Viva Las Freebies and a World Class programme of non-events (2008)

By Jove Missus, I am still here!

For those of you wondering how this blog is connected with the programme for Capital of Custard 2008, I intend to utilise today’s entry by updating you all with some of the less publicised events that are happening or being cancelled throughout the year.

But first ladies and gentlemen, once again I have to put the record straight about some scurrilous accusations levelled against my former diddy helper Wee Wally Bradlow.

I refer of course to the recent Viva Las Freebies headline.

Yes it is true, that to celebrate our joint Birthdays, Wally and Mrs Bradlow accompanied Lady Diddy and me to a Bingo weekend at the Las Vegas Housey-Housey Hall in Blackpool.

It was whilst there that Wally saw the advert for “Fireman Sam Live on Stage.”

Now as Cbeebies was due to be one of the first major events at the new Echo Margarine Aroma, it seemed right that Wally should see the show to give technical advice, - should Elvis Criddlington try to put out any electrical fires with a water extinguisher.

(They are not really trained fire-fighters, Wally was keen to point out)

And if the show was to come to Liverpool, he wanted to make sure there were no last minute health and safety concerns that would normally have been ignored by Jasper Harbottle in his capacity of making sure the iron was set right to put the logos on souvenir T-shirts.

With this in mind Wally contacted the Custard Company and asked them to pay for the tickets as he had spent his last three quid on a fortuneteller.

(That was a complete waste of money. She said, “I see no future but a message is coming through, do you know any one called Stan? I have a message for him about his father. Somehow it is linked to your fate. The message is… Stan, Dad’s bored…”)

Anyway I digress, missus, I can tell you right now that Wally did not in fact go to the show as Lady Diddy insisted that we should instead go and see The Krankies as Frank Ifield and Bernie Clifton were in it.

Wally sobbed all the way through it until Bernie Clifton came on and then he had his wonderful idea to engage Bernie to ride his Ostrich (modified to look like a Liver Bird) around Liverpool all summer, showing visiting dignitaries the major attractions of the city.

Director of Financial Mismanagement, Mr Hasitall has already confirmed that, on the charges of :

1) Misusing tax payers money

2) Abusing his position

3) Bullying Custard Company staff.

That he is innocent on all five counts. Er…four counts…er…six.

****************************************************

So missus, back to the programme for 2008 with the sub-title “Liverpool. You Aint Seen Nothing…”

Here are some of the less publicised events from the Redmond Think Tank of the Custard Company and those that got through anyway.

March 1st 'St Diddy’s Day Celebrations'
A special day in honour of the former Chuckle Executive who secured Capital of Custard for the city. The unveiling of a statue made from Church Street pavement bubble gum to be placed at the entrance to the Fourth Grace Will Alsop’s Cloud, no the Eden Project style Aquarium, no the terminus of the Tram System…..to be placed on Storeyteller’s grave.
March 6th Royally Court Theatre “Misleading Cases”
A stage production of the vintage TV comedy starring Alistair Simm and Roy Dotrice. “Call Mr Chris Herpes. So tell me again Mr Herpes, you say you were not posting the offensive items through the letterboxes but were in fact removing them, and that is your defence? Yes I recall a similar defence in the case of the Stanley Park flasher. He was not exposing his gentlemen part to the ladies bowling club but indeed putting it away”

April 1st “Rings of Confidence”
CCTV across the city will capture the bewildered faces of ordinary Liverpool people as thousands of volunteers ring their doorbells and run away. The pictures will be published in a special collection to available from December

31st April 'April Showers'
Misadventure Place opens it’s doors to the public to display the famous Tart Deco shower room. Official Grand Opening by Debbie Harry.

May 10th. 'Unveiling of the Redmond bench'
The chosen design by artist Damian Hurst Called “Brookside end of part one” will feature Our Lord sliced in half and preserved forever as a shrine at which the people of Liverpool may rest and worship at the white buttocks of the Saviour. “Cheek to cheek”

May 14th 'The Tall Chips Race'
2,008 obese youngsters will race against the clock up the stairs of the Radio City Tower to win free chips for a year! Mmmmm!

June 1st 'Brew Ha Ha!'
A cuppa tea with the lovable funny man and broadcaster Pete Price. If you or any members of your family have been affected by listening to the Pete Price Show a helpline is available through Liverpool Direct 0151 233 2008

June 5th Empire Theatre “Waldo Bradlovski” The Memory Man.
A truly amazing show. This man displays astounding feats of memory lapse. Audiences are invited to choose any telephone directory from anywhere in the world and pick a page number, within seconds the amazing Bradlovski will respond with “what page, what telephone directory, I’ve never even been to the Empire”

June 15th 'The Boris Johnson Lecture'
An opportunity for The Custard Company and cabinet members to lecture and advise Boris and to help him improve his skills in the field of professional buffoonery.

June 16th 'The Pump House COC tales for two'
An evening of tall stories and short drinks from the master himself Dickey Mint OBE 7.30 till midnight or until he falls over.

June 21st ImpUnity Theatre 'A Performance Related Play' based on the television quiz “Who wants to be a Millionaire”
A bunch of despotic carpetbaggers take control of the town and fail to answer questions in order to win huge cash prizes.

July 1st 'Viva Espania!'
Flamenco and Ice Cream is the order of the day as Harbottle Associates bring the Magic of Spain to Liverpool from the back of a car boot.

July 12th Orange Day Parade
The people show their gratitude to Jasper Harbottle for agreeing to take an additional £230,000 of their money and for his grand legacy of £20Million of debt. They carry him shoulder high to the Pier Head to a rousing reception at the foot of the Three Graces and then toss him into the Mersey.(Chorley Not?)

July 18th 'Storeylamebanana'
As the little yellow nana pops up all over the city, it’s your chance to cover the this much loved slippery, yellow little fleecer in whatever you think most appropriate.

July 21st Croxteth Country Park The return of “One Man and His Dog”
Sir Diddy and his Rotweiler, Doc, savage the sheep at the Children’s Farm and force the public to buy lamb chops at treble the normal cost.

July 28th The Mole of Edge Hill Exhibition.
“Williamson’s Flannels” a collection of face cloths used by Arthur Williamson, known throughout 18th century Liverpool for the unsightly mole on his cheek. As the mole grew larger and tougher this fascinating exhibition shows the wear and tear on his flannels creating a pattern of increasingly large holes that Williamson eventually had mounted onto canvas to frame painted miniatures of local parish councillors. “A load of old flannel” is free to the public.

July 30th 'Ringo Starves'.
The much-loved Beatle and son of Liverpool returns to his former home in the Dingle and will be bricked up alive. The show is expected to last several days. On his demise, a plaque will be erected outside saying “Ringo Starr, Liverpool born and Brown Bread, from the people of Liverpool. We were this close to letting you out.”

August 1st 'The Summer Pops'
Under the direction of Clear McCogloose, she has arranged for 3 crates of Dandelion and Burdock, 200 cans of Irn Bru, 40 bottles of Tizer and a can of lilt to be handed out for free at Aintree Racecourse.

August 2nd 'The Skint Exhibition'
Tate Liverpool an extraordinary lack of gold and riches is the hallmark of this exhibition where the art is in the hanging out to dry and framing rather than the actual picture.

August 2nd 'Oh shit, we forgot Matthew Street'!
Details to be announced.

Currently no further events are guaranteed to take place apart from Bonfire Night and Christmas. It should be noted however that the Custard Company has organised the Christmas Celebrations for the City.

Dec 25th A Giant Chocolate Egg will form the centre-piece for the Bonnet Parade as we join together to celebrate the birth of the infant Easter Bunny. A Carrot Service will be held at St Georges Hall at midnight.

Tatty bye Everybody

Tatty bye!

DIDDY THE KID GIVES RED-EYED JOE SOME ADVICE ABOUT KLONDIKE PHIL, DOC MCILHOLIDAY AND UNDERTAKER STILTON

(In a departure from my usual whimsy and tattyfilariousness, due to recent events, we appear to have reached a critical point following the inevitable national humiliation brought upon us by the assembled collective of the silly consul, whereby total national discomknockeration has now undone all of my previous hard work in rebuilding the reputation of this great cashcow.....er city! As a result, I fear no jocular comment from me, in addition to those surrounding the plight of “Sheriff” Wally Bradlow and Muck Storey OBE (Oh Bollocks, End-game) could stretch the chuckle muscle any further without serious risk of clack injury. I therefore offer some sober analysis and advice in the popular and current idiom)

By Jehosophat Ma’am, it’s me, Diddy The Kid!

I been readin’ the Dirty Washingtown Post, and that there Stinky Ink Bartlett, says there’s over 60 million dollars a missin’ from the community chest, and by all accounts (or those they’ll let anyone see) the Sheriff was last seen a headin’ for the Mexican border.

Looks like Doc McIllholiday needs to git some law ‘n order back into Grotty Cash Gulch.

Seems things was goin’ just fine ‘n dandy till them critters from the Audy Murphy Commission came in, and like the critters they are, they started a crittercisin’.

Says you aint nothing but a one horse town! That’s what I call fightin’ talk! Who cares about havin’ only one horse, when you got a Cabinet full a mules!

Now I know that the town Undertaker, the richest stiff fixer in the West, Hilton J Stilton, says “Hows a come if we got three horses for shootin’ and three horses for all the new saloons, we end up with just one fer the town? Huh, huh, huh? It jus’ don’t seem fair!” Well listen up and I’ll tell ya boy! Cos Bowleg Bradley and that crazy School Teacher aint even got the guts to ask a jackrabbit where it hid all the carrots.

Your Bank Manager, Klondike Phil, thinks you gotta keep the bank empty so it don’t get robbed and then when the Sheriff tries to look in the vault, Klondike jus’ kicks dirt in his face an says “There, ya see what ya done we aint got nothing cos a you!!”

Then the Sheriff runs over to the school house a blubberin’ and a wimperin’, and the best he and the School Teacher can do is start a scheming and conniving like two old spinsters hankerin’ for attention. Yep, spinsters aint got no balls either!

And now you all got yerselves into a whole heap a shinola for actin’ like a riverboat load of Merseysippi gamblers. Just fillin’ your saddlebags fast and as often as you can!

Now, Mr Undertaker, you listenin’, Stilton? If you aint one of the Jackrabbits, you sure been sittin with ‘em long enough to know huntin’ season shoulda started a long time ago!

So let me warn ya pardner, you better trim any sign of a fluffy tale an pull your hat down over those ears, cos right now you’re looking like Rabbit Stew from where I’m sittin’ (In a lovely penthouse apartment in Manchester actually missus, you bought it for me too! Ha ha, By Jove! Right, back into character….)

You boys been on a big fat winnin’ streak so long you got gold fever!! Didn’t you learn anything from me? You gotta know when it’s time to fill your boots and move on! You got your stash safe, you don’t milk a cow til it’s dry or it gits sore. And when that happens, you need an udder plan (Boom boom! By Jove!)

You boys jus didn’t know when t’ quit did ya? You been spending money like there’s no tomorrow, mainly on yourselves, gamblin' on not getting found out!

One more spin of the wheel, one more spin, hit me, hit me!

Yup! well it looks like this could be high noon.

So this is my advice and it's hard fer me to give it cos this is some of my old posse I’m talkin’ about!

First you got a get rid of the Twelve Fingered Bank Manager, Klondike Phil. Why that varmint can’t even count!

His idea of looking after your money is to hand it all out to any old Pink medicine man that asks for it and pay off all the no good the hustlers who ride into town, (like…....me, Yeeeeeehaaaaaaaaa! By Jove yes!)

He allowed a private railroad to be built runnin’ from the Town Hall to Vulture Place carrying all your money to Doc McIllholiday and his gang, even though everybody knows that the Doc’s gang are a bunch of graspin shower singin’ tricksters hoodwinkin’ every nickel outa ya!

And then when you ask Klondike where it’s all gone, he starts a preachin’ and actin like he aint never seen a dime of it, and has the gall to remind you that he can step in and take over the town to put it right! (That’s my boy!)

Well, let me tell you straight, there’s a mighty high chance that the Sheriff is gonna get ambushed by his own deputies. And if I were you Sheriff, I would stay away from the Saloon Bar run by that flirty dancin’ girl Chin-chiller Flo, cos believe me the Klu Cas Klan aint to be messed with.

And if we’re talkin’ about bein’ hungry for power, then Fat Belly Dick, the Marbrow Man has got one mighty appetite. You heard the sayin’ "so hungry I could eat a horse?" Well if Fat Belly Dick rides in you’ll be a no horse town!

And don’t forget Calamity Kemp, the man who put the Cowboy into Boote! He’s the guy that let the Boote Ranch Estate turn into a Ghost Town, you gotta make sure that the hauntin’ don’t never stop! Pretty sure the folks he left behind have reserved a special plot for him, if he ever gets the brass neck to show up again.

Now what about the guy who already has the Stetson and ranch coat, Clein? Hmmm I kinda like the name, German for Diddy, ya know? But the guy is another maverick like Calamity Kemp, liable to shoot before he knows what he’s aimin’ at.

An you can forget Tumbleweed or Antrobush whatever his name is, I never liked him, why that no good rattlesnake once said that I tried to blackmail and threaten the school teacher! Me? As gentle a heart and a soul as you could hope ta meet. No….. “A SOUL” I said!

Well, whatever those losers do to try and avoid a lynching, come springtime for Stilton, there may be, just maybe, another gang ready to ride in and take over.

Red Eye Joe and his gang are on the outskirts of town.

Now if Red Eye aint gonna be turned into Cotton Eye, by the Evil Corral, then he is gonna need to come in shootin from the hip and run the crooks and deadwood outa town. Cos if he don’t, he is gonna be another patsy like the sheriff.

If you wanna take this town and keep it, you gotta see off my old boys once and for all and that aint gonna be easy! Cos remember, I trained them and they still come to daddy diddy for advice!

Are you a match for Doc? Cos if you aint and you don’t sort out his gang, you may as well get measured for your casket right now. (See if the Undertaker has his tape out behind your back)

First they is gonna wine and dine ya, offer to polish your shoes, tell ya how pleased they are to have a new sheriff, let you into a few little secrets til you is hooked and so reliant on them you’ll need them to tell ya what day it is and which end to wipe! Yup! That’s my boys!

So Joe, we’ll know soon I guess, if you are up to a showdown or if we will be able to make you lie down and just tickle your belly like an old hound dog.

It’ll be up to you and your gang, you probably won’t be able to do it alone, and may need to call in the federal marshals and the Pinkerton Agency to open up everything, and I mean everything if you want to win back the trust of the towns folk.

For a while, that’s gonna hurt, real bad and there may be a lotta shootin and blood runnin’ down the steps of city hall. But as a great man said recently, (Mr George W. Thrush): “ Fool me once shame on you, fool me ya fool, ya fooled me again and then…...don’t laugh at me cos I’m a....….Mr Grimsdale!!!!)

In other words if you leave a mongoose to look after the hen house, don’t be surprised if you find no eggs for breakfast, your ass gets plucked and you end up covered in chicken shit!

Tatty Bye Pardners, tatty bye!

By Jove, I must remember to take me spurs off in the bath!

P-DIDDY AND HIS BAND 'GRAB THAT', WITH PHIL SPECTREDIRECTOR AND THE FORMER MEMBERS OF CULTURE CLUB - NO 1 FOR FINANCIAL MISMANAGEMENT...!!!!

By Jove Missus, great news!

As many of you will know, I have been trying to cash in on the popularity of Old Boy Bands and promote them on my Radio Station, Bighead FM.

Then I got a marvellous idea while fondly looking at some old emails sent by Rory Storey, and how they helped me get on in the world.

I would put my own Boy Band together.

I thought let’s do it P-Diddy!

But it will need some skilled financial mis-management.

So, with that in mind, I looked to the man that has not only been at the forefront of helping to promote “My Boy” Bands but who has also presided over the Number 1 Financial Mismanagement in the country, Phil Spectredirector.

I thought, Hasitall!

He was one of my closest Diddymen at Cabal Records - and if anyone can help me pull together a rich pool of talentless pop idles it’s him!

A wonderful man, modest to the point of incredulity, never takes any of the credit for getting to the Number 1 spot.

Well, I didn’t have to wait long and within just a few months - for only £230k - we have managed to get Jason Orange (aka Jasper Harbottle) to join the ranks of my very own Boy Band, GRAB THAT!

And even better, thanks to the Spectre and Phil/Colin's collaboration, the money has all been donated by my loyal former subjects - the good people of Liverpool from their very own pockets, or at least it will be when they get their Serf Tax demand.

I can’t thank the kind hearted people of Liverpool enough for their financial support, without which we wouldn’t have our top line up, the talentless trio, joining me to bring music and laughter to the nationwide and other accounts.

So a big thank you for all the money you have given to get the boys together - Jason 230k, Chris 50k, Kevin 50K - and my thanks as well for all the help from Warren 50cents.

You may have noticed that all the band are former members of Culture Club.

But that means we are ready to re-release some of those great hits like “cowwa, cowwa, cowwa, cowwa council comedians, they come and go, they come and go, they come and go, oh”

And the biggest news is that now we have Harbottle, we are hoping to go on our European tour soon, starting in Spain, the Costa Bradlow and culminating in joining Macca himself at Anfield, who rumour has it, will be joined by Blondie, to watch Sir Pole McSlidey.

I think there is a Star Trek convention on at the same time - somebody told me that dozens of tickets have got Enterprise already written all over them. (INTERESTING, EDS)

Now I know what you are thinking, GRAB THAT! was never the same without Robyn Millions - the Aussie Osborne of Tasmanian puppet ballet cabaret.

But dear fans let me remind you, her initially promising hit “Let Me Entertain You” was only in the charts for a couple of weeks before she disappeared from the pop scene without a trace of £375,000.

But Robyn, if you’re reading this, “We want it back, we want it back for good”

Now of course the big thing these days is the elusive X Factor and if Einstein a Go Go was right and x = CEX squared (or cornered) then it is pretty certain that by May - or a lot sooner - we could be joined by the X leader of Style-less Council!

No names, no fire drill.

But remember with the X Factor, it’s the public who can decide in the end.

But a word of warning missus, don’t fall for those phone-in scams, vote in person, don’t dial any of those dodgy 233 numbers, those call centres are ripping you off for millions!

Ha, ha I should know!

All the results get Doctored!

So if you want to see us performing, we are hoping to get a gig at the Royal Court.

Sorry, I know many of you would prefer the Crown Court, but that’s Showbiz!

And we are prepared, as ever, to take what we can get.

And by Jove, we’ve got a lot!

And to think - really it’s all yours!

Ha ha, that’s why Liverpool will always hold a special place in my wallet.

The generosity of scousers is legendary.

In fact, it’s unbelievable!

People laugh when I tell them, but its true ladies and gentlemen!

God bless the good people of Liverpool for their generosity and humour.

Thanks to them we are already laughing all the way to the bank before we’ve even released our first single!

Maybe we can get a gig at the next Mathew Street Festival too?

Yes, don’t see why not, just one step farther is all we need!

Anyway, say nothing for now, Sirenz is golden!

Don’t forget when you do come to see us, bring the kids, there’s ice cream in the interval, all the way from Spain.

By Jove yes!

Capital of Culture 2008 will be remembered as the event that launched GRAB THAT!

Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye

Not ‘Arf Pop Pickers.