By Jove Missus, I am still here!For those of you wondering how this blog is connected with the programme for Capital of Custard 2008, I intend to utilise today’s entry by updating you all with some of the less publicised events that are happening or being cancelled throughout the year.
But first ladies and gentlemen, once again I have to put the record straight about some scurrilous accusations levelled against my former diddy helper Wee Wally Bradlow.
I refer of course to the recent Viva Las Freebies headline.
Yes it is true, that to celebrate our joint Birthdays, Wally and Mrs Bradlow accompanied Lady Diddy and me to a Bingo weekend at the Las Vegas Housey-Housey Hall in Blackpool.
It was whilst there that Wally saw the advert for “Fireman Sam Live on Stage.”
Now as Cbeebies was due to be one of the first major events at the new Ech
o Margarine Aroma, it seemed right that Wally should see the show to give technical advice, - should Elvis Criddlington try to put out any electrical fires with a water extinguisher.
o Margarine Aroma, it seemed right that Wally should see the show to give technical advice, - should Elvis Criddlington try to put out any electrical fires with a water extinguisher.(They are not really trained fire-fighters, Wally was keen to point out)
And if the show was to come to Liverpool, he wanted to make sure there were no last minute health and safety concerns that would normally have been ignored by Jasper Harbottle in his capacity of making sure the iron was set right to put the logos on souvenir T-shirts.
With this in mind Wally contacted the Custard Company and asked them to pay for the tickets as he had spent his last three quid on a fortuneteller.
(That was a complete waste of money. She said, “I see no future but a message is coming through, do you know any one called Stan? I have a message for him about his father. Somehow it is linked to your fate. The message is… Stan, Dad’s bored…”)
Anyway I digress, missus, I can tell you right now that Wally did not in fact go to the show as Lady Diddy insisted that we should instead go and see The Krankies as Frank Ifield and Bernie Clifton were in it.
Wally sobbed all the way through it until Bernie Clifton came on and then he had his wonderful idea to engage Bernie to ride his Ostrich (modified to look like a Liver Bird) around Liverpool all summer, showing visiting dignitaries the major attractions of the city.
Director of Financial Mismanagement, Mr Hasitall has already confirmed that, on the charges of :
1) Misusing tax payers money
2) Abusing his position
3) Bullying Custard Company staff.
That he is innocent on all five counts. Er…four counts…er…six.
****************************************************
So missus, back to the programme for 2008 with the sub-title “Liverpool. You Aint Seen Nothing…”Here are some of the less publicised events from the Redmond Think Tank of the Custard Company and those that got through anyway.
March 1st 'St Diddy’s Day Celebrations'
A special day in honour of the former Chuckle Executive who secured Capital of Custard for the city. The unveiling of a statue made from Church Street pavement bubble gum to be placed at the entrance to the Fourth Grace Will Alsop’s Cloud, no the Eden Project style Aquarium, no the terminus of the Tram System…..to be placed on Storeyteller’s grave.
March 6th Royally Court Theatre “Misleading Cases”
A stage production of the vintage TV comedy starring Alistair Simm and Roy Dotrice. “Call Mr Chris Herpes. So tell me again Mr Herpes, you say you were not posting the offensive items through the letterboxes but were in fact removing them, and that is your defence? Yes I recall a similar defence in the case of the Stanley Park flasher. He was not exposing his gentlemen part to the ladies bowling club but indeed putting it away”
April 1st “Rings of Confidence”
CCTV across the city will capture the bewildered faces of ordinary Liverpool people as thousands of volunteers ring their doorbells and run away. The pictures will be published in a special collection to available from December
31st April 'April Showers'
Misadventure Place opens it’s doors to the public to display the famous Tart Deco shower room. Official Grand Opening by Debbie Harry.
May 10th. 'Unveiling of the Redmond bench'
The chosen design by artist Damian Hurst Called “Brookside end of part one” will feature Our Lord sliced in half and preserved forever as a shrine at which the people of Liverpool may rest and worship at the white buttocks of the Saviour. “Cheek to cheek”
May 14th 'The Tall Chips Race'
2,008 obese youngsters will race against the clock up the stairs of the Radio City Tower to win free chips for a year! Mmmmm!
June 1st 'Brew Ha Ha!'
A cuppa tea with the lovable funny man and broadcaster Pete Price. If you or any members of your family have been affected by listening to the Pete Price Show a helpline is available through Liverpool Direct 0151 233 2008
June 5th Empire Theatre “Waldo Bradlovski” The Memory Man.
A truly amazing show. This man displays astounding feats of memory lapse. Audiences are invited to choose any telephone directory from anywhere in the world and pick a page number, within seconds the amazing Bradlovski will respond with “what page, what telephone directory, I’ve never even been to the Empire”
June 15th 'The Boris Johnson Lecture'
An opportunity for The Custard Company and cabinet members to lecture and advise Boris and to help him improve his skills in the field of professional buffoonery.
June 16th 'The Pump House COC tales for two'
An evening of tall stories and short drinks from the master himself Dickey Mint OBE 7.30 till midnight or until he falls over.
June 21st ImpUnity Theatre 'A Performance Related Play' based on the television quiz “Who wants to be a Millionaire”A bunch of despotic carpetbaggers take control of the town and fail to answer questions in order to win huge cash prizes.
July 1st 'Viva Espania!'
Flamenco and Ice Cream is the order of the day as Harbottle Associates bring the Magic of Spain to Liverpool from the back of a car boot.
July 12th Orange Day Parade
The people show their gratitude to Jasper Harbottle for agreeing to take an additional £230,000 of their money and for his grand legacy of £20Million of debt. They carry him shoulder high to the Pier Head to a rousing reception at the foot of the Three Graces and then toss him into the Mersey.(Chorley Not?)
July 18th 'Storeylamebanana'
As the little yellow nana pops up all over the city, it’s your chance to cover the this much loved slippery, yellow little fleecer in whatever you think most appropriate.
July 21st Croxteth Country Park The return of “One Man and His Dog”
Sir Diddy and his Rotweiler, Doc, savage the sheep at the Children’s Farm and force the public to buy lamb chops at treble the normal cost.
July 28th The Mole of Edge Hill Exhibition.
“Williamson’s Flannels” a collection of face cloths used by Arthur Williamson, known throughout 18th century Liverpool for the unsightly mole on his cheek. As the mole grew larger and tougher this fascinating exhibition shows the wear and tear on his flannels creating a pattern of increasingly large holes that Williamson eventually had mounted onto canvas to frame painted miniatures of local parish councillors. “A load of old flannel” is free to the public.
July 30th 'Ringo Starves'.
The much-loved Beatle and son of Liverpool returns to his former home in the Dingle and will be bricked up alive. The show is expected to last several days. On his demise, a plaque will be erected outside saying “Ringo Starr, Liverpool born and Brown Bread, from the people of Liverpool. We were this close to letting you out.”
August 1st 'The Summer Pops'
Under the direction of Clear McCogloose, she has arranged for 3 crates of Dandelion and Burdock, 200 cans of Irn Bru, 40 bottles of Tizer and a can of lilt to be handed out for free at Aintree Racecourse.
August 2nd 'The Skint Exhibition'
Tate Liverpool an extraordinary lack of gold and riches is the hallmark of this exhibition where the art is in the hanging out to dry and framing rather than the actual picture.
August 2nd 'Oh shit, we forgot Matthew Street'!
Details to be announced.
Currently no further events are guaranteed to take place apart from Bonfire Night and Christmas. It should be noted however that the Custard Company has organised the Christmas Celebrations for the City.
Dec 25th A Giant Chocolate Egg will form the centre-piece for the Bonnet Parade as we join together to celebrate the birth of the infant Easter Bunny. A Carrot Service will be held at St Georges Hall at midnight.
Tatty bye Everybody
Tatty bye!
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16 comments:
oh Chucklebutty your such a tease if only any of that cool stuff was going to happen here in Capital of Custard year.
this is the best thing to come out of Capital of Culture anyway!
Please note that date given above for the event listed as "April Showers" on April 31st is obviously incorrect.
The Custard Company apologises for any inconvenience.
The correct date is of course April 32nd
I think...How does it go?
30 days hath September, june, july and..no wonder. When all the rest...have come and gone, something,something 31... excepting february the 29th which
is clear unless you've had...a Pernoni beer.
Yes, anyway it's going to be BRILLIANT!!!
I am looking forward to the bench competition most.
i don't understand a word of this
Wally Bradlow I am sorry you don't understand a word perhaps Dickie Mint can explain at bedtime when you have cocoa and stories.
Goodnight sweet dreams
I love custard
Can I put my name down for the can of Lilt?
I don't really like Dandelion and Burdock.
Other than the fizzy pops I will be attending the Ringo Starves event and have bought a tent to get a good spot and a birds eye view of the Event of the Year!
My voodoo doll must have done the trick!
Tori, you will have to be quicker than that, the can of lilt has gone to Hill Dickinson and the rest have gone to Enterprise NWDA and Radio City. There is a bottle of Moorehouse Cherryade circa 1967 left but really that should go to the people of Liverpool. Don't be so greedy! Self, self self!
Any one want to swap me a can of lilt for some golden wonder cheese and onion?
Also added to the coc events is a feast for the city, free Lamb and for afters? Banana. mmmmmmmyum
Aye now aye, We are getting the Cherryade, sod the people of Liverpool! What have they done to deserve our fizzy pop?
Sarah there's a moose loose in the hoose has promised it to us!
I heard a rumour that there will be no feast - or if there is, it won't be thanks to the custard co
What are we going to put on the Banana if there is no custard?!
Oh no this kind of corruption cannot go on!
I demand my LambBabanaCustard!
By Jove missus ! Once again the leaders of Grotty Cash have called upon me, Sir Diddy to help them out of their mess. Cometh the hour, cometh the chequebook!
How could I possibly stand by with Nero Bradlicus fiddling while Rome burns. And him a fire fighter too! My first bit of advice to Wally, is from his own handbook.
“Get out and stay out!”
Yes by Jove, since that awful woman, Audrey Commission wrote her damning report into the finances and behaviour of the silly console, all they have been able to come up with is a list of alleged achievements to try and counter the bad publicity.
Trouble is nobody believes them any more! So they thought how can we turn this around? The solution is simple; recruit a really convincing liar, one prepared, as they say in Liverpool, to “swear on me Ma’s gravy” The Lying Bistos!
So ladies and gentlemen with the help of me Cuban heels, I am ready to rise to the occasion. Steady missus, Lady Diddy reads this, so no smutty innuendos. I know you’d all like to see me stripped of my knighthood, but you’d never get passed me money-belt. The only person who gets to see me in me birthday suit is my accountant who doubles as a proctologist. Well you need to carry some loose change!
But by Jove, what a mammoth task Wally has left me! Ha ha! A Wally Mammoth! I thought they’d all become extinct, well they soon will be.
Just to show the scale of the task ahead, Mac the Marmaliser has sent me an email exchange on the first draft copy of their achievement list printed below. You can see what I am up against.
__________________________________________________________________
Stilton,Hilton 2
Cex. E for my shirt
Room 101
Municipality of Mirth
hilton.stilton@grottycash.guff.fcuk
Wally,
As requested here is first draft for list of Glib-Dum achievements.
Achievements
1.
2.
Shall we continue with numbers all the way down the page and will we need some words next to them? Please advise urgently.
Kind Regards
Stilton
Bradlow,Wally
Leaders Office
Room 999
On the ledge of 5th floor don’t try to talk me down
Municipality of Mirth
bradlow.wally@nee-nah-nee-nah-nee-nah.con
With respect Milton, that’s not what I am saying or what we are about. You only have to look at our track suit bottoms to see that what we have done has been about getting things done and that’s not just numbers but things that count to the people of Liverpool and I know if I was to ask them what they want, numbers on a page or a list of numbers, they would say numbers and you can count me into that too Roger.
And don’t forget that we saved the Lambanana! Put that at the top please Jason!
Kind Fireguards
Wally
So ladies and gentlemen, here is just a sample of the list of great achievements I have compiled to show people that under my leadership we did achieve great things and under my effluence can do again.
Great Achievements, Great City, Great Salary.
The Doings of Sir Diddy, The “Knight of a New Day” ( my new slogan dreamt up for me by a marvel less new company, Harbottle Disassociates)
The Top Twenty list of Achievements
1 Liverpool now has the lowest council tax in Liverpool.
2 Frozen meals for pensioners, most have no teeth in Liverpool so ideal for sucking and energy efficient. Less roughage content also means lower carbon emissions. The old folk love it, Rissole on a stick, Rabbit Sushi, Sardine Vindaloo, and a big spotted dick….who delivers it. Well we had to find another role for Storeyteller after his first trip to the standards board.
3 Closed down out-dated day care centres thus helping to reduce traffic congestion by getting rid of those slow yellow mini buses. I mean these days people don’t want that kind of service in a modern city, all those depressing faces looking out the bus window, puts you off your 12” subway cheesy ciabatta sarnie. So we have assisted in keeping them trapped in their homes with a regular midnight visit from a fully qualified Asbo community service volunteer.
4 Appointed Bet Lynch herself (Julie Goodyear) as Ambassador for Liverpool
5 Achieved World Hattiejaques status for the waterfront and the 3 grocers
6 Sent Alsop packing with a cloud over his head.
7 Reduced street homelessness in Liverpool by obstructing the tramp line to Kirkby as it didn’t include Jack Lemon Airport, even though we asked them to squeeze it in.
8 Established a major international tourist attraction for tramline enthusiast with the largest collection of new rusting tram tracks in Europe.
9 Created one of the largest and most expensive call centres in the world with the longest recorded message to allow people to consider if they really…really need to speak to anyone. Well worth £170 million.
10 Won CAPITAL OF CUSTARD for the city creating one of the most hilarious chapters in our 800 years of history (see separate entries under Laughing stock, Harbottle, Fordli Capri, Meryl Streep Festival, Bingo Starr, Riu Van Winkle, Phil Redsnapper, Stunned Fish and Bankruptcy)
11 Raised millions of pounds of support (in kind) towards financing the COC
which adds up to 3,000 promised lies in the Echo and ignoring all dodgy dealings until 2012.Two Million cheese pies and 950,000 sausage rolls from Sayers, 20,000 Busby beanie toys, 400 autographed photos of Maureen Lipman and Bob Hoskins’ overcoat and scarf from British Telecom. And a dilithium crystal from Enterprise. Well-done Jasper Harbottle on that. By the way did you manage to sell the cow…oh magic beans as well?
12 Got shut of Jasper Harbottle at a bargain price considering how much more the idiot would have got us into hock.
13 Upheld the pledge for a greener Liverpool and protecting our parks by doing everything we can to lay some nice new turf in Stanley Park to allow for a kick about
14 Spent nearly 3 million pounds in council tax fighting that troublemaker in Edge Lane who wanted a few extra grand for her house to be demolished.
15 Held steadfast against the Nazi war machine and the Luftwaffe during the May Blitz (check date before forwarding, I know I went to some conference about this)
16 Beat them again in 1966 (as above)
17 Three new wheelie bins in Croxteth and an Alleygate on the shower in Misadventure place. (to keep out brunettes, I mean burglars)
18 Won Eurovision song contest with winner of Song for Liverpool competition…how does it go again..?
19 Built a shed to prevent birds doing doo dah on Executive Defectives porche.
20 Followed through on our pledge to raise the standard of living for the city by making the Chief Executive and Executive Directors the highest paid in the country, whilst overseeing the worst council in the country. It’s what is called a balanced approach. The Ying and the Yang and a touch of the tiddle i po. They can’t touch you for it!
Well ladies and gentlemen, the list could go on into the thousands and you are free to submit your own thoughts on the greatest achievements of the last 10 years.
With My Spin Dryers working away to win back hearts and minds, my next task will be to set about once again restructuring the entire council services.
A slimmed down administration with a new focus on the things that matter to the people. By the time they see my plans they will all say, “Yes, we should have gone to specsavers.” By Jove I need to fluff up me tickling stick, the adrenalin is rising, a new beginning, a new Liverpool and me on a Consultants fee! If I can drag this out long enough I’ll be worth more than the Consultant of Brunei!
I could even reassemble some of the old crew, Granny Shepard, Tiny-tory Byrne, sadly Genghis…can’t make it, nor Attila the Girls but Doc the Marmaliser will be waiting there for me with open cheques and a tear in his beady eye.
By Jove missus I’m all a quiver, my full restructure plan for officers and members is formulating before my eyes, don’t worry Liverpool I am returning. Forget Our Lord Redmond, I am the true Messiah. The Second Conning!
There will of course have to be some new Senior Executive posts created to make the organisation “fit for payoffs” and along with that will be the necessity for some cuts at other levels. But once complete, let me reassure the remaining staff on the front line. His Job is safe.
For now…
Tatty bye everybody Tatty Bye!
Do you know I have just read this again for the 13th time and the penny has only just dropped - Stan, Dad's Bored. Linked to Wally Bradlow's fate. Standards Board! Brilliant, chucklebutty.
Slowonuptake,
Ahhhh! Thank you my dear fellow (or lady) Wally and I had been wondering what that meant, we thought somebody else had come through from the spirit world. Now it makes sense. I wonder if she was right about the May Election result? That will be a shock if she was. I a glad I didn't include that bit now.
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