By Jove Missus, I am still here!
For those of you wondering how this blog is connected with the programme for Capital of Custard 2008, I intend to utilise today’s entry by updating you all with some of the less publicised events that are happening or being cancelled throughout the year.
But first ladies and gentlemen, once again I have to put the record straight about some scurrilous accusations levelled against my former diddy helper Wee Wally Bradlow.
I refer of course to the recent Viva Las Freebies headline.
Yes it is true, that to celebrate our joint Birthdays, Wally and Mrs Bradlow accompanied Lady Diddy and me to a Bingo weekend at the Las Vegas Housey-Housey Hall in Blackpool.
It was whilst there that Wally saw the advert for “Fireman Sam Live on Stage.”
Now as Cbeebies was due to be one of the first major events at the new Echo Margarine Aroma, it seemed right that Wally should see the show to give technical advice, - should Elvis Criddlington try to put out any electrical fires with a water extinguisher.
(They are not really trained fire-fighters, Wally was keen to point out)
And if the show was to come to Liverpool, he wanted to make sure there were no last minute health and safety concerns that would normally have been ignored by Jasper Harbottle in his capacity of making sure the iron was set right to put the logos on souvenir T-shirts.
With this in mind Wally contacted the Custard Company and asked them to pay for the tickets as he had spent his last three quid on a fortuneteller.
(That was a complete waste of money. She said, “I see no future but a message is coming through, do you know any one called Stan? I have a message for him about his father. Somehow it is linked to your fate. The message is… Stan, Dad’s bored…”)
Anyway I digress, missus, I can tell you right now that Wally did not in fact go to the show as Lady Diddy insisted that we should instead go and see The Krankies as Frank Ifield and Bernie Clifton were in it.
Wally sobbed all the way through it until Bernie Clifton came on and then he had his wonderful idea to engage Bernie to ride his Ostrich (modified to look like a Liver Bird) around Liverpool all summer, showing visiting dignitaries the major attractions of the city.
Director of Financial Mismanagement, Mr Hasitall has already confirmed that, on the charges of :
1) Misusing tax payers money
2) Abusing his position
3) Bullying Custard Company staff.
That he is innocent on all five counts. Er…four counts…er…six.
****************************************************So missus, back to the programme for 2008 with the sub-title “Liverpool. You Aint Seen Nothing…”
Here are some of the less publicised events from the Redmond Think Tank of the Custard Company and those that got through anyway.
March 1st 'St Diddy’s Day Celebrations'
A special day in honour of the former Chuckle Executive who secured Capital of Custard for the city. The unveiling of a statue made from Church Street pavement bubble gum to be placed at the entrance to the Fourth Grace Will Alsop’s Cloud, no the Eden Project style Aquarium, no the terminus of the Tram System…..to be placed on Storeyteller’s grave.
March 6th Royally Court Theatre “Misleading Cases”
A stage production of the vintage TV comedy starring Alistair Simm and Roy Dotrice. “Call Mr Chris Herpes. So tell me again Mr Herpes, you say you were not posting the offensive items through the letterboxes but were in fact removing them, and that is your defence? Yes I recall a similar defence in the case of the Stanley Park flasher. He was not exposing his gentlemen part to the ladies bowling club but indeed putting it away”
April 1st “Rings of Confidence”
CCTV across the city will capture the bewildered faces of ordinary Liverpool people as thousands of volunteers ring their doorbells and run away. The pictures will be published in a special collection to available from December
31st April 'April Showers'
Misadventure Place opens it’s doors to the public to display the famous Tart Deco shower room. Official Grand Opening by Debbie Harry.
May 10th. 'Unveiling of the Redmond bench'
The chosen design by artist Damian Hurst Called “Brookside end of part one” will feature Our Lord sliced in half and preserved forever as a shrine at which the people of Liverpool may rest and worship at the white buttocks of the Saviour. “Cheek to cheek”
May 14th 'The Tall Chips Race'
2,008 obese youngsters will race against the clock up the stairs of the Radio City Tower to win free chips for a year! Mmmmm!
June 1st 'Brew Ha Ha!'
A cuppa tea with the lovable funny man and broadcaster Pete Price. If you or any members of your family have been affected by listening to the Pete Price Show a helpline is available through Liverpool Direct 0151 233 2008
June 5th Empire Theatre “Waldo Bradlovski” The Memory Man.
A truly amazing show. This man displays astounding feats of memory lapse. Audiences are invited to choose any telephone directory from anywhere in the world and pick a page number, within seconds the amazing Bradlovski will respond with “what page, what telephone directory, I’ve never even been to the Empire”
June 15th 'The Boris Johnson Lecture'
An opportunity for The Custard Company and cabinet members to lecture and advise Boris and to help him improve his skills in the field of professional buffoonery.
June 16th 'The Pump House COC tales for two'
An evening of tall stories and short drinks from the master himself Dickey Mint OBE 7.30 till midnight or until he falls over.
June 21st ImpUnity Theatre 'A Performance Related Play' based on the television quiz “Who wants to be a Millionaire”
A bunch of despotic carpetbaggers take control of the town and fail to answer questions in order to win huge cash prizes.
July 1st 'Viva Espania!'
Flamenco and Ice Cream is the order of the day as Harbottle Associates bring the Magic of Spain to Liverpool from the back of a car boot.
July 12th Orange Day Parade
The people show their gratitude to Jasper Harbottle for agreeing to take an additional £230,000 of their money and for his grand legacy of £20Million of debt. They carry him shoulder high to the Pier Head to a rousing reception at the foot of the Three Graces and then toss him into the Mersey.(Chorley Not?)
July 18th 'Storeylamebanana'
As the little yellow nana pops up all over the city, it’s your chance to cover the this much loved slippery, yellow little fleecer in whatever you think most appropriate.
July 21st Croxteth Country Park The return of “One Man and His Dog”
Sir Diddy and his Rotweiler, Doc, savage the sheep at the Children’s Farm and force the public to buy lamb chops at treble the normal cost.
July 28th The Mole of Edge Hill Exhibition.
“Williamson’s Flannels” a collection of face cloths used by Arthur Williamson, known throughout 18th century Liverpool for the unsightly mole on his cheek. As the mole grew larger and tougher this fascinating exhibition shows the wear and tear on his flannels creating a pattern of increasingly large holes that Williamson eventually had mounted onto canvas to frame painted miniatures of local parish councillors. “A load of old flannel” is free to the public.
July 30th 'Ringo Starves'.
The much-loved Beatle and son of Liverpool returns to his former home in the Dingle and will be bricked up alive. The show is expected to last several days. On his demise, a plaque will be erected outside saying “Ringo Starr, Liverpool born and Brown Bread, from the people of Liverpool. We were this close to letting you out.”
August 1st 'The Summer Pops'
Under the direction of Clear McCogloose, she has arranged for 3 crates of Dandelion and Burdock, 200 cans of Irn Bru, 40 bottles of Tizer and a can of lilt to be handed out for free at Aintree Racecourse.
August 2nd 'The Skint Exhibition'
Tate Liverpool an extraordinary lack of gold and riches is the hallmark of this exhibition where the art is in the hanging out to dry and framing rather than the actual picture.
August 2nd 'Oh shit, we forgot Matthew Street'!
Details to be announced.
Currently no further events are guaranteed to take place apart from Bonfire Night and Christmas. It should be noted however that the Custard Company has organised the Christmas Celebrations for the City.
Dec 25th A Giant Chocolate Egg will form the centre-piece for the Bonnet Parade as we join together to celebrate the birth of the infant Easter Bunny. A Carrot Service will be held at St Georges Hall at midnight.
Tatty bye Everybody