THE HELP THE AGED STANDARDS COMMITTEE, THE PIGEON SHELTER AND ALL THIS SILLY COO NONSENSE

By Jove, missus!
What a tattynefarious day, yes, when I was made Squire of Grotty Cash.

Who would have thought it, from those dark days in the Knowsley Jam-butty mines to be elevated to such lofty heights?

And that's not just my cuban heels.
What a beautiful day for putting a shovel in your underpants and saying how's that for a Big Dig?
Yes when the good burghers and some very silly burghers of Lollypool, put me in charge of Chuckle Chambers I didn't want to leave this wonderful city with tears for souveignirs but to leave you feeling full of mirth and your spirits lighter.
Well I was close missus I left full of murk and with your bank balance much lighter.
Of course I am now a Knight of the Realm.

And what a bloody awful night it was too.
Arise Sir Diddy, they said.

Yes please, I said.
So I increased my salary.
But I couldn't have done it without good friends. And closest of all was Doc the Marmaliser.
He helped me leave a great legacy, LDL. Lotsa Dirty Lucra.
Where's all the money gone? people ask.
Well mostly to charity - to help a dear old lady called Beatty.
A shame I fell out with Dickie Mint over silly things like the Trams and the Cloud but when he tried to offer me a bus pass to go, it was only off-peak!
An insult to a man of my standing (4' 10" in my heels) and I was not going to stand at the bus stop until 9.30 missus, not with the cold windy weather whistling round your knighthood.
I didn't want my investments shrinking.
So I threatened to report Dickie to the help the aged standards committee and they were shocked at what they found!
Dickie had been trying to topple me with his cohort, Mattymail Funniblog.
Dickie had to step down from his high office and finally look me in the eye.
A new experience for me!

But it was all worth it, I got my pension and my full bus pass.
So I think the whole issue about standards in public office that can be learned from my time in charge of the chuckle muscle of Merseyside comes down to one thing - Happiness!
We all need to be happy and it's good to see that despite all the bigwigs driving around in their posh cars, they stil think of the less fortunate, like the homeless and have, I believe, just invested some cash in Shelter.
So the Liver Birds still stand proud and so do the pigeons on the roof of the Town Hall.
And as i said to the pigeons on the day I left, lets stop all this silly coo nonsense.
I did what I did to stand up for Diddymen everywhere.
Tatty Bye everybody Tatty Bye!!!!