By Jove! It's me Sir Diddy, here to celebrate with you.Today, to mark this historic occasion, instead of my usual frivolity, I offer you a serious address.
No, not me house in Aigburth - “Stillgrabbin” - I’ve flogged that, although it still hurts that I couldn’t get at that 50 pence piece that fell behind the old boiler.
Well, Lady Diddy is hard to shift after a hard day at the factory knotting sausages.
Here Ladies and Cheltenham, on what should have been a special day for me, had I not been forced to retire on wealth grounds, is my speech to open the Capital of Custard, 2008.
They wouldn’t let me make it on the night, even though it was though my glorious leadership that we won it.
Instead, the crowd got a few ramblings from the Anaemic Mermaid herself, Phyllis Redmond, the man who turned the custard company around, so they couldn’t see that he’d done nothing for five years.
“We did it,” he proclaimed!
Through a mouth that looks like somebody sat on a pasty.
“It’s like a scouse wedding!” So you’re all condemned to years of fighting and misery trying to pay for it.
What an inspiration!
Had I still been at the helm this is what you would have got at the Sir Diddy Arena (as it should have been called)
By Jove Missus, We did it!!!! It’s been like a scouse wedding here…..('hang on cut that bit' - Lady Diddy)
Yes, by Jove, Capital of Custard 2008.
Can you all see me at the back? What do you mean you can’t see me at the front? Can somebody get me a bigger box?
Welcome to Liverpool, the year in which Liverpool itself is the show!
After five years of the Custard Company using every opportunity to make a show of us, it has arrived at last. Here we are in a giant shed in the docks.
Yes I know many of you have wanted to see me in the dock for a long time.
Did you all go on Friday?
What a spectacle it was on the steps of St David’s Hall. It left the crowd wanting more, you could here thousands of voices winding back down Lime Street saying over and over again “Is Da F**kin it?”
Nearly three million quid spent on that box of Bengo matches and the three rockets trading standards confiscated in November. Thirty-five minutes of quality entertainment and Pete Price.
Unfortunately the planned opening choral piece from the Grotty Cash Asbo Ensemble, singing my very own theme song, “Pick a pocket or two” had to be postponed when they were all arrested during rehearsals.
I have enlisted the help of renowned Liverpool lawyer and pothole expert, my old sparing partner, Sir Rex of the Hesperus to get the choir released. As you know, I will do anything for a tenor.
Did all enjoy the aerial artistes? That was a mistake you know.
Young Clara MeCogloose was showing Jasper Hottlebottle a sketched out proposal to have a Toxteth Riots sequence on the steps outside the hall, the custard company’s idea of how to engage communities, and Hottlebottle said could you do it with Adobe Acrobat.
So MeCogloose, who is a bit daft in one ear, promptly rushed off looking for some dozy acrobats. Well ladies and gentlemen the idea of the aerial acrobats clearly captured the imagination of the people of the city.
I was touched by the hundreds of requests by people asking to see me suspended from a rope as the main feature for the grand opening.
Unfortunately I suffer from Vertigo with Sagittarius, the Robbing Archer on the cusp. That’s why I can only go to grade 6 Cuban heels. Yes missus, otherwise I get Diddy Spells!We have a spectacular show for you tonight!
Those of you who know me know that I am a great supporter of our wonderful Liverpool Phil. No not pasty face Redmond! The Philharmonic!
I understand that Arriva have given one of their finest conductors the night off to be here with us.
What’s his name again? Petroleum Jellyco..who? Vascular….Verysilly….Potato? I can’t read this… thought you had spell checked! Is it Raphael Benetton ? What happened to the other fella…Simon Throttle?
Anyway, they’ll be knocking out a few numbers later, including, from the Lib-Dem Book of Patriotic Songs, Land of Hopeless Storey and Rule Blog Ban Ya, along with old favourites, The Plight of the Bumbler Bradley and Amazing Gross Misconduct.
Later for the kids and the Leader, we have some cartoons. The Bugs Bunny Men, Pete Wylie Coyote, Sonia the Hedgehog, MacElhinney the Pooh (that’s a euphemism) The Wombats of Wimbledon, Foghorn Leggarty with his Rooster for Mayor campaign and of course the one and only Pingu Starr from The Arctic Monkees. He’ll be performing in his new singlet again plus the classic hit, “What would you do if I once sang in tune”
Pingu will be signing copies of his new release at the Arena later this evening and all next week in the Pound Shop on Breck Road. I hear Frankies Gone to Holly Oaks so they wont be here.And despite attempts by a local politician to prevent Farm products being brought in to the Arena, following his experiences of foot in mouth, it has been agreed he will hide in the Ladies when they come on stage to perform their renowned anthrax, er anthem, “All the money’s gone”
There’s more, Ladies and gentlemen, by Jove an authentic voice of Liverpool youth, it says here, then he must have accidentally slipped by the Custard Company to be on stage here tonight, unless he’s the son of one of them, RudeVanWinkle will be performing his rap tribute to Liverpool 08…. here’s a short taster. Riuven is it?
“Liverpool, it’s 08
you gonna pay for it mate
cos the guys with the purse
been nothin’ but a curse
now it’s here
and the beer
is sellin’ at a rate
that I cant afford a drink,
what I got to celebrate?
You had five years bro,
to plan and you fail
Wasting money you aint got,
you should be in Walton gaol
What you’ve done to the people,
will be done to you I hope
When you’re in the prison shower,
bendin’ down for da soap”
By Jove, Missus, cover the vicars ears, that brings tears to your eyes!
A very Rude Van Winkle.
Finally to say to you all, whatever this bunch of rogues and halfwits supposed to have been leading this have or have not done over the last five years, the hard working staff and ordinary decent Liverpool people involved at the front line of all this have been doing their best to make it a meaningful year beyond the earnings and egos of the incompetent bunch of self serving, self important, careerist money grabbing opportunists trying to claim the credit….well imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so thank you.
Many, if not most, of the events and highlights would have happened anyway but at least this year you might pop along to them and even enjoy them.
If you can get something out of it wonderful, personally, I can’t. all the big money has gone so I’m off back to my new adopted home away from Grotty Cash and back to Mirth of Tydfil in Wales.
Liverpool I left you and I always let you down.
So c’mon Liverpool, get down with D.Diddy and let’s party….sorry special free invitation only to Malmaisson.
No Scousers.
Yakkie Da Everybody Yakkie Da!
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