More helpings of Custard as Ironing Board for England leaves Chuckle Brothers on Death Row. Plus Mathew Chas & Dave and spectacular closing semolina

By Jove, I’m back missus. It’s been a busy week for me. Half the house was accidentally demolished after Mrs Chucklebutty dug up a 2nd World War bomb in the back garden and kept battering it with a shovel to see if it was live.

Yes we had a bit of a fall out over that, just because I left her in a tree for four days, but all is now back to normal. Peace in our time and pieces of the garden throughout the neighbourhood. She was okay when it went off having taken the precaution of wearing earplugs.

Anyway ladies and gentlemen, enough about the home front, which is all that’s left until we rebuild the back, down to the main business.

All of you Custard-Vultures will no doubt be wondering what’s left for 2008 as I turn again to the examine some of the remaining tattyfilarious programme of events.

Of course there will also be the spectacular closing ceremony, to make up for the piss-poor opening one with Bingo Starr and the grand parade of strangers and extras from Brookside.

Speaking of the closing ceremony, it looks like the result of the investigation into the behaviour of our current political leaders by the Ironing Board for England, has been put on hold with them deciding not to announce the guilt (or otherwise) of Messrs Bradlow and Mint until we have ended the year of custard.

They drank all the Peroni (click on links)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7S_afcpaEU

It seems they wish to spare the city any embarrassment of having our Leader and future Lord Muck bundled out of the town hall under a blanket, at least until Cilla has given her Panto thigh one last slap. Give Pete Price one as well Chuck. ( She calls me Chuck, you know, the cheeky mare)

Step inside Cilla
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHVLwHJNC-0

Surely this uncertainty leaves us with a great cloud - another one - hanging over the city for the rest of the year? If they are innocent, why haven’t they spared us the worry?

But if the Chuckle brothers are guilty of bullying and conspiring against Mr Harbottle and leaking details of his ticky dodger to the press (the Ironing Board doesn’t like the press you know, by Jove) then by not going public, we are potentialy left with people running the city who may now officially be regarded as unfit for office. This risks the end of Capital of Custard year being dominated by front page spreads about the antics of these two, rather than Pete Price’s Ugly sister frock. Although I am sure we’ll be able to read about it in his column for many months after.

What’s even more worrying, is with our “world in one city” slogan, just imagine the damage if a guilty verdict is linked to the colour of Mr Harbottle’s skin!

I have often thought why this brilliantly successful and charismatic young man should have been cruelly held up to ridicule by everyone who has ever come into contact with him or any of his work and why he has been treated so shabbily by Officers and Members with only a £230,0000 pay off.

And then the words of the Civil Blights leader,
The Reverend Doctor Paisley ring in my ear.

“ Is it because I is orange?” I hope I am wrong. But why else would they all take the pith?

Prince Jasper of Orange http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-7AN3WLHENY

A guilty verdict could of course have serious implications for the General Postmaster who has been trying to cover up his chronic amnesia after forgetting to send in Harbottle’s complaint.

(Harbottle’s complaint is now officially recognised as an illness. See recent article in The Lancet by Dr Juan Peroni)

I also understand that Executive Board meetings are now called Late Night with Letterman.

But if they've been found guilty, Wally and Mint should go now, then in the remaining months, deputy leader Flo Coupdegras, could work to recapture the spirit of 08, which is currently akin to a bottle of turps in most parts of the city.

On 31st of December, at the closing ceremony, she could regale us on the steps of St George’s Hall with her Dance of the Seventy Million Veils. Recreating the council X-factor winning routine with her and Dr Rotweiller as Ginger Rogers and Freddy Kruger. Nightmare on Dale Street

The Doc dumps Flo for a blonde http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QccO0pvSqgU

What a spectacular that would be, lit by the glow of the stunning 3 inch Catherine wheel nailed to a stick and with the moonlight catching the ceremonial milk bottle to launch the Legacy Rocket as it soars over 12 feet into the night sky with a mighty phhzsst proclaiming,

“ is that it then?”

But let’s try and forget about them for now and concentrate on the great events still to come. Next weekend of course is a second chance to see last years Mirthew Street Festival, when fans will be coming from as far as Chorley and Wrexham (the only train service running) to celebrate musical Merseyside and of course central to the festival is The Fab Four, that’s right, Herman’s Hermits. Visitors will arrive at Peter Noone International Airport “Above us only Mrs Browns lovely daughter” The dirty hermit.

Mrs Brown's http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv8k0VI9tBc
Something good http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evpMKx5nrfY

Arrangements have been made to ensure visitors are immediately fleeced by cab drivers, driven to Runcorn Bridge to arrive in the city centre via the Kingsway Tunnel 5 hours later.

Why hasn’t anybody ever thought of having a tram connection like other cities? That Marie Celeste South Parkway Station that cost millions is miles away from the airport, why not just stay on the bus to Lime Street? It’s the transport equivalent of the pub with no beer - the station with no passengers, just tumbleweeds and a ticket clerk who has gone mad through isolation, he thought life would improve after 15 years in the Lighthouse, the poor man. Built to handle the tens of thousands flocking through from the airport, no expense has been spared apart from on platform seating and any shelter to protect you from gale force wind and driving rain.

The sign says:
Welcome to Liverpool.
What did you come to Parkway for soft lad?
You’d have been better going into town.
You can’t even get a cuppa tea here.
Yer norra Cockney or a woolly are ya?
Who you looking at, knob head?

Actually I think everything after the first line, was added by Jimmy McGovern, in felt tip. When he gets the muse, he has to write it down you know.

But anyway missus, this year the festival should be amazing with the headline act bound to bring in the huge crowds being none other than, scouse cockney band Chas & Dave. Yes Mr Cole and Dr Rottwieller will open the event with their hit song “Rob-it, Rob-it”.

They will also be attending an opening banquet with the Lord Mayor, dining on Jellied Cuban eels a la diddy, stunned salthouse fish, fresh from our very own docks and all sorts of seafood to reflect our maritime history. In fact the banquet is being held at one of the fishiest establishments in town, The 08 Plaice. Free parking will be available for guests of honour.

Fresh Fish Blues http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AATtz__l9S8

LDL Test http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmzodvWDwSM

There is more ladies and gentlemen, no sooner does the Meryl Streep festival conclude than we have perhaps the most eagerly awaited event of the year commence. La Vending Machine! So keep some 10 pence pieces handy.

Everybody is wondering what’s in store for the city as the people who brought the great Elephant to the streets of London, or Boris Johnson as he is known, bring a spectacular creature to Liverpool for 2008. They are calling it La Princess! I do hope it’s not going to be a 90ft Princess Anne on horseback jumping over the Churchill flyover and blooding the children as she slaughters any pensioners wearing a fox fur.

Or a gin sodden Princess Margaret marauding through the city streets chasing Roddy Llewellyn with a corkscrew. It wont be the other one, despite the Liverpool connection and the affair with Doddy, I can’t remember her name - off Panorama - claimed Prince Charles secretly married a camel and Prince Phillip once tried to smother the Queen mother with a pillow after she drank his Old Spice.

But anyway, the French designers who have created La Machine first visited Liverpool looking for inspiration as to what kind of creature they could build. I understand they were shocked to see and hear about such a web of deceit, so with that impression, who knows what they may come up with.

Of course machines like this have their origin in Victorian times with the popular but smaller scale automatons that used to go on display. They would both shock and excite huge crowds of people at major events. Perhaps the most shocking example of the period was The Great Exhibition of Prince Alberts, when they all dropped their trousers in front of Queen Victoria at the Trooping of the colour. That was where they got the idea for the 21-gun salute.

Apart from that and the closing ceremony, I suppose the other main event is one I should keep quiet about since I misguided readers about it some time back. I mistakenly thought it was the HGV awards. However, since then I have received tens of thousands of letters from angry welsh folk. It is of course the HTV awards, a celebration of Harlech Televisions finest achievements.

And where better to celebrate that than Liverpool. Probably Sir Diddy put in a word for us after he bought himself a place there with our council tax or was that Manchester. Oh, there's a thouht, we don’t want the Granada Awards; they might send Ray Gosling to investigate us. Mind you isn’t Bet Lynch still our cultural ambassador from those early heady days?

I do hope Les Dennis doesn’t start a fight with Max Boyce during the awards. It was bad enough when Cheggars chinned Harry Seacombe on a live edition of Highway. Still, Cheggers is off the juice now and remains one of my heroes, a man who is 100% proof - well not these days, he’s still off it - but he remains proof that if you cut Liverpool people in half, they would have plumtiousness written right through them.

Bless you young Keith. We should get him back here to sort out the mysterious One Swap Shop for Kensington. Maybe it was swapped for the LDL £15 million nobody can account for.

The HTV awards will celebrate an era of magnificent entertainment output. Remember they gave us Wycliffe, with Jack Sheppard, Three Little Words with Ray Allen and Barbie and Definition with Don Moss. Their Jewel in the Crown, of course was the inspired game show “Mr & Mrs”.

Ahh you see, a lot of people only remember the Derek Batey version on Border TV, but the HTV one had the great and bald Alan Taylor, who wore a monocle and went on to do Paint Along with Nancy Komisnky. She married Reagan of course and ran the USA while he talked to the hat-stand all day.

They’ll all be there on the big night, well not that swine Batey, who ousted Alan’s HTV version. But anyway, as Batey and Alan used to say at the end of each episode,

“be nice to each other”

If only our local politicians and indeed the world could adopt that wise and simple philosophy.

You know I may run off some t-shirts with that on. What’s Harbottle’s number?
They’d all want one especially if it had Alan and Batey on it. Subliminal social control as well. I’ll speak to Sir Bernard Hogan-Heroes about this.

Moving on, here’s a special message now to all you ladies. Oven Chips for the next couple of weeks missus, leave the chip pan in the cupboard, we don’t want any fires because Grotty cash is hosting the World Fire-fighter games, so you’ll have to make do with the Coast Guard in an emergency and swim out to sea. Yes it’s the Fire-fighter games at the Arena. We won the tender ha, ha by Jove!

This promises to be an event to rival the Beejam Olympics. They were going to have an Olympic style flaming torch ceremony but they just couldn’t help themselves and kept putting it out.

Nevertheless the main opening ceremony promises to be an amazing spectacle.

As the parade of fire-fighters march into the Arena, nine hundred and ninety nine (999 see they have thought it all through) specially invited youngsters will greet them with the now traditional hail of bricks and abuse as they kick off with the first event, “puttin’ar bommie out”. There will be music too from Nee-naw Simone backed by Sirenz, the stars of last years’ Matthew Street judge nobbling festival held on Fathers day.

Sad to say there is the usual controversy though to spoil the games. Apparently the pretty little girl in the Everton scarf singing “Smoke gets in your lies” was just lip syncing to little Wally Bradlow who actually sang it, but his head was thought to be too big and too crooked to represent the right image for Grotty Cash. Quite right. It looks like a peanut shell! It is a shame though; after all he scored top marks in the dope testing.

Just to note, there will be Green Goddesses on stand-by to finish the games, should there be any enquiries or dispute over the tiddlywinks results.

Modern Fire Service http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54krG8U6Cl0

Beijing Official Olympic Song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pY5zDQWd5bE

So missus, Grotty Cash is going to be the place to be over the coming months, particularly if you work for the Standards Board or the National Audit Commission. (Hopefully)

The message and advice then to Wally Bradlow and Future Lord Muck, Dicky Mint, remains the same.

It is the motto of the fire fighters themselves.

GET OUT and STAY OUT!

Be Nice To Each Other

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye!

CEX Spies and Idiot tapes. Comic turns at the Phone-Tappers and Shunters. Give order please!

By Jove, Missus, I have only just found out that the latest series of my all time favourite television programme, Fantasy Island, is actually made right here in Grotty Cash!

I have just been down to see the set and meet the cast. It is completely stunning how they manage it.

The format has changed a little but it’s still the same incredible stories of a bunch of gormless folk and conniving tricksters who travel there wasting an absolute fortune, just to live out their personal fantasies of wealth and power.

What I love about the series is the mixture of intrigue, heartbreak and comedy.
Apparently though, this series has gone way over budget, at least 64 million. Twice that if you count the episode about the people whose fantasy it was to have equal pay and that’s nowhere near finished. They really should ditch the Executive Producer and the directors and get somebody else in before the show is axed.

I met up and had dinner with the stars. (Ha, ha Pete Price!! One-Nil to Chucklebutty, and I asked them about you and they said, “never heard of him”) They took me around the magnificent Town Hall set and told me about the current episodes being filmed.

If you have missed it this is basically the plot so far, Brad Pratt, plays the part of a simple fireman, Wally Bradlow. He has a heart-warming fantasy, that people will just take him seriously, so he is put in charge of a Lambanana Republic and it all just crumbles around him. Poor Wally, every time he opens his mouth, he puts his foot in it and what’s more, he has no money to run the country and no idea where it has all gone.

The problem is of course that Wally is surrounded by intrigue and incompetence and quickly joins in the spin to hide his own inadequacy. Although a very sad story, comic relief is provided by veteran music hall star Frank Randle, as toothless Mike Stormey, the former leader and founder of the new republic. Pictured here reassuring Wally.

Stormey had to jump before being chased out of office for trying to rob a poor pensioner and kick him out of his job in previous hilarious episodes. That was a favourite of mine, it starred Gerald Campion as Sir Diddy, a greedy little jumped up pen pusher. But Stormey was no match for Diddy who wiped the floor with him clearing off with huge bags of loot. "Yaroooo!"

Despite Stormey being disgraced, his little protégé Wally just hadn’t the heart or the guts to get rid of Stormey and keeps giving him jobs, so the joke is kept going as he continually keeps popping up to embarrass everyone with his madcap antics as he tries to scheme his way out of trouble in the same old way, getting caught out each time.

This means poor hapless Wally has to deal with the legacy of Diddy’s departure and the gang of unscrupulous little corporals that Diddy left behind who all hate Stormey. Wally had hoped that the appointment of a new Chief Pen-pusher Hilton J Stilton, pictured right on the day he first saw the accounts and played by the silent screen star Harold Lloyd, would sort things out for him as a safe pair of hands. But then they realised the safe was empty, in fact Stilton emptied some of it himself with his new salary and bonuses and a string of pay-offs. So with yet more mad-cap schemes, even more money pours down the grid as they completely lose control.

All the ensuing calamities, cock-ups and attempted cover-ups continue to be leaked to the resistance movement, the TP47 brigade as they are known and a coup is feared.

So Harold Lloyd as Stilton, spends all his time hanging off a ledger whilst trying to cover-up Stormey’s schemes, Wally’s incompetence and all of the waste and allegations of corruption.

In a hair raising sequence as Stilton hangs by a thread after being caught trying to listen-in to a telephone call involving the leader of the opposition party, the outraged Joe Scandafone, played by James Robertson-Justice,all hell breaks loose!

Astonished to find Stilton hanging from a ledge outside his office window with an ear trumpet, Joe demands to know what is going on and seeks answers through The Feeling of Infiltration Act. To his horror, he discovers that Stilton has been monitoring calls, eavesdropping and rifling through everybody’s drawers.

What’s worse is that to spy on everybody and find the mole, he’s been using the services and technology of the evil Dr Dive InMeshowerhoney, to do it. Donald Pleasance gives his usual wonderfully creepy performance as the Doctor, who is the Head of Listen-in Direct, the company siphoning off all the state gold reserves.

But Stilton is no longer the innocent people thought he was. He was supposed to sort out the evil doctors empire but soon realised that if he did, the whole house of cards (all jokers) would come crashing down. So when Joe finds out he’s been under secret surveillance, Stilton quickly points the finger at his chief check-out girl who can never get her till to balance and that he wants to get rid of anyway.

Poor Phyllis Hearsall, is the less than innocent cashier, played by Joyce Grenfell.

In a stormy meeting, at the town hall, Joe tells everyone that it’s all a cover-up and a secret report had already shown who had been leaking all the state secrets to the resistance movement. Joe shows everybody a list of the number of times he has phoned for a Pizza, as recorded by Hearsall and demands the suspension of the series until the writers can up with a more believable script.

The last episode ended with Wally, Stormey, Stilton and Hearsall in the bar of the Phone-Tappers and Shunters Social Club with them all walking towards camera saying “what do we do next, what do we do next?”

Well I don’t know what they will do next either missus. I just hope they don’t axe the whole show. It’s like I Claudius meets Michael Bentine’s Potty Time.

Anyway you should all look out for it. Deidre Bartley in the Wrexham Post is one of the few TV critics that have done write-ups on the show. The Hecko seems too interested in Purple Ronnie’s obsession with men’s bicycle clips and Colleens hemlines to say much about it.

Every now and then, if it gets just too talked about to ignore, the Hecko will give a watered down review by Nick Columngone. But anyway, have a look at the fan site on the internet if you want to know more. It’s called The Vile Dispicablog or Liverpool-Bus-shelter, something like that. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Next week Mrs Chucklebutty will be reviewing the re-make of comedy courtroom drama: Perry Makin. Starring Ross Kemp.

Tatty bye Everybody TattyBye.

HGV Music Awards, Pete Price Exposed, The verdict on the Bishop, The Ducks Dispute and muggings in Anfield. Plus Missing post;Leadership battle

By Jove Missus, it’s not long to go now until the Echo Margarina hosts the showbiz event of Custard year, the HGV awards.

But first here is a short film about road safety http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAstMJhzUxk

Now back to the main business.

What always amazes me about the HGV awards event is the interest shown by so many rock stars and the music industry. They all turn up for it, in fact last time I tuned in; the drivers hardly got a look in!

You know what the press is like. It’s nice that these music industry stars should give our lorry drivers their support on the big night by turning out in such numbers but don’t be too pushy.

I suppose for the drivers, it’s like having their friends turn up.

I imagine when you are driving long distances all alone in your cab; the radio is your only companion as you charge along the M6 at three miles an hour munching on your Mexican Taco graph crisps.


Do they still eat Yorkies ?


I suspect that was banned
by the RSPCA.





Mind you Missus, listening to the radio has its hazards. Think of the poor foreign drivers coming into Merseyside late at night and the radio suddenly picks up our very own Pete Pricerite screaming -

“ Yer a filthy vile no mark!”

That’s the kind of welcome we like to give visitors. Put them at ease. He’s got a Blog now you know, old Pete “I’ll knock yer block off” Price, an award winning one by all accounts. He’s done very well.

I remember him when he was so poor he had to make a suit out of the Echo. Yes, he used to wear it for his stand-up act. Mind you the deaths column down his trouser leg was a bit distracting for the front row. One night an old lady got up on stage trying to complete the crossword.

The suit was always tearing on stage. Remember the spot the ball competition Pete? Yes it was after that he started making underwear as well from the footie echo.

The score draws, we called them.


So anyway, where was I?

Oh yes the HGV awards! Of course you know this has all been well planned in advance and Grotty Cash sent our equivalent of Beavis and Butthead, our civic leaders, Cheesis and Benthead (Stilton and Wally Bradlow to you Missus) to see how the event is managed. So don't worry, it’s not going to be like the Pole MacSlidey concert at Anfield. Jeremy Clarkson wont be demanding that 2 million is handed over to him at the last minute to organise it. And since the Custard company won’t be doing the tickets (will they?) They wont flog you a £75.00 ticket for the Anfield Road end and when you turn up your seat is three quid one in the car park at Goodison!

That reminds me, I still haven’t got my Kodak Brownie 44a back from those thieving swine!

They confiscated everything I had to enable me to enjoy the concert! My brolly, my camera, my bottle of Teachers, the Pot Noodles, car battery and travel kettle, the primer stove and portable barbeque set, the sausages, the 12 bottles of Bishops Finger and the inflatable bed.

They even took my Rolf Harris Stylophone (and I had been practicing “My Diane” and “Charmaine” all week to join in - he didn’t do them anyway) Outrageous!

(Rare recordings of The Beatles in their hayday)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMRmbEpmPAc

I thought we were trying to get away from this image of thieves. The entire audience was more or less mugged at the turnstiles!

Actually Mrs Chucklebutty refused to go in when she saw people getting frisked, I think she was worried about them confiscating her perfume. She muttered something about having 25 quids worth of Charlie stashed in her Ethel Austin’s and ran off down the road when she saw the Police.

The Police didn’t play either and I have no idea which one of them was Stink. There may have been a Message in a Bottle but all the bottles were confiscated.

American comedian all the way from Bolton, Massachusetts, Stubby Kaye was very funny although even he had his garlic bread confiscated. Mind you his joke about thanking the council didn’t go down too well.

I am glad to say that following the booing from the crowd Wally and Flo decided not to do their version of the infamous Justin Timberland and Jesse Jackson Super bowl incident.

The plan was, that they would sing a duet of

Jacqui and Bridie’s only venture into Gangsta Rap. with
“ Yo Missin’ millions mother-******s”

and on the line - “you can kiss my glib-dum ass" Flo would have yanked down Wally’s trousers to reveal a Rusty Sheriffs Badge. I really don’t think it would have conveyed the right message.

Now a couple of other news items for Custard Year As you will know capital of Custard will transform Liverpool creating 10 trillion jobs mostly security men guarding the 2,000 new empty city apartments nobody wants or can afford.
So it is encouraging to see Liverpool leaping to the top of the employment figures nationally for having 25% out of work.

All the more free time to go and see the Klimt Eastwood exhibition and sit on a Bench for Liverpool. Ahaa! So that’s what it’s for, the unemployed!

That Redmond fella knows what he’s doing after all.

But it is very worrying and with the cost of petrol these days, I doubt the young people could afford another 1981 style riot.

Apparently a council spokesman blamed the unemployment on Liverpool’s decline as a port and said we are still suffering from the collapse of the Ducks. Well what do you expect when you dredge Sefton Park Lake? They have to walk everywhere now!

Maybe some of the Ducks could follow the Liverpool Dockers example and take over a Bistro.

Quackerblanca!

Yes the legacy for the city is really taking shape isn’t it?

Church Street is now rapidly becoming the new Wavertree Road with all the main shops shifting to Liverpool Con. So much so that even Mr Plinka Plonka has moved to Debenhams.

They’ll be begging the market stallholders to come back soon to hide the boarded up windows. Soon there will be no chewing gum left along the pavement wave. Should save a few quid on the Christmas lights. Rapid Hardware can do their own since it will only be their customers winding their way through the tumbleweeds.

Yes very well thought out and not at all predicted!

Now another issue that has arisen recently is the controversy over our very own Bishop of Liverpool, Indiana Jones.

Rumour has it according to one of his former employees that he hates Liverpool.
I can’t believe that, after all look at his involvement in the Kensington New Deal…err…
anyway he always had a hard act to follow since the passing of Dr Donald Sinden and his - No, no, David Owen wasn’t it?

He had a double act with the Catholic one,

Bishop Deryck Guyler, I think. I know there was Bill Rogers and Shirley Warlocks involved. Oh I can’t remember, anyway they have a statue of them both now to mark them founding Littlewoods Pools or something.

So he probably gets annoyed seeing that every Sunday on the bus to work.


I have heard it said that Bishop Jones claims to have the “gift of tongues”.


Well I can tell you ladies and gentlemen, I took a stroll through the Anglican Cathedral grounds one evening and was offered something along those lines but it wasn’t a gift, she wanted twenty quid!


Tatty bye Everybody Tatty bye!


Ahhh! but not yet.....
From the Archives deep under the seams of Grotty Cash Jambutty mine.

I bring you the missing post Ladies and gentlemen!

The Galaxy of Stars who turned out for the greatest contest ever seen. The Leaderership Contest.

By Jove missus, what a night! I have just returned from the showbiz event of the year!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, The DAFTAS. The Glibbering Dum Academy members have been voting this evening to determine the most worthy performers and outstanding contributions from the dream factory that is WALLYWOOD.
Named of course in honour of our great inspirational leader Wally Bradlow.

Yes it was make your mind up time to decide who will be the leading light on Bradway.

It began with the curtain rising to reveal the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble Choir (again)

Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnyzNLO9Bnw

all dressed in sequinned shell-suits belting out in close disharmony that rousing classic “Hooray for Wallywood” as they began to remove items of silver from the display cabinets, before legging it down Castle Street. (The full lyrics of the opening number and police descriptions are printed below.)

Now I won’t spoil it just yet by telling you the winner but as usual it is steeped in controversy. But if I mention the leader of the Rat-pack….?

First Ladies and Gentlemen, there were many other important categories up for awards.

Best supporting hand up the “leaders” backside went to Dicky Mint the Storeyteller.







Spanish Director, Jose Holabarrow took the coveted Greasy Orange Palm award.

Harassing Forde won the Peroni Award for Fiction & Fantasy for
“Readers of the Lost Remarks” and the “Meryl Streep Festival Enquiry” which also won worst scriptwriter.


Astonishingly, “One Flew out of the Clucas Nest” was not up for any awards. However, the star, is said to be taking it on the chin. She gave this statement to Hecko reporter Alistair McCraven.

“I am glad to be out of it this time round, the McCartneyist witch-hunts are about to start all over again and at least two of our leading stars are soon to appear before them. It really can end your career. Let me say now, I am not and have never been a member of the Custard Company. Once this is all over, they will need an old pro’ to take the lead role in the next no budget bankbuster”

Now you may be aware that Cinerama is back!

And the massive wide screen was just in the nick of time to announce the winner in the best newcomer and Turncoat Prize category, who also was given a Lunchtime Achievement award.

Yes Narnia Stewpid took the ‘Jaws Award’ for her many memorable rolls and epics.

Great Performances such as;
‘Loves Labours Lost’
‘Mash’
‘Chocolat’
‘Goodbye where’s me Chips’
‘Guess who’s coming to dinner….? Me’.
‘Mutiny for a Bounty’,
‘Passage to Indian’
‘Four Wedding Cakes and Tuna roll’,
‘The Greatest Sorbet Ever Sold’,
‘Back to the Foodstore II’,
‘You only Lunch Twice’,
‘It’s a Wonderful Loaf’, and of course
Biblical Epic ‘The Tinned Corn and Mince’
Lloyd Webber Musical ‘Cheeses, Crust Soup to Start’
And crime Thriller “ The Long Good Fried Egg”
And my old personal favourite, Apackocrisps Now!)

So, ladies and gentlemen, on to the main winner of the night.

Now you may have heard it announced that popular contenders the Gaudy double act, Rant and Dick (also known from their earlier career with a few flop chart hits as PC and Drinkin’) won the main vote in the people’s choice award but it turned out that just because ex Custard Creamer, Robyn Millions, wanted to fly in from Australia to present them with an award, the panel of judges had fixed the result.

Of course Rant and Dick who knew nothing of this, have been a major farce in light entertainment with hits such as “He’s a Calamity Get Me Out of Here” and many expected them to take the clown, I mean crown.

But on the night, the real people’s choice and continuing leader of the Crap-Pack was in none other than Wally Brando for his performance as Catherine of Arrogant at the Tate. The re-crowned Rat-Pack leader , Wally Bradlow squeaking live from Las Vague Arse was clearly overwhelmed at the number of his peers that voted against him.

“So what’s it like to still be leader will it be back to base tricks?” the reporters asked.
“Who dear, me dear, lead role in the Titanic? How very dare you! Just because I have a hand up my jacksy making my lips move, doesn’t mean I can’t still talk through it”


Then Storeyteller his co-star chipped in,

“ Come to see me have ya?
Come up to see your old Mike?
What a f*****g liberal..”

So against all predictions, except for those that predicted a win for Wally, there you have it, Victory for the lad himself. Stone me! Fantastic result. We are home and dry!
Unlike one of the contenders I expect.

And now as promised here is the singalong sheet. Tonight’s opening number from the ASBO choir, who will be live at the Anfield concert, where Macca himself will perform the anthem tribute.

Hooray for Wallywood!

Hooray for Wallywood
That screwy, ballyhooey Wallywood!
Where any fireman Or storeyteller
can lead while Yellar
With just a dumb-looking grin
And any Stewart
Can really screw-it
If she sees a bag
with some doughnuts in.


Hooray for Wallywood!
Where it’s horrific
that they’re all no good!
Where anyone at all
like Jasper Harbarrow
or Fatty Marbrow
is equally no damn good
Come on and try your luck
Nobody gives a F**k
Hooray for Wallywood!


Hooray for Wallywood!
That Tony, showed they’re phoney,
Wallywood
They gave us Harbarrow
and Robbing Archer
On whose departure,
filled their bags up with cash


08 culture,
a circling vulture
cock it up
and then make a dash



Hooray for Wallywood!
You may be pissed off
in your neighbourhood.


Still, if you wonder why
the city’s strapless
Just point to Hapless
He’d make a monkey look good!



We’re getting near the hour
When we can dump this shower
Time’s up for Wallywood!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRWeQ6nq6n8

By the way, Mr Clein only got a small number of votes. Probably cos it’s German for Diddy, Have I mentioned that? Diddy win? Diddy heck and he De-Cleined to comment.

Tatty bye Everybody, Tatty bye!