By Jove, Mrs Chucklebutty is furious.I had promised her that today I would be announcing my retirement and we would move to our villa in Spain, next door to the Harbottles, but looks like hacienda that…for now!
I have to apologise that in my Election Special I issued the Mayday call, that we were abandoned at sea and surrounded by Sharks and Jellyfish.
My warning was not sufficient. I was unaware that the treacherous waters of the Mersey also contained a hidden menace.
Yes at the last minute just when the many vulnerable and forgotten people thought the lifeboat had reached them and had begun to cheer their imminent salvation from the stagnant slurry that has contaminated our blessed waters for almost 10 years, a great blubber whale broke the surface of foaming slime and swallowed the hopes of thousands in one sickening and orchestrated gulp.
The Bloated Vendetta Whale, clearly attracted by a pool of plankton and the nearby sinking ship, Listing Bradley, was harpooned and dragged on board by the discredited Captain, only to have its carcass rammed into the rotten bulkhead (as the Captain is known by many of his crew) to keep the wreck afloat for a little longer.
Although whaling is internationally frowned upon (where was Greenpeace?) this sad and pathetic creature was used by the ship of lost souls to keep their hopelessly lost vessel upright.
Whilst the callous crew briefly pat its head and feed its ego, it will soon be left below the water line to slowly rot.
Sadly that is the truth of whaling in today’s waters, where just enough flesh is taken from the dim witted creature to cover an area the size of one seat and the rest of the blubber - and even the meat head - is left to decompose or will eventually be thrown back to the into the water where it may be devoured by those who placed it there.
So how long before the next rescue ship?
Captain Bradlow's crew are already plotting mutiny. Fletcher Clein (have I ever mentioned it’s German for Diddy? Yes, I may have) has already announced that the Captain has to be thrown overboard before the entire crew perishes.
Who knows what new direction Admiral Stilton would have taken had the so-called Flagshit of the Glib Dum Navy sunk without trace.
Maybe a mutiny will go some way towards swabbing the putrid decks or more likely, it may delay ridding us of what has become a poison where the antidote is still being developed and in need of further tests.
But Shipmates, we will all drown if we do not continue to battle against the waves.
All that the Captain has really achieved in harpooning the whale is, as they say in nautical terms, “15 tons on a dead mans chest, yo ho ho and a battered glib dum.”
Now before any anonymous soul comments about insensitivity - such as that made about Mr Gleeson and tells me: “when you compared Lardia Stewpid to a bloated whale, where you aware of the fact that she had actually lost the ability to get her fat arse to a constituency meeting, select committee or ward surgery? If so it was insensitive, insulting and below the standards……” etc, etc, etc.
Well, yes missus, I was fully aware that there was a Kentucky Fried Chicken shop and a Sayers and a Chippy between Stupid's home and the nearest meeting room.
And of course I openly admit that both Mrs Chucklebutty and I are no strangers to pastry and on this occasion I have gone for the easy target of Orca Steward being a little on the portly side.But then I am following the example of her new found, short-term friends, who also like to go for the easy targets, such as those people who are being thrown out of their day care centres to finance incompetence and pay-off idiots and failures!
“Steady on Chucklebutty, you are starting to sound like the Tony’s!”
I know, I know - but nothing wrong with that! And fran
kly this has got my gander up, and I am worried she will eat it.This is not the end and not even the blogginning of the end.
But it is the end of the blogginning.
We must fight them on the benches! (As soon as they announce the winning entry.)
Blog, Sweat and eventual Cheers!
Iron the curtains….sorry that’s a note from Mrs Chucklebutty.
Finally, for those of you who are still unaware of the finale results for the Glib Dums, I print them below.
Lib Dem Results Liverpool
The total pounds cast away are as follows
JOHNSTON, Kevin
FAILED CHIEF OPERATIONS OFFICER, LIVERPOOL CULTURE COMPANY - £50,000 Forgotten Party (No change)
HENSHAW, Sir Diddy
FAILED CHIEF EXECUTIVE, LIVERPOOL CITY COUNCIL AND LIVERPOOL CULTURE COMPANY - £360,000 By Jove Party (Personal Gain)
ARCHER, Robyn
FAILED CREATIVE DIRECTOR, LIVERPOOL CULTURE COMPANY - £375,000 Skippy the Cash Kangaroo (Held)
GREEN,Chris
FAILED CHIEF OPERATIONS OFFICER, LIVERPOOL CULTURE COMPANY - £50,000 No Street Party (Ran)
HARBOTTLE, Jason
FAILED CHIEF EXECUTIVE, LIVERPOOL CULTURE COMPANY - £250,000 Huge leaving party (Not invited)
DICKINSON, Lorna
FAILED CONSULTANT £45,000 A Stunned Fish called Squander party (wet)
As returning officer for the above constituency of Grotty Cash…(where’s my additional £24k?) I declare that from the total cash trashed, the loser is, the people of Liverpool!
Tatty Abide With Me Everybody, Tatty Bye
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7 comments:
Blimey!
So Mr Christian, cast me adrift in an open vote would you. I'll see you hanging from the highest yardarm in Salthouse Dock. Have Looney Dickensen cost this up for me. This is Mutiny! Just look at where we were 10 years ago - where were we? SPLASH!!!
PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T GO, THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO DO!
Actually this could work out quite well. The Glib Dums will tear themselves apart and since I have been forced to postpone my retirement, Mrs Chucklebutty may clear off to the Spanish Villa without me for a few months. Ha haa, Rogan Josh and bhajis in bed again with the portable TV and a case of burgundy. God Bless you Lardia and all who sail on you!
By the way Tori, excellent summary in your latest entry.
What a wretched creature to knowingly support the closure of the care homes for pure self interest.
Nadia won't need the care homes herself as if any scouser gets her she won't make old age.
Unsure if the door to Leyton Dene would be big enough for her to fit through anyway.
The service users may not have good short term memories but the staff who look after them will never forget this wretch of a woman.
Dare she go out without her so called body guard?
By Jove missus, what a night!
The Wally Bradlow Showdown.
The showbiz event of the year!
Yes ladies and gentlemen, The DAFTAS. The Glibbering Dum Academy members have been voting this evening to determine the most worthy performers and outstanding contributions from the dream factory that is WALLYWOOD.
(Surely this is a dream?) Yes it was make your mind up time to decide who will be the leading light on Bradway.
It began with the curtain rising to reveal the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble Choir (again) all dressed in sequinned shell-suits belting out in close disharmony that rousing classic “Hooray for Wallywood” as they began to remove items of silver from the display cabinets, before legging it down Castle Street. (The full lyrics of the opening number and police descriptions are printed below.)
Now I won’t spoil it yet by telling you the main winner tonight but as usual it is steeped in controversy. But if I mention the leader of the Rat-pack….?
First Ladies and Gentlemen, there were many other important categories up for awards.
Best supporting hand up the “leaders” backside went to Dicky Mint the Storeyteller.
Spanish Director, Jose Holabarro took the coveted Greasy Orange Palm award.
Harassing Forde won the Peroni Award for Fiction & Fantasy for “Readers of the Lost Remarks” and the “Meryl Streep Festival Enquiry” which also won worst scriptwriter.
Astonishingly, “One Flew out of the Clucas Nest” was not up for any awards. However, the star, who began her career as a Ken Dodd stunt double, is said to be taking it on the chin. She gave this statement to reporter Alistair McCraven.
“I am glad to be out of it this time round, the McCartneyist witch-hunts are about to start all over again and at least two of our leading stars are soon to appear before them. It really can end your career. Let me say now, I am not and have never been a member of the Custard Company. Once this is all over, they will need an old pro’ to take the lead role in the next no budget bankbuster”
You may be aware that Cinerama is back! And the massive wide screen was just in the nick of time to announce the winner in the best newcomer and Turncoat Prize category, who also was given a Lunchtime Achievement award.
Yes Narnia Stewpid took the ‘Jaws Award’ for her many memorable rolls and epics like;
‘Loves Labours Lost’
‘Mash’
‘Chocolat’
‘Goodbye where’s me Chips’
‘Guess who’s coming to dinner….? Me’.
‘Mutiny for a Bounty’,
‘Passage to Indian’
‘Four Wedding Cakes and Tuna roll’,
‘The Greatest Sorbet Ever Sold’,
‘Back to the Foodstore II’,
‘You only Lunch Twice’,
‘It’s a Wonderful Loaf’,
Biblical Epic ‘The Tinned Corn and Mince’
Lloyd Webber Musical ‘Cheeses, Crust Soup to Start’
And crime Thriller “ The Long Good Fried Egg”
I am sure readers could name many more of here legendary works.
(But the Tony’s will get cross again so don’t! Except maybe for my old favourite, Apackocrisps Now!)
So, ladies and gentlemen, on to the main winner of the night.
Now you may have heard it announced that popular Gaudy double act, Rant and Dick (also known from their earlier career with a few flop chart hits as PC and Drinkin’) won the main vote in the people’s choice award but it turned out that just because ex Custard Creamer, Robyn Millions, wanted to fly in from Australia to present them with an award, the panel of judges had fixed the result.
Of course Rant and Dick who knew nothing of this, have been a major farce in light entertainment with hits such as “He’s a Calamity Get Me Out of Here” and many expected them to take the clown, I mean crown. But on the night, the real people’s choice and continuing leader of the Crap-Pack was in none other than Wally Brando for his performance as Catherine of Arrogant at the Tate.
The re-crowned Rat-Pack leader squeaking live from Las Vague Arse was clearly overwhelmed at the number of his peers that voted against him.
“So what’s it like to still be leader will it be back to base tricks?” the reporters asked.
“Who dear, me dear, lead role in the Titanic? How very dare you! Just because I have a hand up my jacksy making my lips move, doesn’t mean I can’t still talk through it”
Then Storeyteller his co-star chipped in, “ Come to see me have ya? Come up to see your old Mike? What a f*****g liberal..”
So against all predictions, except for those that predicted a win for Wally, there you have it, Victory for the lad himself. Stone me! Fantastic result. We are home and dry!
Unlike one of the contenders I expect.
And now as promised here is the singalong sheet. Tonight’s opening number from the ASBO choir, who will be live at the Anfield concert, where Macca himself will perform the anthem tribute.
Hooray for Wallywood
That screwy, ballyhooey Wallywood!
Where any fireman
Or storeyteller
can lead while Yellar
With just a dumb-looking grin
And any Stewart
Can really screw-it
If she sees a bag with some doughnuts in.
Hooray for Wallywood!
Where it’s horrific
that they’re all no good!
Where anyone at all
like Jasper Harbarrow
or Fatty Marbrow
is equally no damn good
Come on and try your luck
Nobody gives a F**k
Hooray for Wallywood!
Hooray for Wallywood!
That Tony, showed they’re phoney, Wallywood
They gave us Harbarrow
and Robbing Archer
on whose departure,
filled their bags up with cash
08 culture, a circling vulture cock it up and then make a dash
Hooray for Wallywood!
You may be pissed off
in your neighbourhood.
Still, if you wonder why the city’s strapless
Just point to Hapless
He’d make a monkey look good!
We’re near the hour
When we dump this shower
Time’s up for Wallywood!
Tatty bye Everybody, Tatty bye!
By Jove Missus, It’s finally coming together, Hurrah! After many months of bitter wrangling, sordid accusations and blame culture, with one fiasco and collapse after another, as well as some of the most appalling behaviour and abusive language I have ever witnessed, Mrs Chucklebutty’s flat pack bedroom suite is now almost complete. Just the dressing table to go. But never again! I can tell you….What?
What??? I’m doing it now woman!! I am. No I am not on the “f-ing blog” I am just checking the website to see why we still have all these screws. Good! Go to the bingo, I’ll have it finished by the time……she’s gone….I can still hear her swearing in the street-oh Ha ha! She caught her head a whack on the hanging basket again! Serves her right.
Bloody self assembly. That’s one for trades description. I thought it was like one of those pop-up tents but we tipped it all out and nothing happened. Months I waited!
Why anyone wants to do this when you could get a perfectly good bedroom set from somewhere like Quigans. Alright, so these days the founder has come out on Youtube as BNP rather than MFI but you still need somewhere to hang your vests.
Good to know that in Capital of Custard year that the founder of Liverpool’s Iconic Emporium for the young Bohemian, where you could buy your joss sticks and Che Guava posters, is flying the flag. I’m just not sure if it’s the right flag or one made popular in the 1930’s. Interesting though, I wonder though how many of their customers would have survived the concentration camps set up by those from whom Mr Quigans promoted party friends originally found their political inspiration. Yes you could get tattoos done at Quigans as well I believe, but I don’t think they were compulsory or that they murdered the customers afterwards.
I can remember the good old days of Aunt Twacky’s Bazaar and of course 69A but now Quigans makes me think of Zyklon B. Ahh, the BNP they tell us they were never like that and have changed. I think it’s called Hitlercause denial. Maybe their old friend Dr David Irving could write a book about it now he’s out of prison.
What a shame. Something once fondly celebrated is now tarnished and poisoned. A funny old election wasn’t it?
And in the same week, Mrs Chucklebutty reveals to me that the much loved actor and war hero, James Stewart, was secretly a big player in the commie witch-hunts and a lot of other right wing political nastiness. Oh I can’t risk having any more heroes. I am going to dismantle my shrines to Anita Harris and Jimmy Clitheroe before something comes out about them as well.
Speaking of the Clitheroe Kid, and back to normal business, Sheriff Bradlow has appointed a new Deputy, Cluckleberry Flo ! The crazy dancin’ gal that took over the Boot Ranch from Calamity Kemp for a while and turned it into the paradise it is today. Yeeeha! Seems she came at a cost though, the town just wasn’t big enough for two schoolteachers and she saw to it that one lame mule was more or less put out to pasture and destined to be an old grey mayor. Another change on the reservation was the chopping down of the big thick ugly Totem pole on Elder Ridge. Nobody seems to have noticed that it’s gone but a lot of folks are saying it still casts a dark shadow.
But ladies and gentlemen I am pleased to see that Capital of Custard events are really picking up now. Rolly Joe Riley has done an excellent piece promoting the sex god that is Philharmonic Conductor Vasilly Pertbottom. I understand that his next performance will be the soundtrack from the film “The Full Monty” with him stripping naked at the end whilst the choir sing “You can keep your baton” Much better than Faure’s Requiem or Bachs Ass in B Minor, as Joe joked.
Now something I am looking forward to is the Klimt Exhibition. I love all those Spaghetti Westerns and Dirty Harry. I always used to say to Mrs Chucklebutty, “come on punk, make my tea”. Mind you, she’d laugh and then belt me with a Fistfull of Scallops followed by A Few Scallops More, when I said “how about a sandwich then”? Oh hang on, no it’s not Klimt Eastwood at all. What a disappointment. It’s some fellow who paints bread I think, something here about a Vienna. William Morris will be there, the chap who used to do Animal Magic and Hammy Hamster and some Scottish chap in a mackintosh who’s brought some of his furniture. I can’t see this bringing in the crowds! Am I going mad or something? It says here that one of Klimts most famous works will be on display, a reconstruction of Beethoven’s Fridge!! A master piece of 20th century art that combines painting sculpture architecture….well now I know it’s nonsense Beethoven was dead by the early 1800s.
It says here, a prime example of the concept pioneered by Richard Wagner of the total work of art “GESAMTKUNSTWERK” Hmm! Now I am pretty sure that was the motto over the entrance to the old dole office in Leece Street. Well maybe that was an Arts and Crafts building. Actually it was more likely a scouser with a felt tip pen.
Ladies and gentlemen, I almost forgot, there is also of course the comedy festival with clowns and comedians taking centre stage between now and 2010 at least. Unless one or two comedians drop out in which case it may be renamed the Tears of Relief Festival. But let’s give the Lib dems a break for now, hopefully the biggest laugh will come in a couple of months with Comedian Lee Hurst in Postman Prat meets Fireman Scam appearing at The Royal Crown Court and The Chuckle Brothers themselves should anytime soon be together again for one last time in Jason and The Lager Nits. The conspiracy to rid us of the Legendary Orange Fleece.
Don’t forget Jamie Oliver will be here as well for the start of the Tall Chips race.
Seems things are really looking up again. Oh no sorry, that’s the budget deficit for the Custard Company.
Tatty Bye Everybody Tatty Bye
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