Prof Chucklebutty on Phil Rednose, MeCogloose, ....Justin Rattlesnake, the Nowhere Man and....It's Been a Hard Days Knight for Sir Diddy!

By Jude Missus,
I mean By Jove, you’ve guessed it, Sir Diddy to the Rescue!
Once again my expertise has been called upon, because I am of course an expert on most things known to man and several things kept quiet from the wife.
Yes, they need me to get the McCartney concert at Anfield back on track before Grotty Cash faces yet another Meryl Streep Festival style PR disaster.
Yet again ladies and gentlemen, the clock is ticking and it all has to be ready to pop and roll by June, by Jove!
What have the Custard company been doing, I asked myself?
How could they possibly be in such a situation with only weeks to go and not a single arrangement made, other than having sold tickets to an event that isn’t organised and with no line up of performers bar one and he isn’t too keen?
What kind of idiots could have let this happen I thought?
So I immediately called a full meeting of the Custard Company, took one look at them and it all became clear.
Mr Donald Wheresmetroosers was unavailable for comment, but I heard that right up until the point that he ran off down Dale Street to try and catch the tram to the airport and go on Holiday, he was negotiating with Googie the Liverpool Duck, trying to line her up as the main support act. (Donald? Duck? No wonder my googie withers).
So first, ladies and gentlemen this is what I faced on trying to get to the bottom of this, the latest in a long line of debacles.
As the meeting began, Mr Phil Rednose, the leading clown in charge of all things custard and with a finger in every pie, looking as usual like a warped negative of Kate Bush being electrocuted, took the lead on behalf of the Custard Company.
He just started to tell me that organising the concert was a bit like “a scouse wedding” at which point a hail of staplers, desk tidy’s and box files hurtled towards him with considerable force, knocking him off of his prototype Bench for Liverpool and burying him on the floor.
As he scrambled back onto his “more than sitting on” bench (I noticed he had a toilet roll tied to it) he went on, that "for those not used to organising events", (that seemed to cover everyone in the room) "this is just a typical moment on the 'long and winding road to……'”
He didn’t get to finish the sentence as a 17” computer monitor hit him squarely on the temple and he fell in a heap silent for the rest of the meeting.
"Howzat!" Somebody cried.
Give me some good news I said to them; give me one thing that has been arranged.
A young lady by the name of MeCogloose jumped up very excitedly and said I have booked the Bouncy Castle!
Well that’s a start, I said, something for the kids.
Then somebody pointed out that it should have been Beyonce that was booked.
Oh, 'who else have you booked then young lady', I said hopefully.'Well, that’s been brilliant', she said. 'I have got all the names from the list of top stars.
Bono
Michael Jackson
Sir Bob
Justin
Even Dame Shirley…loads of them and they have all written to confirm!"
"By Jove, take a bow Miss, we are saved, show me the confirmation letters," I said.
Sure enough she handed them to me, all willing to perform on the night.
"Marvellous," I said leafing through them….until I read the first one!
'The Sir Edward De Bono foundation would be delighted to deliver one of their renowned 2 hour talks on lateral thinking…..
As former Chief of Staff, General Sir Michael Jackson would be pleased to …..
Sir Bobby would be delighted to come to Anfield and meet up with old team mates from the triumphant 1966 squad…
since stepping down from Westminster Council Dame Shirley Porter has been enjoying…..
"Tell me", I said, "Have you confirmed Justin?
"If we have him that will give us the international coverage we need for global TV rights. "
"Global?" She said.
"You mean Gorbals, don’t you?
"Scottish Television is only interested if we get Lulu or the Proclaimers. But Lulu is unavailable and Roger Moore and Tony Curtis haven’t worked together for years. "
"Roger Moore…Tony Curtis?" I said, "what are you…they are the Persuaders!"
"Yes," she said, "that would definitely persuade them if they agree to do it. "
"Just tell me," I said, "have you got Justin?"
"Yes" she said "and it’s even on his website, look."
Well ladies and gentlemen, my sense of relief was short-lived as I watched her type into the website of Justin’s Rattlesnake www.rattlesnakebite.org/index.htm
"It’s Timberlake" I said, very quietly, "Justin Timberlake."
"Don’t be silly," she said, "they make boots and stuff."
Gosh I thought I was scatty! It was at this point I utilised the tried and trusted method for hypnotising a chicken, drawing finger circles on the table in front of her and then pulling away in a straight line.
Always worked with Storeyteller when I was Chuckle Executive.
She went under straight away and sat calmly with a fixed contented expression for the rest of the meeting with just the occasional little squeak.
"Right! Lets’s start from scratch.
"Anfield is booked isn’t it?
"Now, have you made sure there is not a match on?"
Two people ran out of the room and the rest sat puzzled and red faced.
"Good heavens!" I said in disbelief, "so McCartney is just singing, 'there’s a shadow hanging over me' and it’s the referee sending him off for obstruction!
"You have had two years to plan this," I said.
"What have you been doing? Why is there no money?
"You had over 100 million and this is the headline event!!
"I left ages ago - so I haven’t got it!" (the b**tards)
“Well” said Rednose, coming to life or as near as he can manage, “it’s been a hard days….”
"Shut it!" I said!
"Just shut it!"
Then they showed me the plan for filling Goodison Park with water and fish from the Salthouse dock. Apparently Everton couldn’t get anything in the net and it had to be abandoned at a cost of £330,000.
"All right," I said "that still leaves 100 million."
Then they showed me some bin bags full of rags and said "we have been putting these on the lampposts..."
"Keep going," I said.
"Then there was err….the opening event and Ringo that was £35,000 just for him!
“No, no” said Rednose, “I managed to get that down to £95,000….oh er up I mean….which is best up or down?
"Isn’t it more high profile, the more I spend of your money?"
"Then there was all the pay-offs including yours," they said. The cheek of them!
"But we have attracted some big sponsors like Ethel Austen."
"I wouldn’t count on Ethel, right now," I said.
"I think your Midas hand has already touched her."
Then they found the scapegoat they were looking for.
"It’s McCartney’s fault!" they said.
"He tricked Jasper Harbottle by pretending it would bring in loads of money, he’s done nothing to organise this. He just wants to turn up and sing bloody songs!
"We’ve had to negotiate all the deals."
"What deals," I said?
"Well Wally Bradlow has said that it will raise £300,000 for charity."
"No," I said.
"That’s Maccas appearance fee, that he wants to go to LIPA suction the charity for talented fat kids.
"That’s not a deal, that is at his request!
"It is still your money that you haven’t got, so you are making the donation!"
"So he is doing it for free. So why has he demanded that we give him £2 million and let his own production company organise it and take all the credit?" They cried as one.

"Well I am no expert," I said modestly, "but there are a few weeks to go and no support acts, no staging, no sound systems, no rigging, no health and safety confirmation for extra seating, there might be a match on, no television deal, no DVD or CD rights you haven’t even sorted the licence for the Mr Whippy pitch and you have a £20 million deficit, and on this alone you are already £2 million down the pan with a £62 million overall budget deficit at least and you are less than halfway through the Capital of Custard year! You tell me?"

After a few minutes silence, Rednose put up his hand.
"If you are about to incorporate a Beatles lyric into your next sentence I will kill you," I said.
“Yesterday…” he said, as I leapt across the table grabbing for his throat.
“No no…yesterday we decided to review the whole format. He is the star, it’s him people want to see - not Timberland and Whitney Spears, so we have decided to go for something local and more cutting edge."
"Yes, the Parks and Gardens Banjo quartet," said MeCogloose, snapping out of her trance.
"They are the best ‘Edge Cutters I could find. They did Ringo’s head the other week."
Well ladies and gentlemen, as you know it is not like Sir Diddy to admit defeat but I afraid I have to.
It was at that point I left the Fun Palace.
I cannot allow my good name to be dragged out of the mud and back in again by being associated with this farce.
I never want to see the 08 Logo again or the “Brand on the Run” as McCartney calls it.
In the hope I could salvage something I had already called upon my good friend from CityTalkbutnobodyslistening FM, Mr Pete Murray (he’ll knock your block off) to use his celebrity contacts to get me a top line-up to join Sir Paul on the big day, the main event of 2008.
Yes, I had all the stars on standby ready to run out there onto the pitch, thanks to good old Pricey.
Ray Quinn, (of course) Sonia, Bernie Flint, Eatin’ Out (or something) Bernard Hogan and the NDO, Professor Ian Tracey and his Thunderbird 2 Organ, Rick Asthma, OCD, or is it OHMS (something in the dark anyway).
I had Jerry Seinfeld and the Pacemakers, Valerie Pertbottom and the Royal Phillysredmond Orchestra, The Posh Scally G. Rhiuvarb Rhiuvarb and his rude rappy songs, Dr MacIllHook, and thanks to some of my old cabalists for all the rock n roll Dads out there, I even had ABE and Sirenz!
Now I have to tell them it’s all off and McCartney will be appearing with the Wurzells by the sound of it!
So yes Liverpool I have let you down.
The rescue I had carefully planned is not to be ladies and gentlemen.
I am sure Mr McCartney and his people will be able to organise it and make the day a success for those who see it.
One day we may even find out how much it cost along with everything else.
I bet we don’t find out before May 1st.
But you see missus, the problem has been that from day one, the Custard Company only ever had one idea about 2008 and they almost drove the already batty Robbing Archer mad with it. It was to reform the Beatles for 2008 and build everything else around it to attract world attention.
Yes I know we are short by two of them and believe it or not, even the Mandarins, (was Jason one of them? well he was the right colour!) yes, even the Mandarins of the Custard company knew there were only two left.
Nevertheless, they insisted that Archer get Paul and Ringo on stage together whatever the cost with the relatives of George and John, all playing together.
Now it was two years before they realised that Kathleen Harrison was in fact Mrs Thursday and star of the Huggets and no relation. That Sean the Sheep was an animated character, (hence no reply) and of course Julian Clary is a close comedian friend of Norman Lamont and had a hand in his becoming Chancellor.
I think it was Julian Lemon they meant, Cynthia’s Lad.
But on the bright side, the mix-up over Julian also ended some of the silly speculation about who was the fifth Beatle, when it was finally confirmed that it was definitely not, Fanny the Wonder Dog.
Well whatever happens Ladies and Gentlemen, the Concert, the “Liverpool Sound” will still, no doubt, be of music and popular culture and not the sound of national laughter, which would have been the CD, released by the Custard Company if McCartney’s people hadn’t had to step in.
The concert should go ahead in June by which time my dear little friend Wally Bradlow will, if there is any justice in the world, be a Nowhere man sitting in a Nowhere land….Damn!
Bloody Redmond has got me at it now!
Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye
Hope he does The Frog Chorus!
Kneedeep kneedeep..in debt!