype Bench for Liverpool and burying him on the floor.
As he scrambled back onto his “more than sitting on” bench (I noticed he had a toilet roll tied to it) he went on, that "for those not used to organising events", (that seemed to cover everyone in the room) "this is just a typical moment on the 'long and winding road to……'”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence as a 17” computer monitor hit him squarely on the temple and he fell in a heap silent for the rest of the meeting.
"Howzat!" Somebody cried.
Give me some good news I said to them; give me one thing that has been arranged.
A young lady by the name of MeCogloose jumped up very excitedly and said I have booked the Bouncy Castle!
Well that’s a start, I said, something for the kids.
Then somebody pointed out that it should have been Beyonce that was booked.
Oh, 'who else have you booked then young lady', I said hopefully.'Well, that’s been brilliant', she said. 'I have got all the names from the list of top stars.
Bono
Michael Jackson
Sir Bob
Justin
Even Dame Shirley…loads of them and they have all written to confirm!"
"By Jove, take a bow Miss, we are saved, show me the confirmation letters," I said.
Sure enough she handed them to me, all willing to perform on the night.
"Marvellous," I said leafing through them….until I read the first one!
'The Sir Edward De Bono foundation would be delighted to deliver one of their renowned 2 hour talks on lateral thinking…..
As former Chief of Staff, General Sir Michael Jackson would be pleased to …..
Sir Bobby would be delighted to come to Anfield and meet up with old team mates from the triumphant 1966 squad…
since stepping down from Westminster Council Dame Shirley Porter has been enjoying…..
"Tell me", I said, "Have you confirmed Justin?
"If we have him that will give us the international coverage we need for global TV rights. "
"Global?" She said.
"You mean Gorbals, don’t you?
"Scottish Television is only interested if we get Lulu or the Proclaimers. But Lulu is unavailable and Roger Moore and Tony Curtis haven’t worked together for years. "
"Roger Moore…Tony Curtis?" I said, "what are you…they are the Persuaders!"
"Yes," she said, "that would definitely persuade them if they agree to do it. "
"Just tell me," I said, "have you got Justin?"
"Yes" she said "and it’s even on his website, look."
Well ladies and gentlemen, my sense of relief was short-lived as I watched her type into the website of Justin’s Rattlesnake www.rattlesnakebite.org/index.htm
"It’s Timberlake" I said, very quietly, "Justin Timberlake."
"Don’t be silly," she said, "they make boots and stuff."
Gosh I thought I was scatty! It was at this point I utilised the tried and trusted method for hypnotising a chicken, drawing finger circles on the table in front of her and then pulling away in a straight line.
Always worked with Storeyteller when I was Chuckle Executive.
She went under straight away and sat calmly with a fixed contented expression for the rest of the meeting with just the occasional little squeak.
"Right! Lets’s start from scratch.
"Anfield is booked isn’t it?
"Now, have you made sure there is not a match on?"
Two people ran out of the room and the rest sat puzzled and red faced.
"Good heavens!" I said in disbelief, "so McCartney is just singing, 'there’s a shadow hanging over me' and it’s the referee sending him off for obstruction!
"You have had two years to plan this," I said.
"What have you been doing? Why is there no money?
"You had over 100 million and this is the headline event!!
"I left ages ago - so I haven’t got it!" (the b**tards)
“Well” said Rednose, coming to life or as near as he can manage, “it’s been a hard days….”
"Shut it!" I said!
"Just shut it!"
Then they showed me the plan for filling Goodison Park with water and fish from the Salthouse dock. Apparently Everton couldn’t get anything in the net and it had to be abandoned at a cost of £330,000.
"All right," I said "that still leaves 100 million."
Then they showed me some bin bags full of rags and said "we have been putting these on the lampposts..."
"Keep going," I said.
"Then there was err….the opening event and Ringo that was £35,000 just for him!
“No, no” said Rednose, “I managed to get that down to £95,000….oh er up I mean….which is best up or down?
"Isn’t it more high profile, the more I spend of your money?"
"Then there was all the pay-offs including yours," they said. The cheek of them!
"But we have attracted some big sponsors like Ethel Austen."
"I wouldn’t count on Ethel, right now," I said.
"I think your Midas hand has already touched her."
Then they found the scapegoat they were looking for.
"It’s McCartney’s fault!" they said.
"He tricked Jasper Harbottle by pretending it would bring in loads of money, he’s done nothing to organise this. He just wants to turn up and sing bloody songs!
"We’ve had to negotiate all the deals."
"What deals," I said?
"Well Wally Bradlow has said that it will raise £300,000 for charity."
"No," I said.
"That’s Maccas appearance fee, that he wants to go to LIPA suction the charity for talented fat kids.
"That’s not a deal, that is at his request!
"It is still your money that you haven’t got, so you are making the donation!"
"So he is doing it for free. So why has he demanded that we give him £2 million and let his own production company organise it and take all the credit?" They cried as one.

"Well I am no expert," I said modestly, "but there are a few weeks to go and no support acts, no staging, no sound systems, no rigging, no health and safety confirmation for extra seating, there might be a match on, no television deal, no DVD or CD rights you haven’t even sorted the licence for the Mr Whippy pitch and you have a £20 million deficit, and on this alone you are already £2 million down the pan with a £62 million overall budget deficit at least and you are less than halfway through the Capital of Custard year! You tell me?"

After a few minutes silence, Rednose put up his hand.
"If you are about to incorporate a Beatles lyric into your next sentence I will kill you," I said.
“Yesterday…” he said, as I leapt across the table grabbing for his throat.
“No no…yesterday we decided to review the whole format. He is the star, it’s him people want to see - not Timberland and Whitney Spears, so we have decided to go for something local and more cutting edge."
"Yes, the Parks and Gardens Banjo quartet," said MeCogloose, snapping out of her trance.
"They are the best ‘Edge Cutters I could find. They did Ringo’s head the other week."
Well ladies and gentlemen, as you know it is not like Sir Diddy to admit defeat but I afraid I have to.
It was at that point I left the Fun Palace.
I cannot allow my good name to be dragged out of the mud and back in again by being associated with this farce.
I never want to see the 08 Logo again or the “Brand on the Run” as McCartney calls it.
In the hope I could salvage something I had already called upon my good friend from CityTalkbutnobodyslistening FM, Mr Pete Murray (he’ll knock your block off) to use his celebrity contacts to get me a top line-up to join Sir Paul on the big day, the main event of 2008.
Yes, I had all the stars on standby ready to run out there onto the pitch, thanks to good old Pricey.
Ray Quinn, (of course) Sonia, Bernie Flint, Eatin’ Out (or something) Bernard Hogan and the NDO, Professor Ian Tracey and his Thunderbird 2 Organ, Rick Asthma, OCD, or is it OHMS (something in the dark anyway).
I had Jerry Seinfeld and the Pacemakers, Valerie Pertbottom and the Royal Phillysredmond Orchestra, The Posh Scally G. Rhiuvarb Rhiuvarb and his rude rappy songs, Dr MacIllHook, and thanks to some of my old cabalists for all the rock n roll Dads out there, I even had ABE and Sirenz!
Now I have to tell them it’s all off and McCartney will be appearing with the Wurzells by the sound of it!
So yes Liverpool I have let you down.
The rescue I had carefully planned is not to be ladies and gentlemen.
I am sure Mr McCartney and his people will be able to organise it and make the day a success for those who see it.
One day we may even find out how much it cost along with everything else.
I bet we don’t find out before May 1st.
But you see missus, the problem has been that from day one, the Custard Company only ever had one idea about 2008 and they almost drove the already batty Robbing Archer mad with it. It was to reform the Beatles for 2008 and build everything else around it to attract world attention.
Yes I know we are short by two of them and believe it or not, even the Mandarins, (was Jason one of them? well he was the right colour!) yes, even the Mandarins of the Custard company knew there were only two left.
Nevertheless, they insisted that Archer get Paul and Ringo on stage together whatever the cost with the relatives of George and John, all playing together.
Now it was two years before they realised that Kathleen Harrison was in fact Mrs Thursday and star of the Huggets and no relation. That Sean the Sheep was an animated character, (hence no reply) and of course Julian Clary is a close comedian friend of Norman Lamont and had a hand in his becoming Chancellor.
I think it was Julian Lemon they meant, Cynthia’s Lad.
But on the bright side, the mix-up over Julian also ended some of the silly speculation about who was the fifth Beatle, when it was finally confirmed that it was definitely not, Fanny the Wonder Dog.
Well whatever happens Ladies and Gentlemen, the Concert, the “Liverpool Sound” will still, no doubt, be of music and popular culture and not the sound of national laughter, which would have been the CD, released by the Custard Company if McCartney’s people hadn’t had to step in.
The concert should go ahead in June by which time my dear little friend Wally Bradlow will, if there is any justice in the world, be a Nowhere man sitting in a Nowhere land….Damn!
Bloody Redmond has got me at it now!
Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye
Hope he does The Frog Chorus!
Kneedeep kneedeep..in debt!

Viva Las Freebies and a World Class programme of non-events (2008)

By Jove Missus, I am still here!

For those of you wondering how this blog is connected with the programme for Capital of Custard 2008, I intend to utilise today’s entry by updating you all with some of the less publicised events that are happening or being cancelled throughout the year.

But first ladies and gentlemen, once again I have to put the record straight about some scurrilous accusations levelled against my former diddy helper Wee Wally Bradlow.

I refer of course to the recent Viva Las Freebies headline.

Yes it is true, that to celebrate our joint Birthdays, Wally and Mrs Bradlow accompanied Lady Diddy and me to a Bingo weekend at the Las Vegas Housey-Housey Hall in Blackpool.

It was whilst there that Wally saw the advert for “Fireman Sam Live on Stage.”

Now as Cbeebies was due to be one of the first major events at the new Echo Margarine Aroma, it seemed right that Wally should see the show to give technical advice, - should Elvis Criddlington try to put out any electrical fires with a water extinguisher.

(They are not really trained fire-fighters, Wally was keen to point out)

And if the show was to come to Liverpool, he wanted to make sure there were no last minute health and safety concerns that would normally have been ignored by Jasper Harbottle in his capacity of making sure the iron was set right to put the logos on souvenir T-shirts.

With this in mind Wally contacted the Custard Company and asked them to pay for the tickets as he had spent his last three quid on a fortuneteller.

(That was a complete waste of money. She said, “I see no future but a message is coming through, do you know any one called Stan? I have a message for him about his father. Somehow it is linked to your fate. The message is… Stan, Dad’s bored…”)

Anyway I digress, missus, I can tell you right now that Wally did not in fact go to the show as Lady Diddy insisted that we should instead go and see The Krankies as Frank Ifield and Bernie Clifton were in it.

Wally sobbed all the way through it until Bernie Clifton came on and then he had his wonderful idea to engage Bernie to ride his Ostrich (modified to look like a Liver Bird) around Liverpool all summer, showing visiting dignitaries the major attractions of the city.

Director of Financial Mismanagement, Mr Hasitall has already confirmed that, on the charges of :

1) Misusing tax payers money

2) Abusing his position

3) Bullying Custard Company staff.

That he is innocent on all five counts. Er…four counts…er…six.

****************************************************

So missus, back to the programme for 2008 with the sub-title “Liverpool. You Aint Seen Nothing…”

Here are some of the less publicised events from the Redmond Think Tank of the Custard Company and those that got through anyway.

March 1st 'St Diddy’s Day Celebrations'
A special day in honour of the former Chuckle Executive who secured Capital of Custard for the city. The unveiling of a statue made from Church Street pavement bubble gum to be placed at the entrance to the Fourth Grace Will Alsop’s Cloud, no the Eden Project style Aquarium, no the terminus of the Tram System…..to be placed on Storeyteller’s grave.
March 6th Royally Court Theatre “Misleading Cases”
A stage production of the vintage TV comedy starring Alistair Simm and Roy Dotrice. “Call Mr Chris Herpes. So tell me again Mr Herpes, you say you were not posting the offensive items through the letterboxes but were in fact removing them, and that is your defence? Yes I recall a similar defence in the case of the Stanley Park flasher. He was not exposing his gentlemen part to the ladies bowling club but indeed putting it away”

April 1st “Rings of Confidence”
CCTV across the city will capture the bewildered faces of ordinary Liverpool people as thousands of volunteers ring their doorbells and run away. The pictures will be published in a special collection to available from December

31st April 'April Showers'
Misadventure Place opens it’s doors to the public to display the famous Tart Deco shower room. Official Grand Opening by Debbie Harry.

May 10th. 'Unveiling of the Redmond bench'
The chosen design by artist Damian Hurst Called “Brookside end of part one” will feature Our Lord sliced in half and preserved forever as a shrine at which the people of Liverpool may rest and worship at the white buttocks of the Saviour. “Cheek to cheek”

May 14th 'The Tall Chips Race'
2,008 obese youngsters will race against the clock up the stairs of the Radio City Tower to win free chips for a year! Mmmmm!

June 1st 'Brew Ha Ha!'
A cuppa tea with the lovable funny man and broadcaster Pete Price. If you or any members of your family have been affected by listening to the Pete Price Show a helpline is available through Liverpool Direct 0151 233 2008

June 5th Empire Theatre “Waldo Bradlovski” The Memory Man.
A truly amazing show. This man displays astounding feats of memory lapse. Audiences are invited to choose any telephone directory from anywhere in the world and pick a page number, within seconds the amazing Bradlovski will respond with “what page, what telephone directory, I’ve never even been to the Empire”

June 15th 'The Boris Johnson Lecture'
An opportunity for The Custard Company and cabinet members to lecture and advise Boris and to help him improve his skills in the field of professional buffoonery.

June 16th 'The Pump House COC tales for two'
An evening of tall stories and short drinks from the master himself Dickey Mint OBE 7.30 till midnight or until he falls over.

June 21st ImpUnity Theatre 'A Performance Related Play' based on the television quiz “Who wants to be a Millionaire”
A bunch of despotic carpetbaggers take control of the town and fail to answer questions in order to win huge cash prizes.

July 1st 'Viva Espania!'
Flamenco and Ice Cream is the order of the day as Harbottle Associates bring the Magic of Spain to Liverpool from the back of a car boot.

July 12th Orange Day Parade
The people show their gratitude to Jasper Harbottle for agreeing to take an additional £230,000 of their money and for his grand legacy of £20Million of debt. They carry him shoulder high to the Pier Head to a rousing reception at the foot of the Three Graces and then toss him into the Mersey.(Chorley Not?)

July 18th 'Storeylamebanana'
As the little yellow nana pops up all over the city, it’s your chance to cover the this much loved slippery, yellow little fleecer in whatever you think most appropriate.

July 21st Croxteth Country Park The return of “One Man and His Dog”
Sir Diddy and his Rotweiler, Doc, savage the sheep at the Children’s Farm and force the public to buy lamb chops at treble the normal cost.

July 28th The Mole of Edge Hill Exhibition.
“Williamson’s Flannels” a collection of face cloths used by Arthur Williamson, known throughout 18th century Liverpool for the unsightly mole on his cheek. As the mole grew larger and tougher this fascinating exhibition shows the wear and tear on his flannels creating a pattern of increasingly large holes that Williamson eventually had mounted onto canvas to frame painted miniatures of local parish councillors. “A load of old flannel” is free to the public.

July 30th 'Ringo Starves'.
The much-loved Beatle and son of Liverpool returns to his former home in the Dingle and will be bricked up alive. The show is expected to last several days. On his demise, a plaque will be erected outside saying “Ringo Starr, Liverpool born and Brown Bread, from the people of Liverpool. We were this close to letting you out.”

August 1st 'The Summer Pops'
Under the direction of Clear McCogloose, she has arranged for 3 crates of Dandelion and Burdock, 200 cans of Irn Bru, 40 bottles of Tizer and a can of lilt to be handed out for free at Aintree Racecourse.

August 2nd 'The Skint Exhibition'
Tate Liverpool an extraordinary lack of gold and riches is the hallmark of this exhibition where the art is in the hanging out to dry and framing rather than the actual picture.

August 2nd 'Oh shit, we forgot Matthew Street'!
Details to be announced.

Currently no further events are guaranteed to take place apart from Bonfire Night and Christmas. It should be noted however that the Custard Company has organised the Christmas Celebrations for the City.

Dec 25th A Giant Chocolate Egg will form the centre-piece for the Bonnet Parade as we join together to celebrate the birth of the infant Easter Bunny. A Carrot Service will be held at St Georges Hall at midnight.

Tatty bye Everybody

Tatty bye!

THAT SIR DIDDY INTERVIEW WITH JONES THE RHOS IN FULL, PLUS - THE LIVERPOOL H8 CD, RORY STOREY AND THE SHENANIGANS AND CHAS CREOLE!!!!!

By Jove, Missus!

Have you seen the headlines following my guest appearance on the Wicked FM Welsh radio show, 'Friday night with Jones the Rrhos'?

“Fury over Sir Diddy Comments on Rrhos The Interview”

When asked by Rrhos what Diddy missed most about Liverpool, he laughed.

Somewhat taken aback Rrhos said: "I waaaasn’t expecting laughter boyo, is there anything you miss about Liverpool?

“Err, the money” replied Sir Diddy……..

Many people are now saying that Sir Diddy’s return to Liverpool for the opening event was a cynical manoeuvre to remind people of how bloody awful it could have been.

Leader of the City Inconsolable, Wally Bradlow said: "It is sad that Diddy chose not to make up a load of sentimental toss about the city.

"We welcomed him to the event with an open expenses account.

"There’s a lot going on he could have talked about….all the grotty things that we have been busy covering up.

"The Shakespeare company is doing one of his finest comedies, rewritten for Liverpool, 'Two Gentlemen on Perroni'

"We certainly won't be inviting him to this year's Mathew Street Festival…is it on?

"Having spent some time with Diddy, his comments disappointed me and I really thought he was bigger than that."

Comments from local people included:"String him up!"

"Punch him on the chin, if you can find it."

"I think Pete Bounds - the one they got rid of - would have been better."

"He is just too used to the Hollyhead lifestyle."

"He was just here to promote his crap CD 'Liverpool H8 Figure'"

"What a heel!"

By Jove, ladies and gentlemen, having left Liverpool still feeling full of plumtiousness and other free booze at the Malmaison, I wake up next day to find - according to a city opinion poll - I am public enemy Number One, overtaking Hitler, Tarby, Spring Heeled MacIllhinney, Boss Hogg, from the Dukes of Hazard and Beryl Barmpot.

I’ll bet half of the people making these comments didn’t even see my interview!

So missus, to allow you to make up your own mind, I offer the full edited and fiddled about with transcript of my interview, to allow the good and fuuurrrrr…..fuuurrr, we say in Liverpool, fuurrr minded people to decide for themselves.

Here it is.

MUSIC FADES

Rrhos: "The house band, ladies and gentlemen, Four Executive Diwectors and a Fiasco!

Now, shall we bwing the next guest on?

(Audience screaming no and running for exits)

Rrhos: "Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, thank god, Sir Diddy Upstart!"

Diddy: "By Jove, they all love me. Love and peace missus. By Jove yes, you look like you’d love a piece.

"Can I say how tickled I was to be in Liverpool last weekend for the City of Custard.

"Where’s me CD? Show em me CD!

"Yes, I was tickled 35,000 times…in cash! What a wonderful weekend.... Hartlepool is great!"

Rrhos: "Now I see you’re still giving it the fingers, wubbing your thumb acwoss them."

Diddy: "Well yes, I’m still trying to spread love of cash. Love of cash everyone!"

Rrhos: "So the only thing you miss is the money?"

Diddy: Well the crowd was excited, so I had to say I was this close to coming back for some more.

"But the Custard Company has spent it and all the budget for the next few years.

"Don’t get me wrong, Liverpool is great, I grew rich there. I have accounts there. But you know. you can only get away with so much before you laugh so hard all the way to the bank that you rupture your clack."

Rrhos: "Now you have had another caweer and been in a few films."

Diddy: "Yes I was great. I played a Robbing Australian Archer alongside Marlon Bradley.

"We were friends for two weeks and then nothing. But he used to come into breakfast meetings with me and start counting the spoons and I’d say 'look, he’s counting the spoons'. Marvellous!"

Rrhos: "I was looking at one of your other movies recently - not the one pwoduced by council staff when you were Chuckle Executive, “Help” - but the more wecent one Health!

"And the humour in that still shines thwough. A fat little gnome lecturing about health and fluffing his lines is still hilarwious.

"Lets’s face it you were cwap. Still available on Youtube. In fact I am gonna make the kids watch it if they don’t go to bed.

"Now we found this photo of you outside a bank in Liverpool, so who are these guys?"

Diddy: "Oh by Jove, that’s Rory Storey and the Shenanigans!

"And you see him, on the end, he was the Jimmy Kendricks of his day!

"And that’s Macca, the dog!

"You know whenever we went away, in those days, we had to take a blonde. I wonder where she is now."

Rrhos: "But you are wearwing big pink money belts. I imagine it must have taken some bottle in Livepool with all the cuts in services to wear that?"

Diddy: "Those moneybelts were useful. When they tried to corner us, we said. 'hey we got moneybelts' and they just handed me another £380,000!"

Rrhos: "So let’s talk about your new CD Liverpool H8.

"Now not only is this on CD, but it is, look at this, available on ligature, I haven’t seen this before!"

Diddy: "Yes, a friend of mine, Chas Creole produces these from his modest offices in Freepark.

"You can wear it around your neck and strangle yourself to death listening to my lectures."

Rrhos: "Diddy, it’s been wonderful to have you here! Give me your bank account number and keep spweading love of cash.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Sir Diddy!"

(Audience hisses)

End of Interview.

Rrhos: "So, Sir Wichard of Attenborwough, were you ever tempted to shag an Iguana?"

(Cut transcript)

So there you have it missus. I was great!
Lovable, full of plumptiousness and really selling the City of Custard.
Of course, now in Liverpool they are going to have to sell everything to pay for it.

So pop down to the Oh H8 place and show your support by purchasing one of the 08 commemorative products produced by the Royal Dickie Mint “Tears for Souvenirs.”

They are going at cost price - only £1.00 each - and we have at least 26 million of them to shift.

Unfortunately Liverpool Direct is charging the council £2.20 to sell them.

Different budget lines, different lines. It’s all legal.

Ha ha!

By Jove, my Diddymen learned well from the Squire of Grotty Cash and my diddy love child Doc the MacIllMarmaliser.

We get by with a little help from our friends.

Tatty Bye everybody, Tatty Bye!