SIR DIDDY'S NEW HEALTH VIDEO, TALES OF THE RIVER BANKS, AUDIT MURPHY, MONEYPENNY AND THE PROBLEM OF LOSING A FEW POUNDS...

By Jove!

My new video has even knocked Pamela Sanderson and Colin...I mean Paris Hilton, off the top of the charts for the highest number of web hits in the Hot and erotic category.

I am sure i heard one of the critics the other day saying that I may be one of the biggest hits of all time. (I think that's what he said)

Yes missus, it really is me on the silver screen, not a Hammy Hamster stunt double.

No it's not Johnny Morris doing Tales of the River Bank any way I preferred Tales of the Nat West, HSBC Lloyds, Barclays or any other bank.

Yes me missus.

Me Sir Diddy.

One-Take Diddy they call me now. And then take a bit more. And then take a lot more!

Ha ha!

Anytime now the diddyphone may ring with the call from Hollywood! A star is born!

A dwarf star. All the biggest stars were diddy you know missus! Yes, by jove!
None of the big Hollywood names were over four foot ten.

Audit Murphy.

Cash n Cary Grant.

Edward G. Robbin-sod.

Walter Pension.

All diddy and standing on a box to kiss the leading lady....unless it was Lassie.

Even today's stars are all diddy...the wee scientology collective, like Tim Cruise...I could take over his role for the next instalment of "Mission Insufferable IV"

Yes, your mission Sir Diddy, should you choose to accept it is to steal the plans for an Atomic Tickling Stick!

By Jove, I could be the next.....how dare you madam! No not Fatty Arbuckle... I was thinking of James Bond.

Yes 007!

I'll do anything if it has lots of 000s involved...

I already refer to the wife as Moneypenny, during those private romantic moments when I am whispering bank statements into her ear.

"So Blofeld, you expect me to do a good job?"

"No, Mr Diddybond, I expect you to make a complete balls-up and run off with a bucket of cash"

(Goldsphincter) Who would have thought that the NHS would be my launch pad to stardom.

So all those Big Brother auditions were a waste of time and when I finally did get on, the camera crew voted me out before the public got to see me!

But this is all for the future missus, have you watched my video on health yet?

The proper one I mean not the fakes put out by these blog types.

That naked fat lady being sick in a bucket is not me!

It wasn't easy you know, by jove!

Three days in make-up before the camera lens stopped cracking.

They even brought in a personal trainer but i refused to go on set unless they brought the other one...and the laces.

The Director said I had to lose a few pounds and I almost had a heart attack, but it was weight he meant...

By Jove, I had a cold sweat.

I'm not overweight I said....its the money sewn into the lining of my stomach. We are not bringing back Cinerama just for you fatty, he said. What? I said.

How dare you, I'll have you know I do a regular work-out.

Every morning I work out the overnight interest on my bank account. Believe me that gets my heart rate going. Then they sent in a make-over lady...She looked me up and down and then smacked me in the face with a big shovel. That's the best i can do she said.

I must have been concussed as all i could hear for a few minutes was loud applause and cheering.

But really ladies and gentlemen download diddy right now.

The message i give to the north west is clear.

If you want to end up...... a fat bloated wheezing buffoon who can't read a sentence off a cue-card...oh sorry i was looking at the wrong piece of paper then....no idea what that is....got mixed up with the fan mail...(thanks Doc x)

No you have got to keep fit and have a healthy diet. All you working class wheezers with your fags and carry-outs, for goodness sake i plead with you, turn your back on the chippy and MacDonalds, go to a proper Michellin star restaurant and get a good bottle wine with a proper Appellation Controlle.. .Thunderbirds are No! (that was my own joke)

Oh by Jove, the phone is ringing....Hollywood...hello yes....this is Sir Diddy.... yes i have seen Bugs life....yes i know Antz....yes I agree, computer animation has had it's day... live action...similar theme you say......the lead role?.. yes i'm available...say the title again?....Parasites....!!!??

Wrong number!

Tatty bye Everybody....parasites??...Tatty-bye